Tough Excel Challenge - Can you help?

Firstly, as a complete Excel Noob, I don't necessarily know what category this comes under as I haven't the first clue as to how to solve it. That's why I joined your forum - for help - not sarcastic comments.

Secondly, just because you're not capable of solving the problem, it doesn't mean you have have to belittle me.

Thanks for making me feel so welcome, i'll be sure to recommend your site, complete with its friendly user community, to all my friends.

Kind Regards,

Lee