Making one of two sounds depending on the result of a "if" function

Try this

In a module

Option Explicit

Private Declare Function timeGetTime Lib "winmm.dll" () As Long
Public lngStartTime As Long   'time in msec
Public Sub StartTimer()
lngStartTime = timeGetTime()
End Sub

Public Function EndTimer() As Double
EndTimer = timeGetTime() - lngStartTime
End Function

Public Sub delay(msdelay As Long)
' creates delay in ms
 Dim temp As Double
StartTimer
Do Until EndTimer > (msdelay)
Loop
End Sub


Function beepNow(BeepCount As Integer)
Dim N As Integer
For N = 1 To BeepCount
    Beep
    delay (500)
Next N
End Function

and

=IF(I2="ARCHIVE THIS!",beepNow(1),beepNow(2))