# Off Topic > The Water Cooler >  >  The Joke Thread

## ratcat

G'day All,

I'm surprised there is not a joke thread in these part of the woods.

Occasionally you see the odd joke out in the working part of the forum and I think this one is a great joke. Yes I still have a chuckly about that thread now and then.

Well, I'll break the ice with a couple jokes then........

*1st Year Physics Humour*

The following is an actual question given on a physics mid term exam.   The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared  it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now  have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :   

*Bonus Question:* Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic  (absorbs heat)? 
 Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law  (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some  variant. 

One student, however, wrote  the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we  need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate  at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a  soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for  how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions  that exist in the world today.   
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their  religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these  religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we  can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as  they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase  exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell  because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and  pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand  proportionately as souls are added.   

This gives two possibilities: 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls  enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase  until all Hell breaks loose.   

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in  Hell, then the  temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes  over.   
So which is it?  If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during  my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep  with you,' and take into account the fact that I  slept with her last  night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is  exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is  that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any  more souls and is therefore, extinct...... leaving only Heaven, thereby  proving the existence of a Divine Being --- which explains why, last  night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'   

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN 'A+'

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## ratcat

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says,  Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.test line.   

It's a good all around combination,and it's on sale this Week for $44.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, That sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $58.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
'Didn't You tell me it was on sale for $44?   

How did you get to $58.50?'

'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'

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## dominicb

> 'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'



Man, that's really funny.  I've just laughed out loud at that one.

Well done :Smilie:  :Smilie:  :Smilie: 

DominicB

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## Simon Lloyd

The second one i had heard...the first was quite amusing too!, thanks ratcat!

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## oldchippy

Hi,

Here's another for the joke thread

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area. 

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. 

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. 

People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. 

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. 

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray

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## ratcat

I hope this one is clean enough......

*A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.....*

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.

Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

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## Simon Lloyd

This is no slight on or Irish friends, however:
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site, Paddy is busy nailing down the floorboards while Murphy watches in amazement!, Paddy is picking up nails out of the box looking at them and if they are upside down he's throwing them away!

"Paddy" says Murphy, "Why will you be t'rowing all those nails away?", "can you not see?" says Paddy, "I get these here nails out of the bag, some are the right way up and some are upside down, so i'm t'rowing those one's away!", "You donkey Paddy" says Murphy "don't throw them away........save them for the ceiling!!!"

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## Simon Lloyd

This may be a little risky:
Little Sam goes up to his dad and asks if he can have a bike?, his dad replies "No son, the mortgage is 180K and your mum has just lost her job!", the next day little Sam is leaving with his suitcase packed, his dad asks "where are you going?", Sam replies "I was walking past your bedroom last night and i heard you say to mum your pulling out, and mum said wait for her 'cos she's coming too, and i'm not staying here on my own with a 180K mortgage and no f***ing bike!"

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## oldchippy

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple formal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey , what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


(I just love this)

"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

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## oldchippy

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. 

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." 

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. 

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. 

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" 

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" 

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." 

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. 

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. 

The same thing happens for two weeks. 

Then one day the circus comes to town. 

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" 

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." 

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" 

"At the circus," says the barman. 

"The circus?" repeats the duck. 

"That's right," replies the barman. 

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?" 

"Yeah," the barman replies. 

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. 

"Of course," the barman replies. 

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. 

"That's right!" says the barman. 

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . . 


"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"

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## arthurbr

( translated as well as possible from french)

A kangaroo enters a bar and orders a whiskey.
After emptying his glass he asks how much he owes.
The bartender answers " 25 dollars". The kangaroo pays and leaves the place.

Couple of days later, same stuff.

And, some days later, again.

At the kangaroo's fourth visit the bartender engages in small talk and says " We don't see kangaroos often here".
And the kangaroo answers : " No wonder, at the price you charge the whiskey.."

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## oldchippy

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES 

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room. 

2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door. 

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. 

4. Then analyze the situation: 

5. If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department. 

6. If they are recounting them put them in Auditing. 

7. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks put them in Engineering. 

8. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order put them in Planning. 

9. If they are throwing the bricks at each other put them in Operations. 

10. If they are sleeping, put them in Security. 

11. If they have broken the bricks into pieces put them in Information Technology. 

12. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. 

13. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales. 

14. If they have already left for the day put them in Marketing. 

15. If they are staring out of the window put them in Strategic Planning. 

16. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

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## Ron Coderre

A guy pops his head into a busy barbershop and asks the 
barber, "How long until you can cut my hair?"
The barber does a quick count and says, "Two hours."
The guy says, "Thanks!" and runs away.

The next day the same guy asks again, "How long until you can cut my hair?"
The barber looks around and says, "About an hour and a half."
The guy says, "Thanks!" and runs away.

The third day, same guy, same question.
The barber says, "About an hour."
Again, the guy says, "Thanks!" and runs away.

Annoyed, the barber tells one of his regular customers, 
"Quick! Follow that guy and tell me where he goes."  
Ten minutes later the customer comes back, laughing his 
head off. The barber asks, "Well? Where did he go?".  
His buddy says, "YOUR HOUSE!"

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## Simon Lloyd

Lol, this thread is getting very entertaining!  :Smilie:

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## oldchippy

Two  businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One  said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No  sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"

One  of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ***-holes."

Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "You're doing well.  Only two left."

Seniors  - don't mess with them!

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## oldchippy

We are in DEEP trouble... 

The population of this country is approximately 60 million.  

32 million are retired. That leaves 28 million to do the work. 

There are 17 million in school or at Universities. 

Which leaves 11 million to do the work. 

Of this there are 8 million employed by the  UK government. 

Leaving 3 million to do the work. 

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan . 

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work. 

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit. 

Leaving 512,000 to do the work. 

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons. 

That leaves just two people to do the work. 

You and me. 

And there you are, 

Sitting on your backside, 

At your computer, reading jokes. 

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope all on my own?

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## oldchippy

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. 

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

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## Ron Coderre

These two guys at a tropical resort are marvelling at 
how this other man seems to have a different gorgeous 
girl on his arm each night. One of the guys decides to 
go ask the gentleman his secret.

The man tells them, "It's simple, really. Every day, I 
walk the beach in a skimpy Speedo bathing suit. But, 
before I go out, I put a couple potatoes in it! The 
girls are impressed and fall all over me!"

The next day, the two guys decide to implement the plan.
After walking the beach for ten minutes not one girl has 
approached them and all they hear is snickers after they
walk by.  Just then, the successful playboy comes running over.
He pulls the two guys aside and politely tells them,
"Gentlemen, the potatoes go in the front!"

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## oldchippy

That's funny Ron 10/10

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## Macdave_19

FACE - Has their face fallen on one side?
ARMS - Can they raise both and keep them there?
SPEECH - is it slurred?
TIME - to get her pants off, the rohypnol has taken affect.

for those non uk residents: you won't get this, apologies.

it's a spin on an advert about strokes.

sorry for being so crude!!

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## oldchippy

After the last one  :EEK!: , here's a clean one  :Smilie: 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

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## oldchippy

Maurice, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a check-up.

A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Maurice replied, 'Just doing what you said Doc, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful.'

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## dominicb

FA Cup Final day.  Wembley Stadium.  It's Manchester United v Arsenal for what's expected to be the biggest game of the domestic season.  And the stadium is packed to capacity having sold out months ago.

Our man makes his way to his seat 10 minutes before kick off and sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.  At half time the seat is still empty and it truly is the only empty seat in the stadium, so he say's to the guy on the other side of the gap :
"Can you believe someone's bought a ticket for this game and not turned up?"
"Actually" says the guy, "it's my wife's seat.  We get tickets for the FA Cup Final every year.  We bought the tickets months ago, but sadly she can't accompany this year as she's passed away."
"Sorry to hear that" says our man, "but it seems such a shame to have this seat empty when someone else could have enjoyed it.  Surely you have a friend or relative who could have come with you?"
"Nah." said the guy.  "They're all at her funeral."

DominicB

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## oldchippy

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead.

Gordon replied, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'I can't do that, because I've spent it already.

Gordon said, 'OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway.

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Gordon answered, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

To which the farmer exclaimed, 'Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, 'Of course I can, I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead.'

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Gordon said, 'I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a huge, fat profit!!'

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'

To which Gordon replied, 'The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!!

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer and then Prime Minister and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to do something for the everyday people of the country think again my friend, you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey.

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## royUK

I don't want to spoil the fun, but can jokes be kept clean please. We don't always know the age of members who may be reading them.

I have received a complaint about the last one posted & have therefore deleted it.

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## Macdave_19

I apologise for the last joke Evryone, i'll keep them clean from now on.

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## mudraker

Acronyms

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry 
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defunct Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too
ISDN - I Simply Don't Know

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## dominicb

*35 Things You Know But Never Knew You Knew*

*1)* Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
*2)* At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
*3)* One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
*4)* You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
*5)* Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
*6)* Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
*7)* Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
*8)* You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
*10)* Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
*11)* You never know where to look when eating a banana.
*12)* Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
*13)* Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
*14)* Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
*15)* You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
*16)* Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
*17)* The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
*18)* The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
*19)* Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
*20)* Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
*21)* Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
*22)* Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
*23)* Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
*24)* You never ever run out of salt.
*25)* Old ladies can eat more than you think.
*26)* You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
*27)* There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
*28)* No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
*29)* Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
*30)* The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
*31)* People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
*32)* You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
*33)* Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
*34)* Bricks are horrible to carry.
*35)* In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

DominicB

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## oldchippy

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour.
'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'



Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go to the pub.'

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## oldchippy

For all you teachers

TEACHER:	Maria, go to the map and find North America. 
MARIA:		Here it is. 
TEACHER:	Correct. Now class, who discovered America? 
CLASS:		Maria. 
____________________________________ 

TEACHER:	John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the 			floor? 
JOHN:		You told me to do it without using tables. 
__________________________________________ 

TEACHER:	Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
GLENN:		K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER:	No, that's wrong 
GLENN:		Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________ 

TEACHER:	Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD:		H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER:	What are you talking about? 
DONALD:		Yesterday you said it's H to O. 
__________________________________ 

TEACHER:	Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we 		didn't have ten years ago. 
WINNIE:		Me! 
__________________________________________ 

TEACHER:	Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN:		Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 
_______________________________________ 

TEACHER:	Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.' 
MILLIE:		I is.. 
TEACHER:	No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' 
MILLIE:		All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'      
________________________________ 

TEACHER:	George Washington not only chopped down his father's 			cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know 		why his father didn't punish him? 
LOUIS:		Because George still had the axe in his hand.    
______________________________________ 

TEACHER:	Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before 			eating? 
SIMON:		No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 
______________________________ 

TEACHER:	Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same 			as your brother's. Did you copy his? 
CLYDE:		No, sir. It's the same dog. 
___________________________________ 

TEACHER:	Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking 			when people are no longer interested? 
HAROLD:		A teacher

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## Ron Coderre

Timmy was bored during the family's vacation at a rustic mountain cabin.  
One day, he noticed a huge rock at the top of a hill. He found a long tree 
branch, wedged it under the rock and gave it a nudge. It tipped right over! 
Timmy was delighted as the rock gradually picked up speed rolling down the 
hill. Then he watched in horror as it headed straight for the cabin outhouse, 
smashed into it and knocked it over.

Hours later, he timidly opened the cabin door and went in. 
His father was waiting for him.

"Timmy", he said. "Did you roll a rock into the outhouse?"

"Oh, no...That wasn't me."

"Hmmm. Let me tell you a story, Timmy.
When George Washington was a young boy, he took an axe and chopped 
down his father's favorite cherry tree.  When his father asked him if he did it, 
George said: I cannot tell a lie. I DID chop down the cherry tree.
And because he told the truth, George's father didn't punish him.
Now, I'll ask you again. Did you roll a rock into the outhouse?"

Timmy gathered his courage and said, "Yes, I did."

His father immediately grabbed Timmy and started slapping him around.
Timmy pulled away and shouted, "You said George Washington's father didn't punish him!"

"George Washington's father wasn't IN THE CHERRY TREE!"

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## dominicb

It's really, really crap, but hey!  It's seasonal...



A man was blissfully driving along the road, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road carrying a basket of eggs. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the Bunny jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.  

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny. Much to his dismay, the Easter Bunny was dead. 

The driver felt guilty and began to cry. 

A woman driving the same way saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. 

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do? " 

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car boot, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. 

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another fifty yards, turned, waved, hopped another fifty yards and waved again!!!! 

The man was astonished. 

He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" 

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. 

It said: 






"HAIR SPRAY ... Restores life to dead hair  ... Also adds permanent wave."


*Happy Easter everybody* :Wink:  :Wink:  :Wink: 

DominicB

----------


## Ron Coderre

A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and discovers her husband 
is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to check on him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table weeping uncontrollably.

"Honey", she asks. "What's the matter?

He wipes his red eyes and says:
"Remember when your father caught us in the barn?"

"Yes", she says.

"He pointed that shotgun at us an told me I'd better marry you
or I'd go to jail for twenty years!"

"Oh, I remember that very well. But, why are you crying?"

"Because", he sobs, "I would've gotten out of jail today!"

----------


## ratcat

*Pillsbury Funeral*

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

----------


## oldchippy

Little Johnny strikes again....

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her bust is so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

----------


## oldchippy

This is what marriage is really all about . . . . ..

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . 'THE  TEETH.'

----------


## Simon Lloyd

OC that's funny!

----------


## oldchippy

> OC that's funny!



Don't encourage me! But if you must..........

DEAD DUCK

A woman brought a very limp duck into a Vet's surgery.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, "Cuddles" has passed away'

The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure?'

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.

'How can you be so sure,' she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The Vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, mewed softly and strolled out of the room.

The Vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.

The Vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '$150!', she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'

The Vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry. 

If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $150

----------


## dominicb

Harold and Ethel make their regular annual trip to the fair.
This year there is an old open topped, propeller driven bi-plane there offering 10 minute plane rides for fifty pounds.
Harold stops, and looks longingly at the plane and turns to his wife and asks if he can have a plane ride.  "No Harold." she says, "Fifty pounds is fifty pounds" and the subject is closed .

The following year, they attend the fair again, and once more, the bi-plane is there offereing plane rides.  "Go on," Harold begs.  "Just the once".
 "No Harold." she says, "Fifty pounds is fifty pounds" and the subject is closed.

They attend the fair every year for the next few years and every year the answer from Ethel is  "No Harold." she says, "Fifty pounds is fifty pounds".  Poor Harold goes without his plane ride.

One year they go to the fair and, as usual, Harold is looking longingly at the plane, when the pilot spots him and recognises him as the guy who is always told  "No Harold.  Fifty pounds is fifty pounds".  He feels a pang of pity for him and makes his way over and introduces himself.  "Tell you what," the pilot says.  "I'll take you and your good lady wife out for a spin.  I'll pull a few stunts and if the pair of you can remain quiet for the whole trip, you get it free of charge.  Otherwise you pay fifty pounds each.  What do you say?"

Ethel has a quick think, and never being able to resist a bargain, and being fairly sure they can both stay silent, she agrees.

All three of them hop into the plane and the pilot takes off and does some spins, swoops, steep bankings and dives.  Not a word from the pair in the back  So he does some parabolic turns and loop the loops.  Still not a sound.  This time he goes in for a serious string of extremely dangerous manouvres, terrfifying himself in the process, determined to force a scream from one of his passangers.  Still nothing.

So finally he brings his plane round and brings it in to land.  When he finally stops they get out of the plane and says to Harold, "My word - you were amazing.  Not a single murmour.  How on earth did you manage it?"

"Well," says Harold, "I damned near said something when Ethel fell out after the first 30 seconds but fifty pounds is fifty pounds!"

DominicB

----------


## oldchippy

Little Johnny's at it again......

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' 

   *   *     *   *   *    *   *   *   *   *    *   

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'  

  *   *   *   *    *     *   *   *    *   *   *   

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44? 
'Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'   

     *      *    *   *   *   *   *    *   *   *    *   

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'   

    *   *   *   *   *    *     *   *   *    *    * 

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. 
Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

----------


## oldchippy

More credit crisis problems

Another Bank's Gone Bust- Just heard the Origami Bank in Japan has just folded  :Wink:

----------


## Ron Coderre

What do you find between elephants' toes?





Slow running natives!

----------


## dominicb

*Some World Records*

*Car Parking*
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. E. Simpkins (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14 mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.

*Incorrect Driving*
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB), at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

*Film Confusion*
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, him in the glasses?" revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 48 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film?"

*Jumble Sale Massacre*
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.

*Expletives*
On 9th June 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stonemasons mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14 mins 7 secs.  With out stopping once or repeating a swear word.  He later attempted to better this feat on BBC TVs Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word "bast***" after 12 min 58 secs.

*Urinating*
The longest pee delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24 secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986.  Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19 mins 24 sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.

*Hottest Curry Eaten*
Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substantiate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXX Hot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows.

*Biggest Fart*
The largest and most catastrophic f*rt was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986.  Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulent explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his backside. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing apparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up.

DominicB

----------


## oldchippy

> More credit crisis problems
> 
> Another Bank's Gone Bust- Just heard the Origami Bank in Japan has just folded



It's getting worse

We are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!), going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

----------


## oldchippy

Diet Questions Answered from your 'nutrition expert' 

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.  Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a nap.
----------------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?  Hay and corn.  And what are these?  Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 
----------------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 

A: No, not at all.  Wine is made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.  Bottoms up!
------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. 
----------------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is:
No Pain...Good! 
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in it.  How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 
----------------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 

A: Definitely not!  When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.  You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 
----------------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
A: Are you crazy?  HELLO Cocoa beans!  Another vegetable!!!  It's the best feel-good food around! 
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! 

________________________________________



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. 

And remember: 
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Cabernet in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO!  What a Ride'

AND...... 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

CONCLUSION 

Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

----------


## dominicb

*Some World Records - Part 2*
Some World Records - Part 1

*Traffic Light Cosmetics*
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1 hr 51 mins 38 secs. by Miss J. Dobson (GB) at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.

*Group Toilet Visit*
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a night club in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994. Mrs. Beryl Crabtree (GB) got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party.  Moving amass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

*Shop Dithering*
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses, which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

*Talking about Nothing*
Mrs. Mary Caterham and Mrs. Marjorie Steele sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for three and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs. Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

*Gossiping*
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs.Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2,774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists,, which she flagged down and the butcher's wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night Mrs. Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium. 

*Single Breath Sentence*
A Berkshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motor mouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasm.

DominicB

----------


## oldchippy

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that it will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY 
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.' 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world 
who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.' 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite:

My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

----------


## pike

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian.

 The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

 Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
 I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

 A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

 Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

 Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

 Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

 All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

 Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

 While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

 He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.

 With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

 Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

 'Where's Christian?' he asked.

 'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',
came the reply.

 Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

 As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

 He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

 Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

 Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........



'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

----------


## pike

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.

Mum said, "You should say no, they only want to look at your panties".

Susie said, "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag".

----------


## split_atom18

2 boys in a hospital

 Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid t hen asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

And the second kid says, 'Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...................... Couldn't walk for a year.'

----------


## pike

6 degrees of blonde
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,listened a moment
And said 'How should I know,that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*


SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
The sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
Mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
Says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*


THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
So she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
Unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
In the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun,and as she does so,
She is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*


FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*


FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*


SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
Ransacked and burglarised.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,and a K-9 unit, 
Patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
The blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
Cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,'I come home to find
All my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.'                                 
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

----------


## pike

WARNING;

If you receive an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tinned pork - delete it - it's only Spam.

----------


## split_atom18

An Iowa crop farmer walks into a NYC bank and tells the loan 
officer he is going to Norway on business for two weeks and needs 
to borrow $5,000. 

The bank officer tells him that they will need security for the loan, 
so the farmer hands over the keys to his new Ferrari. 
The car is parked in front of the bank. The crop 
farmer produces the title and everything checks out. 

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. 

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's 
underground garage and parks it there.  The bank's president enjoys 
a good laugh over this farmer using a $250,000 Ferrari as 
collateral against a $5,000 loan. 

Two weeks later, the farmer returns, repays the $5,000 and interest, 
which comes to $15.41. 

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, 
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. 
While you were away, we checked you out and found you are a multimillionaire. 
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" 

The farmer replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car 
for two weeks for only $15.41, and expect it to be there when I 
return?" 

Ah, ya gotta love those Iowa farmers.

----------


## Althas

Always make me chuckle

From a book called "Disorder in the Court." things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

----------


## Althas

It COULD BE TRUE

THE THEORY OF DARK SUCKERS

For years it was believed that light was emitted from an electric bulb; recent information has proven otherwise.  It is now shown that dark is actually sucked into the bulb - henceforth, the bulb should be known as a dark sucker

This dark sucker theory proves the existence of dark suckers.  Not only that, it also demonstrates beyond any doubt, that dark is heavier and faster than light

There are many types and sizes of dark manufactured by a large number of companies. Some of the modern dark suckers utilise a solid power capacitor to operate properly. Solid power capacitors can be purchased from companies such as Eveready and Duracell


Some examples of the dark suckers are as follows:

	Electric bulbs: If you examine one of these dark suckers closely when it is in full sucking mode, you will see that there is more dark near the dark sucker.  Move a distance away from it and the suckage strength is diminished

These dark suckers can be purchased in a variety of different strengths and will suck the dark from a greater distance than less powerful ones.  You purchase the required strength depending on your situation.  Like any item, the dark sucker does not have an infinite life and at some stage will reach its capacity and will no longer be able to suck any more dark.  At that point you may notice the dark area on the inside portion of the dark sucker. As with the power capabilities, the larger the dark sucker, the larger the area of dark found within. This type of dark sucker can be made directional by placing a shield around a portion of the unit or behind it. This will prevent dark from entering the dark sucker from that side thereby extending the range of the dark sucker on the unprotected/unshielded side

	Candles: - These are a primitive dark sucker.  They are relatively weak compared to the high powered suckers called Electric Bulbs, which is evident as there is more dark 30 feet from a lit candle then there is at a distance of 3 feet (unlike the industrial powered Electric Bulb dark suckers, which can suck at a distance of hundreds of feet). Proof of its dark sucking capabilities is relatively simple. Examine a new unused candle, notice that the centre core is not dark. Activate the centre core (the part that does the sucking) with a flame such as from a match and allow the centre core to suck for about 5 minutes. Notice the lack of dark around the candle. Extinguish the centre core. Notice that the centre core of the candle is now dark. The centre core is the dark sucker, which is protected by a soft insulator (generally made from wax or tallow) to extend its life expectancy and maintain rigidity. Another method of proof of its capabilities is to ignite the centre core and allow it to suck for a minimum of 2 minutes. Pass a clean pencil over the top of the dark sucker, left to right, and approximately 3 inches above the centre core. Notice that there is no dark on the pencil. Pass the pencil over the centre core now about 1/2 inch. Notice that the pencil now has a dark area. The pencil has blocked the path of the dark being sucked to the core of the dark sucker

With modern technology, there are a large number of portable dark suckers that can be carried in ones pocket or bag.  These tend to suck the dark from a small but focused area, and store the dark in what are known as Dark Sucker Solid Power Units.  These power units can be purchased from many local outlets, as they are needed, changing them within the portable dark sucker.  When started, the dark that is sucked is stored within these power units, and the change is required when they are full and the dark sucker no longer works

Dark is heavier than light

Darks mass, although of a similar density to, is actually greater than that of light.  In an example of a medium such as water, that allows light and dark to exist in the same plane, the dark always settles to the bottom of the water. To prove this theory, simply find a pool or river that has a depth great enough to allow the light and dark to exist in that medium and submerge yourself just below the surface and you will notice an absence of any dark. Lower yourself to 15 feet below the surface and you will notice now that a degree of darkness has settled under the light.  As the mass is similar, you will not find an absolute point at which the light stops and the dark starts, at this point the have blended together.  Now lower yourself to 50 feet (or more) below the surface and here the dark has settled quite densely, and you will notice a total (or almost complete) lack of light, you are in total dark. Ergo, the dark has settled to the bottom; therefore, dark is heavier than light

Modern technology has allowed us to utilise the potential energy that has stored in the dark that has settled to the bottom of large rivers.  This is achieved with the use of turbines that push the dark down river to the ocean, which, due to its immense size, has a larger holding capacity for it. As the dark is passed through the turbine, a percentage of the potential energy is removed from the dark and transmitted to various short-term storage plants (akin to Dark Sucker Solid Power Units discussed above), but on a massive scale.  The public is then allowed to tap into this as required (for a fee of course)

The final point to note is this.  Although dark has a slightly higher mass than light (i.e. heavier when an equal gravitational field is excerpted upon it), it is surprising to note that the dark is actually faster than light

Imagine a common draw, like those found in a desk at work, or in your home.  Now as you can imagine, when closed correctly, the draw seals itself and prevents light entering it and as such, is full of dark.  Now, if you would open a drawer very slowly and look inside as you did this, you will notice that the seal is broken and light is able to enter the draw (you can see this happen.) You do not, however, see the dark leave the drawer

Continue to open the drawer and light will continue to enter the drawer; however, you will not see any dark leave the drawer. Therefore, dark is faster than light. Go into a closet, close the door, and turn off the dark sucker. Have a friend open the door about 1 inch. Your friend will not see any dark leave the closet, nor will you. Have your friend open the door until half the closet is dark and half is light. Since 2 objects cannot occupy the exact same space at the same time, and you do not feel any change in pressure, by compressing the dark, it is logical to assume that dark is faster than light

One last proof

What is a by-product of movement of dark? Heat. What is a by- product of dark suckers? Heat, again. 
Therefore a dark sucker generates heat during its operation

Darks molecules are heated when they react with light molecules, as the dark fights to displace the light and enter the dark sucker. Just allow, say, a high ratio electric bulb sucking unit to operate for a short time, then stop the sucking.  Now CAREFULLY touch the protective coating around the dark sucker (usually this is made of glass), and note the amount of heat.  Next allow a smaller ratio of dark sucker to operate for the same length of time.  Again CAREFULLY touch the protective coating around the dark sucker, and note, although there is still warmth there, it is indeed less than the higher ratio dark sucker

I hope this has sucked some dark (or for those sceptics, shed some light), on the dark sucker theory for you all, but I will be happy to respond to any questions you have.  I will respond at the speed of dark, or if I am busy a little slower than that, and the speed of light

----------


## pike

Two women we playing golf while she watched 



in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of
men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. 


The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical
Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!

----------


## pike

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,  

'You Can Be THE   Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,  

'From now on, you need to know that I am  

the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have
the kind of *** that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax..

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then,
you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, 'The f***ing' funeral director would be my first
guess.'

----------


## pike

I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes etc. 
From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.  This debilitating condition is very serious and it appears this is not an isolated case. 
Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of others diagnosed with Wine Flu.

To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu).  Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. 

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been shown to do the trick.

----------


## pike

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one  little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very  tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to  be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was  near anyone else. 
 
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was  alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she  had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. 
  
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. 
  
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
  
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I  opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. 
 
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! 
 
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and  said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our  little test. We couldn't ask for a better  man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' 
 
And the moral of this story is:   

 


Always keep your condoms in your car.

----------


## mudraker

An old Nun who lived in a convent next to a big Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them during their lunch break and correct their wicked ways.

She decided to pack a lunch for herself and sit with them and convince them to refrain from such language.

She put her sandwich and flask in a brown paper bag and went over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to them and said to them with a big smile,

"Do you know Jesus Christ?"

They all shook their heads and looked at each other. One of them looked up to where the steel-workers were having their lunch and yelled,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ ??"

One of the steel-workers yelled out,

"Why ?"

The worker yelled back'

"His mother's here with his lunch !"

----------


## squiggler47

Funny that this is still floating around after 20+years!

Still hopefully it will show us where we are lacking!

*Real Programmers ...*


Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.

Don't write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can't do system programming.

Don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any program at all.

Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.

Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.

Don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.

Don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy application programmers.

Don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.

Don't use PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between Cobol and Fortran.

Don't use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty.

Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.

Don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code.

Don't use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.

Never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m. it's because they were up all night.

Don't play tennis or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

Disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, pre-maturely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.

Don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.

Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.

Scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."

Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

Don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to make schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.

Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.

Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every read program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programers despise such petty restrictions.

Don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.

----------


## kraljb

Having spent her whole life in the Convent Sister Catherine had decided at the age of 26 to leave the Convent and go into the outside world.

She approached Mother-Superior Beautrice to let her know of her decision. To which Mother Superior proceded to tell her of the horrors of secular world, trying to scare Catherine from leaving. Catherine could not be swayed in her resolve to leave and when asked what she was going to do for a living, she replied "I'm going to be a prostitute."

Upon hearing those words, Mother-Superior fainted. Upon being revived she went and got Father Paul to join in on this conversation with Catherine. Beginning the conversation between the 3 of them by asking Catherine "Now Sister, please tell Father what you told me you were going to do once you leave the convent."

To which Catherine replied "I had thought about for a while and decided that becoming a prostitute was going to be the best option for me"

A look of releif came over Mother Superior's face as she said "Thank Goodness, I thought you said you were going to be a protestant earlier!"

----------


## oldchippy

They were together in the House. 

Just the two of them. 

It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. 

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm. 

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... 

She screamed... 

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. 

He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. 

He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. 

He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him. 

The storm raged on... 

They knew it was wrong... 

Their families would never understand... So consumed were they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors...just the faint click of a camera......

----------


## split_atom18

Two Boys in Hospital 

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid t hen asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

And the second kid says, 'Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...................... Couldn't walk for a year.'

----------


## pike

A blonde decided to rent her first porno video.
She went to the video store and picked out a tape with a title that sounded ****. 
She drove home, lit some candles, took off her clothes and placed the tape in the VCR. 
But nothing appeared on her screen except static. 
She called the video store and complained, 'I just rented a porno from you, and there's nothing on the tape but static.' 
The clerk said, 'Sorry about that, which movie was it?'
The blonde replied, 'Head Cleaner.'

----------


## split_atom18

Italian Tomato Garden:


  An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.



  His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:



  Dear Vincent,

  I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

  Love, Papa



  A few days later he received a letter from his son.


  Dear Pop,

  Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

  Love,

  Vinnie

  At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

  That same day the old man received another letter from his son.



  Dear Pop,

  Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

  Love you,

  Vinnie

----------


## pike

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. Sign at a drug rehab center: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

----------


## pike

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!!  Or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of yas!"


St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago..."

----------


## oldchippy

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his work-shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this ?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks, around $1,000,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work ?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...


'Try doing it with the engine running !'

----------


## NBVC

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not? 

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what? 

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? 

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

----------


## NBVC

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
 blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
 decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

 While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint
 a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband
 leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
 Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
 paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
 floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka
 and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she
 if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that
 she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she
 wanted to do it by painting the house.

 He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
 replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....


 "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

----------


## oldchippy

How did he become rich?

A young man asked an elderly rich man how he made his money.
'Well, son, it was 1932 time of the depth of the Great Depression.
I was down to my last penny, so I invested that penny in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold that apple for ten pennies.
'The next morning I bought two apples, spent the day polishing them and sold them for 20 pennies.
I continued this for a month, by which time I'd accumulated a fortune of £1.37.

'Then my wife's father died and left us £2 million.'

----------


## oldchippy

A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'

----------


## pike

The Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel
outside Kalgoorlie. 

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your
ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!! 


The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one
of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. 


The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . . I'm homesick.

----------


## pike

Bob  works hard at the office but  spends two  nights each week bowling, and plays  golf every Saturday.
His  wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for  his birthday she takes him to a  local strip  club.
The  doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey,  Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled  and asks if he's been to this club  before. 
'Oh  no,' says Bob.  'He's  in my bowling club. 
When they are  seated, a waitress asks Bob  if he'd  like his usual and brings over a beer. 
His wife is becoming  increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did  she know  that you drink that beer?'
'I recognise  her, she's the waitress from the golf  club.
I always have that beer at the end of  the 1st nine holes.'
A stripper then  comes over to their table, throws her arms around  Bob, starts to rub  herself all over him and  says,
'Hi  Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big  boy?'
Bob's wife, now  furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the  club
Bob follows and spots her getting into  a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he  jumps in beside  her.
Bob  tries desperately to explain how the stripper must  have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife  is having none of it.
She is screaming at  him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4  letter word in the book.
The cabby turns  around and says,
'Geez  Bob, you picked up a real ***** this  time.'


BOB's funeral  will be on Friday .

----------


## pike

To aussies out fishing when Davo asks Murph:  "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

  To which Murph replies, "You Thick idiot  -  If they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat"

----------


## pike

On the West Island of New Zealand a little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocerystore. 
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"
 
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."
 
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."
 
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't
even know the way to the Post Office."

----------


## shg

> How did he become rich?
> 
> A young man asked an elderly rich man how he made his money.
> 'Well, son, it was 1932 time of the depth of the Great Depression.
> I was down to my last penny, so I invested that penny in an apple.
> I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold that apple for ten pennies.
> 'The next morning I bought two apples, spent the day polishing them and sold them for 20 pennies.
> I continued this for a month, by which time I'd accumulated a fortune of Â£1.37.
> 
> 'Then my wife's father died and left us Â£2 million.'



He'd have been better off with the original plan, to the tune of Â£50M.

----------


## oldchippy

> He'd have been better off with the original plan, to the tune of Â£50M.



That's probably why I'm not rich  :Frown:

----------


## arthurbr

I was watching TV last night. My wife sat next to me and asked : " What's on the TV tonight?" I answered :"Dust" - That's when the trouble started...

----------


## oldchippy

Airline Announcements 

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people weÂre not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!  

*************************************  

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '  

*************************************  

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'  

*************************************  

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.'  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.    

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'  

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'  

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'  

***************************************  

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:  'Whoa, big fella,   WHOA!'  

*******************************************  

After  a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in  Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight  announced, 'Please take care when opening the  overhead compartments because sure as hell  everything has shifted after a landing like  that.'  

*************************************  

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:  'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'  

*************************************  

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day:  During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'  

***********************************  

'Your  seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the  event of an emergency water landing, please paddle  to shore and take them with our  compliments.'  

***********************************  

ÂAs you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.   Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'  

******************************************  

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendantÂs fault, it was the asphalt.'  

****************************************  

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'  

****************************************  

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.   And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'  

****************************************  

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light Âem, you can smoke 'em.'  

****************************************  

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'  Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry I f I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!'  

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing.   You should see the back of mine!'

----------


## dominicb

The previous thread reminds me of something someone once e-mailed to me :


*Stewardess's public address to passengers 

Check THIS out - wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA from their Flight Attendants.* 


"... Hello and welcome to Delta Flight 438 to San Francisco.If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. 

The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now. 

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. 

Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. 

We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one-first, and then work your way down. 

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- 

HELLO!! There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. 

We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is .. Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind. 

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast.If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button. We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. 

Thank you for choosing Delta, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you? 

After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. 

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."

DominicB

----------


## pike

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an 
operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,  
"How long will it be before I am able to have 
a normal *** life again doctor?" 

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor?  
I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied,
"Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that 
after having their tonsils out."

----------


## oldchippy

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE  

The garage is all yours.  
Wedding plans take care of themselves.  
Chocolate is just another snack.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.  
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 
Same work, more pay.  
Wrinkles add character.  
One mood all the time.   
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.  
You know stuff about tanks.  
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.   
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is Â£4.95 for a three-pack.  
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.  
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.  
Everything on your face stays its original colour.  
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.  
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.  
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..  
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..


NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and   Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in Â£20, even though it's only for Â£32.50.   ..........None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay Â£2 for a Â£1 item he needs.
A woman will pay Â£1 for a Â£2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.  .........She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. ......There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

----------


## oldchippy

Thanks Stormseed for that one

Do any of the Mods come into this category I wonder?  :EEK!:  :Smilie:  :Wink:  :Confused: 





> DIPLOMAT:
> A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

----------


## pike

A TRUE AUSSIE BLOKE

It's the NRL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the 
Wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty" This is incredible", said 
The man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for NRL Grand final and not use it?"
The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed
To come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first NRL Grand 
Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find 
Someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

----------


## dominicb

> A TRUE AUSSIE BLOKE



Hey Pikey

Get your own jokes, instead of recycling mine - just 'cos they're better than yours :Smilie: 

Originally told here, and so much better  :Smilie:  :Smilie:  :Smilie: 

DominicB

----------


## dominicb

This is *supposedly* a list of GCSE answers actually given by candidates sitting their exams, aged 16.  I can't believe that this is true, personally, but then some of this stuff is too funny and off the wall to be made up.  One thing you can deduce from this is that kids are as mad as cheese and some of them inhabit a seriously disturbed world ...  :Smilie:  

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the Java.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Tee hee, Brutus."

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and terectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the titution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.

Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

DominicB

----------


## oldchippy

> Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.



Did he drop the "H" - DonkeyOte

----------


## dominicb

Ha ha!  I must admit I thought of Luke when I read that line.

Over to you Donkey ...  :Smilie: 

DominicB





> Did he drop the "H" - DonkeyOte

----------


## pike

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night,
A drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall. 

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked. 

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.                        

  'A talking Australian clock - seriously?' 

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).' 

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it. 

'Just watch' he said. 

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back. 

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence. 

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

----------


## pike

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and  Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said,  'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And so  they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure  that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the  cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese  dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened  their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which  to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped  lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own  platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming  with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre  into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities  of salt. And Man put on more pounds. 
God then brought forth running  shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would  not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and  cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging  suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and  still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the triple cheeseburger. Then Satan  said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size  'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac  arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the Healthcare.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final  word on nutrition and health.:

1.   Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than  us.
2.   Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3.   Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks  than us.
4.   Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart  attacks than us.
5.   Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer  fewer heart attacks than us.
6.   The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and  suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently  what kills you.

----------


## pike

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good 
health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
 "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have *** I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have *** with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything 
appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss 
with me?" She replied that she had no questions or concerns. 
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having *** with you the first time, and then hot and  sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fool," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January 
and the second time is in August."

----------


## pike

ALL PUNS INTENDED.... 
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. 
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.  

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. 
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.' 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.  

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 
'A beer please, and one for the road.' 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 
'Does this taste funny to you ?' 

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 
'Is it common ?' 
'Well, It's Not Unusual.' 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. 
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. 
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !' 
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? 
A fsh. 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. 
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. 
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, 
And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories 
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
Disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. 
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. 
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, 
Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. 
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, 
He suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. 
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. 
No pun in ten did.

----------


## oldchippy

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. 

The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country: 

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.' 

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.' 

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.' 

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.' 

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you..' 

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?' 

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?' 

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.. ' 

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?' 

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.' 

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.' 

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.' 

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?' 

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.' 

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.' 

AND THE WINNER IS.... 

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here.'

----------


## oldchippy

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when a gorgeous woman rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The man is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

The man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says 'would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed, 'I can't take another
drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What the heck next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned; she beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. I'm sure there's
something you really feel like enjoying right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes 

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.
. 

. 
.
'Hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

----------


## pike

BEAUTIFUL AND TRUE IRISH LOVE STORY 

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. 

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. 

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. 

Was it heaven? 

Or was it one final act of love from his Devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. 
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon...... 

 "NO" she said, "they're for the funeral."

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## oldchippy

LOL pike - nice one  :Smilie:

----------


## pike

If you knew my irish grandmother its even better

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## oldchippy

Different Wavelengths

My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths, when she said she wanted decking on the patio  :EEK!:

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## pike

A rabbit walks into
     a pub and says to the barman, 
     'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and
     Cheese Toastie?' 

     The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham  and cheese
     toastie. 
     The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the
     toastie. He then leaves.

     The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer,
     and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. 
     The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and
     the extra drinkers in the pub, 
     (because word gets round), gives the rabbit
     the pint and the 
     toastie. The rabbit consumes them and
     leaves. 


     The next night, the pub is packed. 
     In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of
     beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' 
     The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the
     rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit
     wolfs them down 


     The next night there is standing room only
     in the pub. 
     Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of
     patrons attending. 
     The barman is making more money in one week
     than he did all last year   
     In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of
     beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman, 
     The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old
     mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..'

     The rabbit looks aghast. 
     The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
     when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very
     nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'   
     The rabbit looks him in the eye and says,
     'Are you sure I will like it.'   
     The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly
     silent. 
     The barman, with a roguish smile says, 
     'Do you think that I would let down one of
     my best friends. I know you'll love it.'   
     'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of
     beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'   
     The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit
     quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. 
     He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

     ..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!! 

     One year later, in the now impoverished
     public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of
     which were his), calls time. 

     When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
     floating above the bar. 

     The barman says, 'Who are you?', 
     to which he is answered, 
     'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to
     frequent your public house.' 

     The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. 
     You would come in every night and have a
     pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. 

     Masses came to see you and this place was famous.' 
     The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

     The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham
     and Cheese Toasties. 
     You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

     The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

     The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?' 

     'I DIED' ,said the rabbit. 

     'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?' 

     After a short pause. The rabbit said... 






     'Mixin-me-toasties.'

----------


## Paul

Mixin-me-toasties??  I must be more dense than usual tonight..

----------


## teylyn

Myxomatosis (sometimes shortened to "myxi" or "myxo") is a disease which affects rabbits. It is caused by the Myxoma virus. 

source http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myxomatosis

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## Paul

Ah, a joke and science all at the same time.  I think that's illegal in some countries.

----------


## pike

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
 Then the priest comes in.

 "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

 The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

----------


## dominicb

*Some World Records - Part 3*
Some World Records - Part 1
Some World Records - Part 2

*Holiday Gymnastics*
The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on 19th August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter.

*Loudest Car Stereo*
The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312 dB whilst waiting at some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off inside the car.  The girls walked off.

*Car Customisation*
Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the Mark II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the worldÂs most expensive car customisation project at 105,761%.  Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of Â£63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle.  His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit (Â£3,500), Nightrider style Disco Stop Lights (Â£199), Split 45 Weber Carburettors x4 (Â£200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, (Â£500) and a Cromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension (Â£285).  The car is currently valued at  Â£65.

*Longest Wheel Spin*
The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mark II Escort.  When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 seconds before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.


*Beer Drinking*
The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986.

*Urinating*
The longest p!ss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24 secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986.  Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19 mins 24 sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.

DominicB

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## oldchippy

Hi dominicb,

I notice a duplication of the Urinating (post 1 & 3)  - or did old George Wingfield get nicked twice on the same day after all that drink!  :Smilie:

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## dominicb

Hi Chippy

No, in the original document, the urinating record followed the drinking record (as you would expect in real life :Wink: ) and as part of the joke I suppose ...

When I split it into three I didn't intend to split the two up and for the joke to run on, I brought them back together.

So, I'm off to stand in the corner for half an hour and reflect on my stupidity, while you go to top of the class for your usual hawk-eye-ishness.

You didn't get the "eagle-eye" moniker for nothing did you ...  :Smilie: 

DominicB

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## pike

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland ) 
Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until  6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until  noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! 

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p**s!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! 

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. 

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sue

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## pike

Good Housekeeping Tip 



Always keep several 
get well cards on the mantle... 
So if unexpected guests arrive, 
They will think you've been too sick 
to clean

----------


## D_Rennie

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen. .

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## oldchippy

TESCO MURDER

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' 

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was Â£5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single Â£1 Coin that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the Â£1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested.   

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..



(You're going to hate me for this .... )






'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for Â£1.00 AT TESCO!'    
Oh, quit groaning! 
I don't write this stuff

----------


## NBVC

KidsAreQuick 
____________________________________ 

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America. 
MARIA:        Here it  is. 
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered America? 
CLASS:        Maria. 

__________________________________________ 

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell  'crocodile?' 
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER:  No,  that's wrong 
GLENN:      Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.   
____________________________________________ 

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER:  What are you talking about? 
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.   
__________________________________ 

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years  ago. 
WINNIE:     Me! 
__________________________________________   

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so  dirty? 
GLEN:         Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you  are.   
_______________________________________ 

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting  with ' I. ' 
MILLIE:         I  is.. 
TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.' 
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'      
________________________________ 

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down  his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.   Now, Louie, do you know why his father  didn't punish him? 
LOUIS:         Because George still had the axe in his  hand.     
______________________________________   

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my  Mom is a good cook.   
______________________________ 

TEACHER:     Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the  same as your brother's. Did you copy  his? 
CLYDE :        No, sir. It's the same dog.   
___________________________________ 

TEACHER:   Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 
HAROLD:    A teacher 
__________________________________

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## teylyn

Paddy has been stopped by the police because he was speeding like a maniac through the streets of Dublin, driving in the middle of the road. When asked if he had any explanation why he was going so fast he said: "Well, yes! It says so right here on my drivers lincense. Look! 'Tear off at dotted line'!!!!"

----------


## ConneXionLost

SIX MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE


Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands ***** in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:



```
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```


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:



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```


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:



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Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:



```
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Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:



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Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:



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----------


## pike

The scene is set  - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. 

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.  Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.. 

The night of tales begins... 

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I 
linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were 
standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my
beer hends'. 

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended 
orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a 
rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind 
then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today' 

Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his p###s.

----------


## teylyn

haha, pike.

how'bout:

Two Australians have decided to try some of these adventure sports. Afterwards, they meet in the ER room of the local hospital, both pretty beat up, waiting for treatment for their various broken limbs, cuts and grazes. One guy has a parakeet tied to his arm, the other one has a budgie fastened onto each of his shoulders.

Says the first one: "I never thought para-gliding would be so hard."

And the other one: "Yeah. I guess I'll never get the hang of budgie jumping!"

----------


## pike

The Australia sense of humor can get you into trouble

............. but can you just say six

----------


## jkr6064

A man goes into his local library and after looking around for some time, approaches the librarian and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "Get lost, you'll never return it!"

----------


## oldchippy

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."

----------


## pike

LOL 

the best jokes I have read for a while

----------


## pike

Only in Texas my friends...Only in Texas .Too bad...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer..

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'  

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the $hit out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?' 


                                     God Bless Texas........

----------


## jeffwest2

Lionel Ritchie has opened a muslim butcher's shop in Bradford.......It's called "Haalal, is it meat you're looking for"

A boy comes home from school at 7pm,
His Dad says " Where were you?"
"I was with Jessica" He replied
"What were you doing?" asks his Dad
"We were revising" says the boy

After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely"
Dad replies " Wash your hands son; they're f**kin donuts"!!

----------


## teylyn

LOL

Language barrier or ignorance: can you explain #2 for the uninitiated, please?


*edit:* Thanks dominicb! Received the PM  :Wink:   -- I realised I was not that daft after all, I just had not figured out that there were only *two* jokes, not three (I took each blank line as a _joke separator_, so I didn't get the funny bit in joke #2 and I thought that joke #3 lacked some kind of intro)

----------


## dominicb

> LOL
> 
> Language barrier or ignorance: can you explain #2 for the uninitiated, please?



Perhaps this is kept off the forum - I'll send you a PM.

DominicB

----------


## darkyam

There are three couples applying for membership in a church.  The pastor tells them he has a test for them to prove their devotion: they can't be intimate with each other for two weeks.  

Two weeks later, they all come back to him and he asks the elderly first couple how they did.  The man says, "It went fine.  We've been married forty years, so it was no problem for us."

"Great, welcome to the church."  Turning to the middle-aged second couple, he said, "And how did you do?"

The woman responds, "Well, we were tempted a bit, and it wasn't easy, but we managed to make it the entire two weeks."

"Wonderful, welcome to the church."  Then to the 20-something third couple, he asks, "And how were your two weeks?"

The guy answers, "Well, we've only been married a few months, so it was torture for us.  We were actually doing well until this morning at breakfast, though.  Then she dropped her napkin, we both went to pick it up, our eyes locked, passions ignited, and we just had to have each other then and there."

The pastor tells them, "Well, I understand, but unfortunately, I can't let you into the church."

"That's ok.  They won't let us back into that restaurant, either."

----------


## darkyam

A pastor was baptizing people in a river when he sees a drunk walk by.  He goes and gets the drunk, brings him into the river, and baptizes him.  On bringing him up, the pastor asks, "Young man, have you found Jesus?"

"No."

The pastor says a quick prayer and baptizes him again.  "Have you found Jesus?"

"No."

The pastor prays again and baptizes him a third time.  "Young man, have you found Jesus?"

"No, are you sure he fell in here?"

----------


## darkyam

In the beginning, God created man.  And man was lonely, so God created a dog.  The man was happy and the dog was happy, but there was a problem.  The dog treated the man like a god, and so the man began to think of himself as one.

And so God created a cat, and the cat ignored the man and treated him poorly, never once being grateful for anything the man did for it.  And man remembered his place, that he was indeed below God.  And God was happy, and man was happy, and the dog was happy...and the cat didn't give a damn either way.

----------


## teylyn

I saw this post years ago on www.webmasterworld.com/foo, which is the equivalent to the Water Cooler here. It's a tad long and you may need to skip the intro, unless you were a regular visitor to WMW in 2003 and the names mean anything to you. 

I just thought that maybe soon we might also have a hardware forum here and should prepare for difficult questions about keyboards and coffee spills.

So here goes. Not in quote tags, because it would be so much harder to read. 
Source: http://www.webmasterworld.com/forum9/4766.htm

***************************

Einstein once said “never commit to memory what you can look up”.

Or words to that effect. I’m fairly sure it was Einstein. I have it on file here somewhere.

Einstein or not, when I first heard the quote it struck me as an eminently sensible idea. I mean, whether or not you ascribe to the idea that the human brain has finite capacity (and I’m not sure I do, though my ex-husband is the closest thing you’ll ever get to imperical evidence), it makes a still makes reasonable sense not to spend a lot of time and energy memorising tidbits of knowledge you will rarely call on.

I think perhaps though, I have taken Einstein’s rule a little too much to heart. There are certain tidbits of knowledge that you really *should* remember... however rarely you may call on them. For example:

> I was allergic to shellfish last year, I am allergic to shellfish this year, and I will be allergic to shellfish next year.
> Objects in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear.
> Never ask if this {fill in the gap} makes my butt look big... if I have to ask, it does.... ‘just put the hanger back and step awaaaaay from the rack, deejay, and no-one’s feelings will get hurt’.
> Some plastics have lower melting points than others.
> Striped clothes are not me and never will be.
ÃCoffee, keyboards and snortingly-funny WebmasterWorld posts do not mix.

Obviously some of these, while crucial to me, are irrelevant to anyone else. Some have relevance to a wider audience. That last one for example. Let me say it again:

Coffee, keyboards and snortingly-funny WebmasterWorld posts *do not* mix.

You see, since moving house a month ago I’ve fallen into a quite nice Saturday morning routine... a key part of which is logging on around 10 am with a cup of coffee and catching up on the overnight posts. Now I don’t actually drink coffee, except for this one lovely cup a week, so this is a treat and a ritual.

..............*pausing for the readership to pick themselves up off the floor and calm their hearts at the idea of only one coffee a week*.....................

The chirping of modem in one ear and low grumbling of the Krups espresso machine in the other... I swear it’s starting to elicit a Pavlovian response in me.... it’s like foreplay for geeks.

So anyway.. I’m sitting, I’m sipping, I’m savouring.... appropriately enough, I ended up in the coffee cup thread.

a smile here, a chuckle there, a chortle in between.. a guffaw at DaveN’s ‘admission’ to having stolen mivox’s mug (I just knew someone was going to)... a snicker and ‘oooo’ at mivox’s ominous reply... a titter at Nick’s Mr Tickle mug-inspired slinking.......

and then pixel_juice had to bloody speak up... mid-sip I might add.





> Err, yes Nick...<coughs>. Very nice !



Cough indeed.

More like <abortedswallow - closedmouthlaughandcough - snortcoffeeoutnose - leanforwardoverkeyboard - slopcoffeecupeverywhere - gasp>

Oh bloody marvellous. Just flippin lovely.

Understand that I take my coffee very strong, very milky and very sweet. The spoon doesn’t quite stand up in the cup, but it may dissolve if not removed quickly enough. My coffee was the runner-up in adhesives when Post-Its were being developed... perpetually sticky stuff y’know. Suffice to say this is no watery concoction that can be easily shaken out of a keyboard or dabbed away with a tissue.

Still, no big deal really. I’ve cleaned plenty of keyboards in my time. Five minutes later it’s unplugged, keys popped off and soaking in warm water with dishwashing liquid. and I’m attacking the base of the keyboard with cotton ear buds and warm water. The cleaning was long overdue anyway, so I’m not too phased... stitch in time, penny saved, pip pip ay what old chap and all that rubbish.

Most of the coffee’s coming away alright... but I have a cat... longhair of course... and I have just found out where a good part of that two pounds of fur that she moulted last spring ended up. Oh, and the place I moved from recently had a dog too. Lest I forget the poor darling, he has contributed a few locks of hair as a reminder.

Time for the vacuum cleaner. Done this plenty of times too... remove the head and wave the vacuum hose a few inches above the keyboard... zzzzzip! All hair/fur gone. Works like a charm. Unfortunately it completely escaped me that I bought a new vacuum cleaner just a month ago. The old one was way past its use by date. My old vacuum cleaner’s engine was to suck as.... as... well, for lack of a better comparison and to avoid unnecessary s@xual references... as half a cabbage leaf is to a fart. My *new* vacuum cleaner, on the other hand, is a baked bean entree, vindaloo curry main, cucumber side dish and 3 pints of lager. I mean this thing could.... well, you can imagine, I’m sure.

So OK, I’m waving vacuum hose.... and oh, bugger me! You know those little round rubber things inside the keyboard? The bits that get depressed by the keys when you press them? Three of the little blighters just shot up into the vacuum.

Sonobaditch!

Growlscowlprowl around and find an old newspaper... empty vacuum bag (full, of course) and pick through to find rubber bits. If you’ve never actually opened up your keyboard and seen these bits... they’re about the size of my fingernail (of course you’ve never seen my fingernail either.. yours will do), surprisingly soft, clear rubber... and they turn the colour of whatever dust they are coated in, effectively rendering them invisible in a pile of vacuum bag contents. There’s no way round it but to rub through the entire contents between my fingers to find them. *BLECH*


_... part 2 in next post, total text too long for 1 post ...._

----------


## teylyn

_previous post continued ....
_

Recovered, washed, dried.. and now I’m stuck with opening up the damn keyboard body to put them back in. Well hell, if I’m going that far I may as well remove the sensor sheet thingy and actually wash to keyboard case itself... so I did. Only took two goes to put it back together again... marginally pleased with myself at that.

In the meantime, the keys have been lying on a towel, hopefully drying in the sunlight from the window. Nearly. Not quite. Droplets of water here and there. It’s autumn in New Zealand at the moment and just not warm enough for this.

That’s ok. I have a mouse. I don’t need a keyboard to read posts. I can log on and just have a bit of a read at WebmasterWorld while I give those keys another half hour or so to finish drying. So I did. For five minutes. Until a box popped up on my screen telling me that it couldn’t locate the keyboard on my machine.

Well I knew that. It’s in 109 pieces on the floor beside me.

My vocalisations to that effect didn’t seem to satisfy the machine though, and it crashed forthwith.

“where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?”

It’s been a couple of hours since the spill now.... a lot longer than I anticipated this taking... I’m still tasting coffee in my nose, but it is now accompanied by a fine layer of vacuum cleaner dust (it’s just ridiculous that when you sneeze to clear your nose, you must first inhale a mighty breath thereby dragging in 10 times the amount of dust that tickled your nose and made you want to sneeze in the first place).

Right. Enough of this nonsense. I’m not going to chance the keys in the oven, as I’m still getting used to this one... it runs a bit hot and the last thing I want is melted keys. How embarrassing would that be!

“I cooked my keyboard on the weekend”
“oh? power surge?”
“no no, roasting dish.. 150 degrees celsius”.

Ha. I’m far to smart for that thank you very bloody much. Out comes the hairdryer.

So I grab about 10 keys at a time and toss them into a glass bowl and wave my hairdryer round at them... making the keys skitter round and cleverly evaporating any leftover water. Tip the ten out on a fresh towel, grab another handful and repeat. Bewdiful.

Tipping the third or fourth batch out onto the towel, one of the larger keys caught my eye. I picked it up and noted that the bottom edge of the key of it wasn’t cut in a straight line... it was wobbly... huh... shoddy workmanship there. Hadn’t noticed any other irregulars up to this point though, so didn’t worry much.

Next batch.. crikey d ick .. there’s another one. Errr... hang on... sure enough... I was cooking the keys with my flippin hairdryer. It wasn’t even that hot!

Thing Worth Remembering No 2:

ÃSome plastics have lower melting points than others.

I realise I am chanting “pixel_juice, Pixel_Juice, PIXEL_JUICE!” under my breath... though I look nothing like a gothic teenage Winona Ryder, and cannot remember more than ten words of the banana boat song, let alone levitate while singing it.

But I digress. I’m prone to that. I also regress occasionally, but that’s another story.

ahem. yes. well.

I had a quick hunt through the dried keys for the enter key. Now I *KNOW* that key was fine, because I actually dried that one on its own, and it was perfectly *FINE*. Well it’s not now. It’s bent like a bloody banana. The damn thing has warped after I put it down. I know it’s futile, but I try to fit it to the keyboard anyway. It might fit.

Pigs might fly too.

Did I mention that I’m 3/4 Scottish? The penny-pinching gene is the only excuse I can offer for actually thinking to myself ‘there’s another enter key... if that one’s alright then I can probably live without that one for a while’.... and trying to fit another half dozen keys to the board. As it was, about half of them were also warped, so it just wasn’t a happening thing.

So anyways to make a long story... err.. well.. longer... I went and bought a new keyboard at Kmart. This was after, of course, the 15 minute search for my wallet, which I didn’t find and therefore concluded that I had left it at work... which I had... of course.

It’s now past midnight here. I’ve achieved nothing today except a science lesson, spending $35 and this post.

I should be asleep, but I was feeling a bit cheated out of my coffee from this morning... so about two hours ago I made a fresh brew. I really should start wearing a watch. Or get a clock in this room. Or look at the bottom right corner of my screen occasionally. Double strength, extra sweet coffee after 10 pm is not a good idea. If anyone would like to swing by and scrape me off the ceiling, there’s a spatula in the kitchen.

So there you have it. Consider this a cautionary tale and take what you will from it, but remember:

> Some plastics have lower melting points than others.
> Coffee, keyboards and snortingly-funny WebmasterWorld posts do not mix

********************************

----------


## pike

The following is an actual question given in a University of Washington chemistry mid term. 

 The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat-ÃžÃÂªÃÂ§ÃšÃš) or endothermic (absorbs heat-ÃÂ¡Ã•Ã€Ã’ Ã—Ã•Ã /ÃžÃÂªÃ—ÃžÃ )? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. 
One student, however, wrote the following: 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. 
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. 
This gives two possibilities: 
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. 
So which is it? 
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' 
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

----------


## oldchippy

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one. 

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par. 

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing 

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldnÂt decide between a wood and an iron. 

This was the first time Tiger Woods failed to drive 400 yards in a straight line.

----------


## DonkeyOte

Didn't take long  :Wink: 

OC, the one-lines back on post 120 something - are they c/o Tim Vine ?

----------


## oldchippy

> are they c/o Tim Vine ?



Can't say I've heard of him before, I had to look him up

Perhaps we should start a "one-liner" thread

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades"

----------


## jeffwest2

After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling. When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together. 

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. 
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, tore open her blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her bra off, starts passionately kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kisses them passionately. 

A side glance at her husband he then puts his hand up her skirt rips her G-String off and fondles her wildly while her husband Mark watches with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open. 

Jacqueline, flushed, try's to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sits down as though in a total daze. 

The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?' 

Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

----------


## teylyn

Time to write your Xmas wish list.

----------


## darkyam

Oh, crap!  I'm getting coal again.

----------


## pike

**DRILL PRESS:
**A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
**
**WIRE WHEEL:
**Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh!t!"
**
**SKILL SAW:
**A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
**
**PLIERS:
**Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
**
**BELT SANDER:
**An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
**
**HACKSAW:
**One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
**
**VISE-GRIPS:
**Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
**
**OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
**Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
**
**TABLE SAW:
**A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
**
**HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
**Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
**
**BAND SAW:
**A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
**
**TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
**A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
**
**PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
**Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
**
**STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
**A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
**
**PRY BAR:
**A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
**
**HOSE CUTTER:
**A tool used to make hoses too short.
**
**HAMMER:
**Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
**
**UTILITY KNIFE:
**Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
**
**Son of a b*tch TOOL:
**Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a *****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

----------


## teylyn

Add to that:

**Excel:
**A spreadsheet application named to make you feel as if you're doing really brililant stuff and getting on in the world, while you really spend most time on wrestling with its "features" and inventing workarounds.

----------


## pike

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"*MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyCanberra"

*When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

----------


## oldchippy

A living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room, and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

----------


## jonebele

Good jokes. All jokes are very funny. Me and my wife laugh very much at last night. I really enjoyed.  
Thanks

----------


## pike

Tiger Shark

----------


## D_Rennie

looks like you have settled into Moruya quite will there pike.

----------


## pike

Yes I'll be here for a while the summers are lovely, mild and little to no humidity
We have only had about five days over 38

----------


## Richard Buttrey

Two chaps discussing what they did last night.

1st. Oh we had a wonderful time last night, found a new restaurant.

2nd. Oh, what's it like then?

1st. Absolutely superb, wonderful food, well presented, and a fantastic ambience to the place. 

2nd, What's it called.

1st. Oh, err, what the hell is it called. ermm, oh for heaven's sake what is it....red, what's that shrub that's red, well often red although other colours as well, you know, it's thorny, you prune it every year, lots of different varieties all smell different, oh damn! What on earth is it called.

2nd You mean a rose?

1st Oh that's it. Of course, (calling over his shoulder to the kitchen). Rose what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

----------


## pike

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION*
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME*
WITH THE*MOST ROMANTIC*FIRST LINE,*
AND THE*LEAST ROMANTIC**SECOND LINE:*


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:*
Marrying you has screwed up my life.*

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.*
That's why I always wake up screaming.*

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;*
This describes everything you are not.*

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,*
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.*

5. I thought that I could love no other*
-- that is until I met your brother.*

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.*
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's*
empty and so is your head.*

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;*
But don't take that paper bag off your face.*

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes*
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!*

9. My love, you take my breath away.*
What have you stepped in to smell this way?*

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,*
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'*

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?*
Two parts vodka, one part lime.*

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

----------


## pike

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." 

Passenger: "Who?" 

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time." 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." 

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." 

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." 

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" 

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his widow."

----------


## SPNesteby

This one always cracks me up....and yes, I'm a guy.



A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. Amazed, the woman asked if she got three wishes. 

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" 

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." 

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." 

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man." 

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."

----------


## pike

LOL..................15 all

----------


## pike

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.



His father said he'd make a deal with his son:  "You bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair
cut.  Then we'll talk about the car."



The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.



After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your
grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."



The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair .... and there's even
strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."



To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they walked
everywhere they went?"

----------


## pike

I just found out I can still have S=E=X at 71!   













I am so happy because I only live at 58, 
so it's not far to walk home . . .

----------


## pike

A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should =
meet for dinner.

*
***** Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Westside 
Tavern restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and 
nice breasts.

**
***** 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once 
again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is 
agreed upon that they should meet at the Westside Tavern because the 
food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

*
***** 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once 
again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is 
agreed upon that they should meet at the Westside Tavern because they 
can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

*****
***** 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once 
again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is 
agreed upon that they should meet at the Westside Tavern because the 
restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

******
***** 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once 
again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is 
agreed upon that they should meet at the Westside Tavern because they 
have never been there before.

----------


## pike

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English:

*

*


1.**Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2.**One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3.**Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

4.**If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5.**The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.*

6.**I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7.**What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8.**If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9.**If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10.**Is there another word for synonym?

11.**Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"*

*

12.**What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13.**If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14.**Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15.**Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?*

16.**If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or *****?

17.**Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18.**If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19.**Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20.**How do they get deer to cross the road only at those*yellow road*signs?

21.**What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22.***One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23.**Does the little mermaid wear an algaebra?
*
24.***How is it possible to have a civil war?

25.**If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

*

26.**If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

27.**If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

28.*Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

29.**Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "arseteroids"?

30.**Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

31.**Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

32.**If you spin an*oriental person in a circle*three times, do they become disoriented

*

----------


## pike

You know you're Australian if....

You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total *******' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a *******'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'U

You wear ugh boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants. 

You will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand!!

----------


## Ron Coderre

The long, cold mountain winter finally turned into spring. The snows melted and 
the passes opened. The big, burly mountain man made the long walk into the tiny town 
and went into his favorite building.

"Bartender", he says. "I'll have a beer and a woman!"

The bartender says, "You can have that beer, but the last woman left town four months 
ago. But, we DO have Old Joe in the back room".  

The mountain man stares aghast and shouts out, "I don't go for that stuff!", and 
storms back up the mountain.

Another year passes, spring comes, the snows melt...and the people of the little town can 
hear the mountain man crashing through the bushes in his haste. He bursts through the 
same door of his favorite building and booms out, "Barkeep...Skip the beer. I just want a 
woman!"

The barkeeper scratches his beard and states, "Well, the last woman left town a little over 
a year ago...but, we do still have Old Joe in the back room."

The mountain man's outrage boils over and he reach out to pummel the barkeeper while 
yelling, "I told you last time...I don't go for that stuff!"

Just before the huge man got a hold of him, the bartender blurted out, 
"Wait!..Think about it...Who would know?"

Well, the mountain man was caught off guard.  He stopped for a moment and thought.
"You're right!" he said. "Who WOULD know?....Just you..and me...and Old Joe."

"Um..and Bill and Dave", the bartender said.

"Bill and Dave? Why in the world would they have to be there, too?"

"Why, to hold Old Joe down...*HE DOESN'T GO FOR THAT STUFF, EITHER!*"

----------


## pike

[1st joke removed, inappropriate for the site.]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.***

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and* 
would just walk home.***

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a 
bucket and a gallon of paint..***

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and* 
a goose.***

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to* 
carry his entire purchases home. 

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady 
who told him she was lost.***

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"*

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to* 
that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."*

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the 
bucket.* Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and 
carry the goose in your other hand?"*

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home*

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.* 
We'll be there in no time." 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely 
widow without a husband to defend me.* How do I know that when we get in the 
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your 
way with me?" 

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady!* I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of 
paint, two chickens, and a goose..* How in the world could I possibly hold 
you up against the wall and do that?" 

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put 
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens "

----------


## pike

A Lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it
off to his colleagues. 

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close
to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the
police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance
to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My
Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's
at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head
in disgust. 

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Lawyer are,' he says. 'You
lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything
else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche
owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you.'

The Lawyer looks down in horror. 

CRIKEY !' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

----------


## pike

Five Aussies in an Audi Quattro arrived at an kiwi border checkpoint.

Bro the officer stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people
in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Aussie retorts
disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons.''

You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Bro 'Quattro means four.  You have

five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.

'The Aussie replies angrily, 'You idiot ! Call your superior over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Bro, 'YoBro is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

----------


## D_Rennie

One For the guys.


Last year a friend of mine upgraded from GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources available for other applications. He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

      Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

      Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.

   1. a "Don't remind me again" button
   2. a Minimize button
   3. An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources
   4. An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system's hardware probe feature to be much more useful. 

I myself decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 7.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 7.0 on top of Girlfriend 6.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 6.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conficts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 6.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
Bug Warning

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

      Bug work-arounds: To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.
Tech Support Suggestions

These are very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is indeed an operating system and designed by its creator to run everything.

      It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 6.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 6.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 6.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

      Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.

      I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

      Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

      Best of Luck,
      Tech Support

----------


## D_Rennie

one for the girls.

Dear Tech Support:

    Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run HouseCleaning 2.6.

    I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

    Sincerely, XXX

Dear XXX:

    This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

    Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

    In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

    Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3.

    I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

    Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command

    "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

    Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

    TECH TIP!

        Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE

    command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

    Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

    Just remember! The system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

    Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

    A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

    I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

    Tech Support

----------


## dominicb

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club

A  mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else inthe room stops to listen. 

MAN: 'Hello' 

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes' 

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only  Â£1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?' 

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the BMW dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.' 

MAN: 'How much?' 

WOMAN: ' Â£ 90,000' 

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.' 

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking Â£ 950,000' 

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of Â£900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.' 

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!' 

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in   astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?' 



DominicB

----------


## pike

An  Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin,

orders  three pints of Guinness

and  sits in the back of the room,

drinking  a sip out of each one in turn.


When  he finished all three, he comes back

to  the bar and orders three more. The  bartender

says  to him,*'You  know, a pint goes flat after I


draw  it; It would taste better if you*bought  one

at  a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see,*I have  two

brothers.  One is in America, the other in  

Australia,*and  I'm here in* Dublin. When we  all


left  home, we promised that we'd drink this  way

to  remember the days we  all drank together...'

The bartender admits that this is a  nice custom,

and  leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar  and always

drinks  the same way: he orders three pints and  drinks

the  three pints by taking drinks from each of  them

in  turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two  pints.

All  the other regulars' in the bar notice and  fall

silent.

When  he comes back to the bar for the second  round,

the  bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude  on

your  grief, but I wanted to offer my  condolences

on  your great loss.'


The  Irishman looks confused for a moment, then  the

light  dawns in his eye and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone  is fine.

It's  me..........I've quit  drinking!'

----------


## pike

Bro and YoBro walking down a street in Brisbane. Bro happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said: 
"Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair". 
Bro says to his pal, "YoBro, Look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to newzealin, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best ossie accent.' 
'Roight y'are, bro, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says yobro. 
They go in and bro says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and ........" 
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from New Zealand, aren't you?" 
"Well...yes," says a surprised Bro. "How d' y' new ?" 
The owner says,   "This is a dry cleaners."

----------


## darkyam

A blonde is walking down the road when she sees another blonde coming the other way with a sack over her shoulder.  The first blonde asks what's in the sack and the second blonde says she has kittens.

The first blonde says, "Oh, if I can guess how many are in there, can I have one?"

Second blonde, "If you can guess how many, I'll give you both of them."

The first blonde thinks for a moment and guesses, "Five."

----------


## pike

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS   hospital and this conversation
 follows:

 'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree.. She was
 admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her
 condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

 'Do you know which ward she is in?'

 'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

 'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

 'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

 'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was
 wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

 'I'll just check her notes.. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's
 condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature
 has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well
 enough to go home tomorrow.'

 'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

 'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

 'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you bugger all here

----------


## pike

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Melbourne Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
 Not to be outdone by the Victorians, in the weeks that followed, a Sydney archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the Sydney Morning Herald that read:
 "New South Wales archaeologists, finding traces of 130 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network thirty years earlier than the Victorians".
 One week later, the Courier Mail in Brisbane, Queensland, reported the following:
 "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard at Runaway Bay, Queensland, Len Kingston-Kerr, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all.
 Len has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Queensland had already gone wireless."
 Just makes you proud to be a Queenslander!

----------


## martindwilson

way i heard  it  he came from NSW  !!!    :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

----------


## ratcat

Hahahaha I think Martin that Pike is having a 'dig' at the Queenslanders.

----------


## martindwilson

no ! really! i was thinking probably the man lived not far from gundary park

----------


## pike

No, it NSW.
With the price of fights at the momnent we should arange a Excel Forum members meeting in Brisvagas, sidly or even the east island??

----------


## pike

The toilets near Gundary Park are famous

----------


## ratcat

LOL it was been a lot cheaper for me just to drive to your place Pike or meet ya halfway at the National's Capital.

----------


## teylyn

> Excel Forum members meeting in Brisvagas, sidly or even the east island??



EAST ISLAND!!! Bring your surfing kit. 
Excel nerds between mountain and surf. 

Perfect.

----------


## pike

Rural NSW, Australia . OK your at Gundary Park....
I'll be heading to Canberra Saturday then across to Goulburn and back to Mourya Sunday.
Next time I'll have to stop at the Gundary Pub for a Beer & Pie

----------


## pike

with the rise of the AUS dollar to the Pound we could even go and see lizzy

----------


## ratcat

Think the exchange is better for Lizzy to see us and shout us at beer or two. Cos I saw on the news the other day a English couple won Lotto. The prize was about 50M pound which equated to about 90M Aus. No wonder the English couple is holidaying here in Oz.





> EAST ISLAND!!! Bring your surfing kit.




Btw Teylyn I'll pack my bodyboard if we head that way  :Smilie:

----------


## oldchippy

Sleeping with Bob       

The guys were all at a deer camp.  No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly..  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.      

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."   

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!  He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned,  older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it..  They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  Bob sat up and watched me all night."

----------


## oldchippy

Tools and their uses. 
________________________________________
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****)!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a ***** TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a *****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

----------


## pike

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM &FUZZY

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit
her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and
bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes
into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you
croak, we're all going to DisneyLand !"

----------


## martindwilson

one for teylyn
men think with the right side of the brain.............
women don't

----------


## teylyn

LOL, martin. I'm suppressing all the comments that immediately spring to mind ...

----------


## darkyam

A store owner had a friend in town and was showing him about the place when he noticed a certain boy walking down the street.  He turns to his friend and says, "That is the dumbest kid ever.  Watch, I'll prove it to you."

He goes outside to the kid, pulls out a shiny quarter and a crumpled up dollar bill.  "Hey, kid, how are you?  Today is your lucky day.  You get to choose between this shiny new quarter and this old, wrinkled dollar bill."

The kid thinks for a few seconds and then takes the quarter and starts walking away.  The shop owner looks triumphantly at his friend and says, "I've done that dozens of times and he's never taken the dollar," as he walks past.

The friend hurries after the kid and catches him.  "Hey, son, what are you doing?  That dollar is worth four times as much as the quarter."

The kid looks up at him and says with a smile, "I know that, Mister, but the day I take the dollar, the game is up."

__________________________________________________________________________

A man is sitting at a table in a bar with a few guys and then goes up to the bartender.  "I bet $500 I can slide a mug across this bar, stand on the bar, and relieve myself into that mug without missing a single drop."  

The bartender willingly accepts the bet and they slide a mug to the other end of the bar.  The guy gets on the bar and starts relieving himself, not even coming close to the mug, but getting it on the bar, the stools, and the floor.

"Ha!  That wasn't even close.  You owe me $500!" the bartender says when he's done.

"Sure thing," the guy says happily, pulling out the money and giving it to him with a smile.

"Hey, why are you so happy?  You just lost $500."

"Yeah, but you see those four guys at that table?  I just bet each of them $1,000 that I could pee all over your bar and you'd be thrilled about it."

----------


## darkyam

And now for a good Irish joke:

Seamus goes to Cara's house and knocks hesitantly at the door.  When she answers, he hangs his head and says, "Cara, lass, I'm afraid I have some bad news of yer Paddy."

"Oh, Seamus, what is it?"

"Well...he died today at work."

"Tell me how it happened, Seamus.  I need to know."

"He fell into the whiskey vat and drowned."

"That's terrible.  Was it at least a pretty quick death?"

"No, actually, he got out twice to pee."

----------


## darkyam

And now a little something to make fun of much of the rest of Europe:

HEAVEN is where:
The police are British
The chefs Italian
The mechanics are German
The lovers are French
and it's all organised by the Swiss

HELL is where:
The police are German
The chefs are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
and it's all organised by the Italians!!

----------


## danieldescalso

Teacher:  What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor. :Smilie:

----------


## martindwilson

darkyam i think you got it wrong!
heaven for taste = food European
hell  (well its just bulk) = food USA
VFM = USA
robbed blind= european
American cuisine is an oxymoron

----------


## pike

The*Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to* Bagdad to watch a young Iraqi play* football, is suitably impressed and arranges for*him to come over to Anfield.*
**
Two weeks later* Liverpool are 4-0 down*to* Manchester United*with only 20 minutes left*to*play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and*on he goes.*
**
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and*wins the game for* Liverpool *.* *The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are*delighted and the media love the new star.*
**
When the player comes off the pitch he*phones home to tell his mum about his first day in*English football.*
**
‘Hello mum, guess what?’ he says ‘I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0 down but*I scored 5 and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the*media, they all love me!’*
**
‘Wonderful’, says his mum, ‘Just wonderful. Now let*me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street*and robbed; your sister*and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten; your brother*has joined a gang of looters and all the while you were having*such a great time playing football!’
**
The young lad is very upset. ‘What can I say mum, I am sooo sorry.’*
*
‘Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' shrieks his mum, "Is that all you can say? If it weren’t for you playin ruddy football, we’d never have moved to Liverpool in the first Place!!”*

----------


## darkyam

A butcher is in his shop when a dog comes in with a $20 in its mouth.  The guy thinks this is kind of cute, so he asks the dog, "Would you like to buy some meat, boy?"

The dog drops the money on the counter and barks once.  

"What'll it be?  Ribs?  Pork chops?  Steak?"

At steak, the dog barks again.

The butcher is a little surprised at this point because he's starting to get the feeling the dog understands him, so he continues, "What kind?  Porterhouse?  Rib eye?  Filet mignon?  T-bone?"

At T-bone, the dog barks again.

"How many?  One?  Two?"

At two, the dog barks again.  The butcher, very impressed by now, wraps up the meat, rings up the purchase, and puts the change and receipt in the bag, which he gives to the dog.  With business being light, he decides to close shop for a bit and follows the dog to see where he goes.  The dog goes down the street a few blocks, into an apartment building, uses the elevator, and then starts pawing at this one door.

A man comes out of the door and starts yelling at the dog.  The butcher comes up to him and says, "Hey, buddy!  Stop that!  That dog is the most intelligent animal I've ever seen!"

"Intelligent?  That's the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"

----------


## oldchippy

Cough Syrup..........

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily Against a wall.

He asks the blonde clerk:
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxative."

The pharmacist yells:
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds,
"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough".

----------


## josephwright

lol

all jokes are nice

another good joke by me:

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

MeanwhileÂ somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husbandÂs funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widowÂs son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: IÂve Reached Safely
Date: 21 st July, 2004

I know youÂre surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. IÂve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was Â

----------


## oldchippy

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. 

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in. 

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" 

The pharmacist answers, "Yes." 

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" 

Pharmacist: "Of course we do." 

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" 

Pharmacist: "All kinds " 

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" 

Pharmacist: "Definitely." 

Jacob: "How about suppositories?" 

Pharmacist: "You bet!" 

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" 

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." 

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" 

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.." 

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" 

Pharmacist: "We sure do." 

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" 

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." 

Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?" 

Pharmacist: "Sure." 

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list !"

----------


## williamslewis

Thanks all for sharing great jokes, here is one from me.

Judi was bored with driving her BMW. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week, she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio -- what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded, after a few minutes, that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily, she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait later, she saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?

Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?

----------


## pike

One day a Kiwi, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 6 years, saw a speck on the horizon. 

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship" 

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. 

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! 

She walked up to the stunned Kiwi and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" 

"Sux  years," replied the amazed Kiwi. 

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of Cuban cigars and a lighter. 

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "bro," said the castaway, 
Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" 

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Whiskey?" asked the blonde. 

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Sux years." 

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. 

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "bro, nictar of the gods!" shouted the Kiwi. " ' fintastic!!!" 

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" 

With tears in his eyes, the Kiwi fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

----------


## teylyn

LOL, takes a while to get used to the Kiwi life style ... and the pronunciation. 

Mind you, if they say what sounds like "six", they mean they refer to the term that  gets ***ed out in this forum. 

 :Smilie:

----------


## iangould

Thanks all for sharing so many nice jokes  :Smilie: 
here is on from mine



Little Johnny Jokes

Visit to the Police Station

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman.

"The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

----------


## davegugg

Hey, just saw this thread, some very funny ones.  I've got a few to contribute:

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say ‘good-bye Grandpa’?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." 

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy smokes", thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" 

He said "I don't want to talk about it - I've just spent the worst day of my life." 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

----------


## davegugg

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. 
After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop. 
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there are a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. 
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.” The cop is happy and leaves the shop. 
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there are a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. 
Later that day, a businessman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.” The businessman is very happy and leaves the shop. 
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there are a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful’. 
Then, a politician comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.” The politician is very happy and leaves the shop. 
The next morning, when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

----------


## davegugg

This one probably won't make much sense unless you live in the good ol' USA:

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a “Save the Trees” shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing “Go Sarah” shirts raced up. 

One quickly fired a shot right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck. The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. 

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them men over to him. 

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." 

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?" 

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom." 

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

----------


## davegugg

Grandpa Gugg was reminiscing about the good old days several years ago. 
"When I were a lad, Momma would send me down to t'corner store wi' a dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now. Too many damn security cameras.”

----------


## oldchippy

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to **** in the boat."

----------


## pike

oldchippy,I've just phoned Davo and Johnno and both said not to waste my time going to the sea as it not true!

----------


## davegugg

Here's another one that'll probably make the most sense to the US folks:

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color are you looking for?”
The bride to be said: “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time – for those who are a bit more  innocent, if you know what I mean. Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?”
“Well,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”
“What about your third husband?” asked the sales clerk.
“That one was a Democrat,” said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.”

----------


## davegugg

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.  Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Uh-oh!  I'm in trouble!"  Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.  Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther!  I wonder if there are any more around here?"  
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.  "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close!  That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it in for protection from the panther.  So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures something must be up.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says, "Where's that squirrel?  I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Brilliance only comes with age and experience.

----------


## ratcat

Man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends
plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over.
They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery
taking place in a house around the block. The police tell the partyanimal to stay put, they'll be right back and they run around the corner
to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone
who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if
Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she
replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day.

The police still have his driver's license. They ask to see his
car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them
to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the
police car, with all its lights still flashing.

----------


## pike

How to Tell the *** of a  Fly * * * * * 

A  woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around  with a fly swatter 

'What are you doing?' 
She asked.  * * * * * 

'Hunting Flies’ He  responded. 

'Oh. ! Killing any?' * * * *  * 
She asked. 

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he  replied.**********  


Intrigued,  she asked. 
'How  can you tell them apart?' *  * * * * 

He responded, *…  
3  were on a beer can, *  * * * * 
2  were on the phone. * * * * * 
* * * *  * * * * * *

----------


## davegugg

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, My fathers a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
Whats the moral of that story? asked the teacher.
Dont put all your eggs in one basket!
Very good, said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, Dont count your chickens before theyre hatched.
That was a fine story Sarah.
Michael, do you have a story to share?

Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldnt break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
Good heavens, said the horrified teacher, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?
Stay the heck away from Aunty Sharon when shes been drinking!!!!!!

----------


## NBVC

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

 I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been 
 dating for over a year, and so we  decided to get married. There 
 was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful 
 younger sister.

 My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very  tight mini 
 skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down 
 when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It 
 had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near 
 anyone else.

 One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to 
 check the  wedding invitations . She was  alone when I arrived, and 
 she whispered to me that she  had feelings and desires for me that 
 she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once  
 before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

 She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one 
 last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

 I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the 
 stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline 
 straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight 
 towards my car.

 Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, 
 all clapping!

 With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We 
 are very happy that you have passed our  little test. We couldn't 
 ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

 And the moral of this story is:

 Always keep your condoms in your car!

----------


## teylyn

Ahemmm!

Some stuff delivered by my 7-year old son:


1.)
What do you call a sleeping bull?

select the next line to see the answer
solution start: a bulldozer! solution end.


2.) This one only works with a Kiwi or Oz accent:
What do you do when you've got a gun and one bullet and you see a jaguar, a bear and a tiger?

You shoot the tiger, you drink the bear (pron. "beer" in NZ) and you drive a way in the Jaguar.


3.)
What does the scientist write on the robot's headstone? Select the solution line to see the answer.

start solution "Rust in peace" end solution

----------


## zbor

deleted...

----------


## davegugg

Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.  The husband picks up a case of Budweiser (beer) and puts it in their cart.

What do you think youre doing? asks the wife.
Theyre on sale, only $10 for 24 cans, he replies.

Put them back, we cant afford them, demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think youre doing? asks the husband.

Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful, replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.
On the PA system: Cleanup on Aisle 25, we have a husband down.

----------


## pike

Two women were sitting quietly together,  minding their own business ...

----------


## zbor

Forgive me pike.. I had to use it for my FB status  :Smilie:

----------


## teylyn

How 'bout a little vacation, pike? Seems like you need to chill out and recover from a bad experience  :Smilie:   :Smilie:   :Smilie:

----------


## oldchippy

This may have been posted before, but I didn't have the time to look, so if it was here it is again, if not enjoy!

Examination Answers
The following questions were set in last year's school examinations in America
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists 

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. *** can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainier, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!) 

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control 
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness 
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant) 

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

----------


## zbor

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

----------


## oldchippy

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.
The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

----------


## oldchippy

*Just Standard Pricing Procedure*

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. 

It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN. 

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?' 

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.' 

The moment turned awkward. 

Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?' 

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

----------


## oldchippy

*Drinking problem!*

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' 

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?' 

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. 

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' 

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 

'What's that?'

'Have you f*rted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand'

----------


## teylyn

LOL. That explains why there's so many Ozzies here with no money and no passport. <Giggle>

----------


## dominicb

> LOL. That explains why there's so many Ozzies here with no money and no passport. <Giggle>



...and Germans ... !?!? *duck*

DominicB

----------


## teylyn

Ah, but starting from Germany you'd end up in the middle of the Atlantic, or somewhere in Russia, depending on the direction you'd face upon propelling. I don't think you could drink enough to make it to NZ in one f... ehrm, hop.

----------


## oldchippy

*A Fairy Story*

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.

"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England win the world cup."

----------


## oldchippy

*Counselling - Southern Style*

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing Tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

----------


## pike

IN GENERAL 
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview. 
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church. 
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral. 


DINING OUT 
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand. 


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners. 


PERSONAL HYGIENE 
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys. 
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days. 
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery. 


DATING 
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook  especially on the first date. 
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago." 
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. 


THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE 
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. 


WEDDINGS 
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place) 
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer- bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. 
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion. 


DRIVING ETIQUETTE 
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight 
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 
4.. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

----------


## martindwilson

for those who don't speak transportese
stubby----A short glass bottle used for beer
Esky ----is brand of cool box
ute----Utility Vehicle or properly a pick up truck
dunny---outdoor toilet
cummer- bund actually  cummerbund  is a broad waist sash normally worn with a dinner jacket(rarely seen in Australia,As in "there's more chance of seeing an Australian in a dinner jacket old boy,than England winning the world cup"")
roo---Roo is a fictional character created by A. A. Milne ,a baby kangaroo

----------


## zbor

How do you call a person who speaks more than one language? - Polyglot.
How do you call a person who speaks only one language? - American.

----------


## davegugg

A few at the expense of Microsoft:

1) Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: Four. One to ask What is the registration number of the light bulb?, one to ask Have you tried rebooting it?, another to ask Have you tried reinstalling it? and the last one to say It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine 

2)
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great he said, I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger! He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
.

----------


## oldchippy

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson .

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something s*xy to a tractor"

----------


## Andrew-R

> 1) Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
>  A: Four. One to ask What is the registration number of the light bulb?, one to ask Have you tried rebooting it?, another to ask Have you tried reinstalling it? and the last one to say It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine



The one I heard was...

Q.  How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?

A.  None - they just redefine darkness as the industry standard.

----------


## Saarang84

The one that can misinterpreted in different ways...

f _ _ _ the f _ _ _ before the f _ _ _ f _ _ _ s you!!

----------


## TMS

> f _ _ _ the f _ _ _ before the f _ _ _ f _ _ _ s you!!



In a similar vein, I once heard a builder quite eloquently describing a broken piece of equipment as:

"the f...ing f...er's f...ing f...ed"

----------


## teylyn

I bet he felt better after that! I can almost see the stress cloud dissolving while uttering such a sentence.

----------


## oldchippy

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. 

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.   

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of both Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets. 

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now!


Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.

----------


## romperstomper

> In a similar vein, I once heard a builder quite eloquently describing a broken piece of equipment as:
> 
> "the f...ing f...er's f...ing f...ed"



Try John Cooper Clarke's poem _"Evidently Chicken Town"_.  :Wink:

----------


## Andrew-R

Or the classic scene in series 1 of _The Wire_, where McNulty and Bunk re-investigate a murder scene.

----------


## 6StringJazzer

> How do you call a person who speaks more than one language? - Polyglot.
> How do you call a person who speaks only one language? - American.



Call me anything you want, just don't call me late for dinner.  :Smilie: 

P.S. A native English speaker would say, "What do you call..."  :Wink:

----------


## thomasjackson1

GOOD OLD DAYS
When I was a child, my mother would send me down to the corner store with a 10 Rs, and I'd come back with
five Kgs of potatoes,
two loaves of bread,
three packs of milk,
a pack of cheese,
a packet of tea,
and half a dozen eggs....

You can't do that now.
Too many damn security cameras!!":-D

----------


## martindwilson

> P.S. A native English speaker would say, "What do you call..."



 i wouldn't bet on it lol

----------


## 6StringJazzer

> i wouldn't bet on it lol



Really? I'm American, have been to England a couple of times, have known a few Aussies, and have never heard that turn of phrase. Here, if you ask someoneHow do you call a person who speaks only one language?
The answer is, "Well, just pick up the phone and call, same as anybody else!"

----------


## squiggler47

8 years in the US and native to England, its funny what you dont hear, it wasnt until I moved back to the UK I noticed Jay Leno had an Accent!

----------


## martindwilson

try    wotcha call, !!!!!!!!!!!!

----------


## davegugg

For all you American Football fans out there:

The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas.
For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys

Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A. Old

Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers.

Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

----------


## davegugg

The Transportation Security Administration recently implemented new search routines at airports. There is growing public controversy over pat downs and full body scans at airports, The TSA Administrator stated that “there is a continual process of refinement and adjustment to ensure that best practices are followed.” To go along with this change in policy, a series of TSA airport signs are about to be released, with catchy slogans:
"Can't see London, can't see France - unless we see your underpants."
"Grope discounts available."
"If we did our job any better, we'd have to buy you dinner first."
"Don't worry - my hands are still warm from the last guy."
"Wanna fly? Drop your fly!"
"We are now free to move about your pants."
"We rub you the wrong way, so that you can be on your way."
"It's not a grope, it's a freedom pat."
"We handle more packages than the UPS."

----------


## davegugg

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed...

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed...

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed...

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the one with the biggest chest.

----------


## martindwilson

> married the one with the biggest chest



must be this one as i calculate she would need a 6x6x8 ft chest? NO?




> The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much

----------


## Alf

Go forth and multiply Noah said to the creatures as they disembarked. 

The snakes were worried. How can we multiply when we are adders? 

But the vise owl asked the beavers for help and the beavers made log tables. Thus making it possible for adders to multiply.

----------


## pike

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
  "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

----------


## pike

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.  They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".  What's my mother going to do?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are over 60,000 billions of stars, but check when you say the paint is     wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit - the target.

The future isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices.  Some see invisible people.  Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it than when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

----------


## NBVC

*** Thank You for Your Email

As we have finished the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational Emails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery! 

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. 

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. 

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. 

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. 

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom. 

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. 

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time. 

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and Google are sending me for participating in their special Email program. 

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. 

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. 

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. 

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. 

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an Email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. 

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. 

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. 

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. 

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life. 

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. 

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .. 

I no longer buy cookies from Girl Scouts since I now have their recipe. 

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. 

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a *** molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. 

If you don't send this Email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbours ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician. 

Oh, by the way..... 

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their Email with their hand on the mouse. 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. 

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by Email that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. 

Now you all have yourselves a very good day, and have a great New Year!

----------


## Mordred

That was great NBVC.

----------


## pike

Drunk Driving...THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

----------


## pike

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' 

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! 
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. 
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. 
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, 
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 

  'You got Male!

----------


## 6StringJazzer

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, where did I come from?"

The father figures it's finally the time he's dreaded, and launches into a detailed explanation of what happens when a mommy and daddy decide to have a baby, and everything else from conception to gestation to epidurals. At the end of it all the father looked exhausted but took pride in maintaining his composure and the quality of his explanation.

Then the boy looks at him and says, "That's funny, Bobby said _he_ came from Wisconsin."

----------


## teylyn

_funny dots inserted in some words to prevent the keyword scanner from replacing with ***_

"Daddy, what is s.e.x?", the boy asks his father.

The Father blushes, takes a deep breath. "_Here we go!_ --
"Uhmm, s.e.x is, well, when a man and a woman really like each other and they ...."

The explanation goes on for a few minutes, with the father quite uncomfortable. Finally, when everything has been explained, he exhales and looks at his son expectantly.

The boy is still puzzled.

"But what do I write in this registration form here? It says 'Name, date of birth, s.e.x'"

----------


## pike

Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her. 
When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. 

Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. 

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage." 

"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" 

Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." 

"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

----------


## zbor

A man and wife having S*X.. 
And she said: Ohh... Tell me dirty things...
He said: Windows, laundry, kitchen, floors...

----------


## Grimace

A man walks into a book store and sheepishly approaches the young lady working at the counter ... 

"Ummm excuse me miss ... I'm ... ummmm ... looking for a self help book ...... that's errrrrhhhhhh, dealing with men with ..... ummmmmmm ..... small "Packages".   :Frown: 

The staff member says " Ohhh, I don't think it is in yet"

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one, can I grab a copy !!!"

----------


## pike

Two Aussies flew to New Zealand on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Mountains for a week hunting Deer. 

They managed to bag six.  As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four Deer. 

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." 

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.  However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. 

Somehow, surrounded by the Deer bodies, Daveo and Johno survived the crash. 

After climbing out of the wreckage, Daveo asked Johno, "Any idea where we are?" 

Johno replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year

----------


## 6StringJazzer

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a  "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

 Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

 The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful  Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

 Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the  only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

 Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

 New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

 Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

----------


## bluerog

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question.... 

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married 
again?" 
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" 
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" 
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." 
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " 
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." 
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) 
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) 
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" 
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.." 
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" 
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" 
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" 
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." 
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" 
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." 
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" 
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." 
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? 
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." 
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? 
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." 
WIFE: -- deadly silence -- 
HUSBAND: "Poooooooop."

 And you know that's not what he said...

----------


## 6StringJazzer

A husband and wife are sitting in bed. The husband has a laptop in his lap, and the wife is dressed in a scanty negligee. The husband types away frantically alternating between multiple windows. The wife sidles up to him and starts running her fingers through his hair. The husband continues, utterly focused on the task at hand. The wife removes the negligee. The husband clicks ALT-F11, types feverishly, then hits F8 several times, hovering the mouse in various locations in between. The wife leans over him, glancing at the screen to see what he's doing.

"Who the hell is 6StringJazzer and what could you possibly be doing that is more interesting than having s/e/x with me? It's bad enough you play that damn guitar all the time."

 :Cool:

----------


## Blake 7

> "Who the hell is 6StringJazzer and what could you possibly be doing that is more interesting than having s/e/x with me? It's bad enough you play that damn guitar all the time."



made me smile........... :Smilie:

----------


## ConneXionLost

You may be living in Canada if:

    * Your local Dairy Queen (ice cream shop) is closed from September through May.
    * Someone in a Home Depot offers you assistance... and they don't work there.
    * You've worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
    * You've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number.
    * "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend.
    * You measure distance in hours.
    * You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
    * You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
    * You can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
    * You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.
    * You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
    * You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
    * The speed limit on the highway is 80 km and you're going 90 and everybody is passing you.
    * Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
    * You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
    * You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
    * You find 2 degrees "a little" chilly.
    * If you actually understand these Canadian jokes, you definitely live in Canada!  :Smilie:

----------


## pike

I got pulled over last night at midnight. The copper said " ....and where are you going?"
I said " I'm on my way to a lecture on the effects of drugs and alcohol on the human body."
The Cop said "Rubbish!..who gives lectures at this time of night!"
I said "The wife!"

----------


## NBVC

Telephone Rings....  **Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**


**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**


**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**


**After a brief pause,**


**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**


Brief Pause.


**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**'I did it, Daddy.'**


**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


**'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?'**


**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**


**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****



****Longer Pause*****



*****Even Longer Pause*****



**Then Daddy says,**


**'Swimming pool?  ............**


**Is this 486-5731?'*


**No, I think you have the wrong number.........*

----------


## pierre08

Hey guys,
here is some STUPID QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
>> >>>>
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
>> >>>>
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
>> >>>>
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
>> >>>>
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
>> >>>>
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
>> >>>>
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
>> >>>>
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
>> >>>>
WIFE :You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
>> >>>>
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
>> >>>>
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else?"
>> >>>>Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
>> >>>>
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
>> >>>>
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
>> >>>>
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?" 
>> >>>>
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
>> >>>>
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman". 
>> >>>>
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated". 
>> >>>>
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love". 
>> >>>>
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
>> >>>>
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
>> >>>>
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Enjoy.

----------


## pike

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove
up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass
window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still
shaking Driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the
daylights out of me.'

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so
badly.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely MY
fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab . .. . . . . . .  I've been 
driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

----------


## NBVC

I don't have an iPod or iPhone so I don't know how bad the autocorrect really is.. but I almost literally was ROFL'ing reading through the gems on this site:

http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/

----------


## protonLeah

No one ever laughs at _my_ jokes, they just look at me funny.

----------


## davegugg

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.  One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. 

It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, it was $96 so there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those jerks at the post office. Sincerely, Edna"

----------


## davegugg

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from London to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------


## davegugg

*Let's laugh at LeBron:*

-Did you know LeBron has been writing an autobiography for 8 years now? It's on hold because he can't come up with a Title! 

-I asked Lebron James for a dollar. He gave me .75 cents and I asked, "Where's the rest?" He answered, "I don't have a fourth quarter."

-LeBron will get a ring someday... If he gets married.

-Monday is National Lebron James Day.
Everyone gets to quit 12 minutes early.

-Apple is coming out with a new LeBron James iPhone.  It's only able to vibrate because it has no rings.

-Why does LeBron only get served boneless buffalo wings?
Because he has a tendency to choke!

-Maybe LeBron should try hockey. The NHL only has three periods.

----------


## zbor

Maybe quotes from Lord of the Ring will help.


Because... because that's what he is, Mr. Frodo. There's naught left in him but lies and deceit. It's the ring he wants; it's all he cares about.

----------


## darkyam

I'd rather start a team with LeBron's bathtub than with LeBron.  At least the bathtub has a ring.

----------


## TMS

Change of theme ...

A joke  ... but a little bit lost on the audience ;-)


Here is a quick lesson on things not to say to the Dalai Lama.

It comes at the expense of Australian "Today" show anchor Karl Stefanovic, who sat down recently with Tibetan guru during his ongoing tour of the continent down under. Cue awkwardness:

"The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop," said Stefanovic, face to face with the revered 75-year-old on adjacent sofas--there was a bit of a translation hiccup, but his holiness sorted out the meaning of "pizza shop" with the help of a nearby aide--"and says, 'Can you make me one with everything?' "

One with everything, as in "all the toppings," but also, as in "pure bliss," or "communion with the Universe." Get it? The Dalai Lama didn't. He just sort of squinted and and looked off to the side and asked: "What's that?"

But Stefanovic gave it another try, this time incorporating hand gestures: "Can you make me ONE ... with EVERYTHING?"

Strike two! But at least one of them was laughing--Stefanovic, at himself, for attempting such a bad joke with a world spiritual leader who speaks broken English.

"Oh I knew that wouldn't work," he said, bowing his head and covering his eyes in resignation.

So if you ever meet the Dalai Lama, probably best not to go the grade-school humor route. You can watch the cringe-inducing video above.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI...layer_embedded

It made me laugh ;-))

----------


## Domski

I bought my son an iPad and my daughter and iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook ,iClean network. This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped the iShag function.

Dom

----------


## darkyam

You might want to update your iDiot app.

----------


## davegugg

The Recession is really hitting everybody hard!

Yesterday I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. I saw a polygamist with only one wife. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her. A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

----------


## ron2k_1

> I bought my son an iPad and my daughter and iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook ,iClean network. This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped the iShag function.
> 
> Dom



I bet she hasn't given you any iFun since then...

----------


## ron2k_1

Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Dolly, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth, why did you do that?"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

----------


## ron2k_1

If you canÂt afford a doctor, go to an airport - youÂll get a free x-ray, a pat-down including breast exam.

And if you mention Al Queda, you get a colonoscopy.

And if you need a second opinion, just say that you want to change flights and you'll get a second colonoscopy.

----------


## ron2k_1

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

----------


## davegugg

An elderly couple was sitting on the porch.

The aging gent said, "During the last 50 years, whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How have you managed to control your temper all these years?"

His wife replied, "I just go and clean the toilet."

"How does that help?"

"I use your toothbrush."

----------


## Whizbang

> An elderly couple was sitting on the porch.
> 
> The aging gent said, "During the last 50 years, whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How have you managed to control your temper all these years?"
> 
> His wife replied, "I just go and clean the toilet."
> 
> "How does that help?"
> 
> "I use your toothbrush."



The joke's on her if they ever kissed.  Mmm... Toilet breath kisses.

----------


## 6StringJazzer

And don't ever **** off the hotel maid

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJTxb0k_wiE

Edit: Forgot about the censoring. Don't ever get her angry.

----------


## Whizbang

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).  It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent..

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: ItÂs logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, No! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: ItÂs not working. 
SL: Of course itÂs not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and IÂll go this way. He cannot follow us both.  

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.  Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then, Sister Logical arrived.

SM: Sister Logical!  Thank God you are here!  Tell me what happened!

SL:  The only logical thing happened. The man couldnÂt follow us both, so he followed me

SM:  Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL:  The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL:  IsnÂt it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

----------


## ConneXionLost

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up some jewellery to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you". Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

----------


## NBVC

The care the owners put towards the success of this Forum!

----------


## davegugg

*WIFE'S DIARY:* 
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

*HUSBAND'S DIARY:* 
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

----------


## Mordred

Hahaha, Dave, greate one and probably accurate.

----------


## Simon Lloyd

> The care the owners put towards the success of this Forum!



Haha! probably the best one liner yet!  :Smilie:

----------


## davegugg

Here are some "Universal Laws"

*Law of Mechanical Repair* - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to piddle.

*Law of Gravity* - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

*Law of Probability* -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

*Law of Random Numbers* - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

*Law of the Alibi* - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

*Variation Law* - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

*Law of Close Encounters* -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

*Law of the Result* - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

*The Coffee Law* - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

*Murphy's Law of Lockers* - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

*Law of Physical Surfaces* - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

*Law of Logical Argument* - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

*Brown's Law of Physical Appearance* - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

*Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy* - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

*Doctors' Law* - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

----------


## davegugg

"Get this," said one drinker to his friends at the bar, "Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a kick in the groin. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

----------


## zbor

*Things you don't want to hear during surgery*

Oops! 
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night.
I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn't say that...
What edition is your manual? 
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie 
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? 
Damn, there go the lights again... 
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em. 
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. 
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril.
The floor's clean, right? 
What do you mean he wasn't in for a s e x change!
What do you mean, he's not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? 
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? 
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice. 
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that? 
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving. 
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards? 
Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

----------


## Domski

Saw a chameleon this morning. So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty sh!t chameleon.

----------


## Domski

Steve Jobs resigns from Apple. Company shocked to the core.

----------


## Colin Legg

Will Apple crumble?

----------


## Mordred

No, Apple will always maintain a piece of the pie!

----------


## Domski

My girlfriend bet me that I couldn't make a car out of vermicelli. You should've seen her face as I drove pasta.

----------


## Mordred

> My girlfriend bet me that I couldn't make a car out of vermicelli. You should've seen her face as I drove pasta.



LoL, good one!

----------


## Domski

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

----------


## inayat

One guy goes to a chemist...
Guy: Please give me Poison
Chemist: I can not give it without a prescription
Guy: I am married
Chemist: (Getting Emotional)... Dude... please dont make me cry... Do u want a small bottle or a big one...

----------


## Domski

If Tetris has taught me anything it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

----------


## zbor

Banned for twisting Tetris point... 
D'oh, wrong topic...

Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2y_-vsHvPBE

----------


## inayat

Waiting on the Trooper's arrival after speeding over 100 miles per hour:
The Trooper walked up to the Lexus, looked at the old man, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, it's Friday and my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused........ Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

----------


## inayat

@zbor... awesome...

----------


## martindwilson

crime in multi-storey car parks is just wrong on so many levels

----------


## Domski

I am following the French Army on Twitter. Only because they are very likely to retweet.

----------


## RxMiller

At a wedding reception, the announcement was made: For our next toast, please stand by the person that has made all the difference in your life, who is always there for you, and who you can always depend on.
(or something like that...)

Needless to say, the bartender was instantlly crushed to death.

----------


## davegugg

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."  The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. 

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that...you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

----------


## davegugg

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

----------


## Domski

I had a dizzy spell at work today. I used it on my boss and she fell down the stairs.

Dom

----------


## zbor

Weather is disastrous... Raining fifth day now... My wife is totaly depresed. 
Just standing and staring through the window.

If rain don't stop in next few days I'll have to let her in the house.

----------


## NBVC

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"


The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."


Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."


His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"


Kid says, "One."


The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"


Kid says, "$101,237.64."


Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold this guy a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him boat and truck?"


Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.Â "

----------


## davegugg

This simple site parodies various government warning signs relating to terrorist activities.

----------


## abousetta

They should lose the one on Michael Jackson... it isn't really right to make fun of dead people.

----------


## Mordred

> They should lose the one on Michael Jackson... it isn't really right to make fun of dead people.



Depending on perception and context it can be alright!  Besides, he definitely wasn't "all there"!

----------


## ConneXionLost

For our American friends:

*Rick and the robot*

A man walked into a very high-tech bar.  As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.  The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"  The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...
The man was most impressed.  He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack.  He returned and took a seat.  Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please."
Again it was superb.  The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100".  So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time.  So he left, returned and took a stool... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"  This time the man drawled out "Uh...... 'bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e...
y-o-u-r...
p-e-o-p-l-e...
r-e-a-l-l-y
g-o-i-n-g...
t-o...
n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e...
R-i-c-k... P-e-r-r-y?

----------


## abousetta

Mordred, I agree, but its better not to speak ill of the dead. I remember one of the late-night comedy shows had the Reverand (somebody, can't remember the name) and they were talking about Michael Jackson soon after his dead. The comedian was trying to crack jokes about Michael's life and past quirky experiences, but the Reverand was not at all amuzed. He sort of shrugged it off. Also I didn't hear any laughs from the audience. Had Michael been alive, I'm sure it would have been a totally different environment.

----------


## shg

abousetta, I don't disagree, but expect that your feelings spring as much from cultural differences as anything else. Joking about dead people by westerners distances us from recognition of our own own mortality, which we prefer not to dwell on. For people who don't live in Texas, and will never live if Texas, the fear is especially acute that they have lived a life without meaning.

----------


## Domski

Really??? No desire to myself in the slightest.

----------


## abousetta

shg I agree that cultural differences may play a part but even in the US you don't see hear any more jokes directed  toward Michael Jackson. Before they were nonstop day in and day out.

----------


## shg

Only because it's old news, ab. Jokes when he was alive were endemic, and after he died, differed only in being darker. Americans are largely iconoclasts by nature, and MJ was the ultimate icon to clast.

Domski is in denial about Texas. Most of us are pretty certain God is from the Pecos, which doesn't bode well for people from the UK. We assume He does Excel which, gives dll, Colin, and a few others a shot at a pleasant eternity.

----------


## teylyn

According to this



it might be wise to stay away from Waco, though  :Smilie:

----------


## Blake 7

I've got a joke --- Englands first half performance against Scotland. I've got a tenner on ashton to score a hatrick @ 33/1 seemed like a good idea YESTERDAY!

----------


## zbor

About Texas:
1.. Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air
2.. Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep"
3.. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.
4.. There are 10,000 types of spiders. 10,001 live in Texas.
5.. Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
6.. Racoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
7.. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
8.. Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
9.. You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.
10.. A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

Texas has 5 seasons:

a.. Spring, Feb 16 to April 15
b.. Summer, April 16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
c.. Super Summer, July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees)
d.. Summer, Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
e.. Fall, Oct 2 to Dec. 1
f.. Winter Dec. 2 to Feb 15

More about Texas:
1.. The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until July 15, then it stops totally.
2.. Onced and Twiced are words
3.. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
4.. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
5.. Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.
6.. Coldbeer is one word.
7.. People actually grow and eat Okra.
8.. Texans really don't have an accent.
9.. When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.
10.. Green grass DOES burn.
11.. When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
12.. The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks.
13.. When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor.
14.. Fixinto is one word.
15.. A tank is a hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation.
16.. Backards and Forards means I know everything about you.
17.. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
18.. And the most important thing......There's no place I'd rather be than in Texas!

----------


## Domski

Aren't Texans just Mexicans that can swim?  :Wink:

----------


## zbor

10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johhny Cash.
Now we have No jobs, No hope and No cash.

----------


## davegugg

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried being a tailor, but wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, tried being a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
Later, I attempted being a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was a musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

----------


## 6StringJazzer

Yeah, I can relate. I used to work on spreadsheets but my boss said I just didn't excel.

----------


## NBVC

*** Halloween



A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. 



A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: 



Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. 



Very truly yours, 

Acme Costume Co. 



The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: 



Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and with your bald head, you should really look the part. 



Very truly yours, 

Acme Costume Co. 



Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint. 



The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads: 



Dear Sir, We have tried our very best. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.  Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up you’re a*s and go as a caramel apple.



Very truly yours, 

Acme Costume Co.

----------


## Andrew-R

Doris is sick of her husband, Fred, going out drinking with his mates every night and, one Halloween she has a plan to make him change his ways.

She knows that he always takes a short-cut home through the cemetery, so she hires the scariest devil costume she can find and lies in wait for him behind a gravestone, clutching a firework.

Shortly before midnight she hears Fred's voice echoing through the graveyard, raised in drunken song.  She lights the firework and leaps out onto the path in front of him, accompanied by the smoke and bang of the cracker.

"Fred," she says, "I am the devil, come to claim your soul, unless you repent your wicked ways".

Fred steps forward and stretches his arm out for a handshake, "Pleased to meet you, mate.  I married your sister".

----------


## davegugg

With this Halloween pun, I'd like to stress that I don't make these up, I just pass them along:

An old man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears, "Bump....BUMP...BUMP...."

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. "BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him, 
FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping, "Clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP..."

On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.  His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and, the coffin stops.

----------


## TMS

@Dave ... don't apologise, just don't post them ... the coffin stops, good grief  :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

----------


## Domski

Is it wrong to give negative rep for bad jokes?  :Wink: 

Dom

----------


## davegugg

Hey, I know it's corny, but it certainly isn't the worst one on this thread. 
 :EEK!:

----------


## Whizbang

Why did the ghost cross the road?

...


To get to The Other Side.

----------


## Domski

On my recent trip to France the cheese factory we were visiting collapsed. We were stuck under de Brie for hours.

Dom

----------


## davegugg

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"The first," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came into the office today."

----------


## davegugg

Betty and Barney have a dog named Tuffy that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, Betty goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells Betty to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. She tosses and turns unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, Betty goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough the dog stops snoring. Betty is amazed!
Later that night, Barney returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
Betty thinks maybe a ribbon will work on him, so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's.
Amazingly, it also works on him! Betty sleeps soundly.
A few hours later Barney awakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to Tuffy's.
He shakes his head and looks at Tuffy and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got First and Second place!"

----------


## davegugg

(Someone forwarded this letter along. I will let you decide if it is factual or not.)
The following letter was sent today by Bank of America to all of its debit card customers: 
Dear Valued Customer: 
As most of you probably know by now, last month we instituted a $5 monthly fee for all of our debit card users.  To say that what followed this decision was a nightmare would be a massive understatement.
Considering that just three years earlier taxpayers had bailed us out with billions of their hard-earned dollars, it's understandable that Bank of America was compared to a person who, as he is pulled from a burning building, turns and kicks the fireman in the crotch.
That's why we are writing to you today with a simple message: "Our bad."  And to tell you that we are refunding the $5 to you, effective immediately.  All you have to do is pay a simple, one-time $10 refund fee.
You can receive your refund online, or pick it up at your nearest Bank of America branch, where a teller will hand the money directly to you for a simple, one-time $15 handling fee.
If you do visit your branch, feel free to use any of our services, including our state of the art ballpoint pens and deposit slips.  (Prices on request.)
Again, accept our apologies for instituting the debit card fee.  We have learned our lesson, and we make this solemn promise: next time we squeeze money from you, we'll do it in a way you won't notice.
Sincerely, Bank of America

----------


## pike

AN kiwi GHOST STORY


John Bradford, a Christchurch University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. 

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. 


John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. 

The car started moving slowly.. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. 



Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, 
So, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet 
And out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. 


A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was 
Crying... And wasn't drunk. 


Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... 




Look Bro....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

----------


## Andrew-R

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Bernadette, are out in their car when, suddenly, the devil himself lands on the front of the car and leers at them through the windscreen.

"Quick, Sister Mary!" yells Sister Bernadette, "Show him your cross!"

So Sister Mary leans out of the window and yells, "Get off the ******* bonnet, you ******!"

----------


## zbor

http://images.piccsy.com/cache/image...56-500-608.jpg

----------


## davegugg

We always hear about problems with third world countries. What about problems in first world countries?
"My hand is too fat to shove into the Pringles container so I have to tilt it."
"I didn't have a lousy childhood, so I can't turn my pain into art."
"I had too much food for lunch and now I'm tired."
"I forgot to bring my phone with me to the bathroom and I was bored the whole time."
"I'm kind of hungry, but my roommate has guests over so if I go into the kitchen I'll have to introduce myself."
"My laptop battery is low, but the charger is way over there."
"The Domino Pizza Tracker app is not working, so I don't know when to put my pants on."
"I can't hear the TV while I'm eating crunchy snacks."
"I'm trying to text while at a red light, but I keep making all the greens."
"My GPS made me drive through the ghetto."
"I have to find my own girlfriend because my culture doesn't practice arranged marriages."

----------


## davegugg

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." 
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the rump of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

----------


## GeneralDisarray

A bear and a rabbit are both taking a poop in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "excuse me, do you have the problem of poop sticking to your fur?"

"why no" answer the rabbit "can't say that i do"

So the bear wipes his a$$ with the rabbit.

----------


## pike

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, 
  a passing soldier assures her that he can help. 

   She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into 
  a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically, it opens. 

   "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" 

    "Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis.

----------


## darkyam

^That one's pretty painful, pike.

----------


## pike

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. 

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. 

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk." 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

----------


## 6StringJazzer

> "These are my khakis.



Was he from Boston?

----------


## NBVC

*** The Conductor I



A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve. 



Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer...which must be why you play the drums."



A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."





*** The Conductor II



There was once this second-rate orchestra led by a second-rate director.  In the orchestra was this guy on the cymbals who never banged them at the right time. So the conductor said, "If you don't get it right this time I'll kill you." 



When the time came for the percussionist to get it right, he didn't. And so the director pulled out a gun and shot him dead. 



Of course, the police came and arrested him and eventually the conductor ended up on death row. The day came when he was sent to the electric chair. As the crowd watched, the executioner flipped the switch, but nothing happened. Everyone wondered what when wrong.



But the director knew. Saddened by all that had taken place, he said, "I never was a very good conductor!" 





*** The Conductor III



The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, the bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. 



The concert progressed with the conductor growing more disturbed as the bass entrance approaches and there were no bassists on stage. At the last moment the tipsy string players stumble on stage and knock down the conductor's music stand, sending the score flying into the audience.



As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the Ninth, no score and the basses were loaded.

----------


## darkyam

I like that third one.

----------


## NBVC

* Places I Have Been*


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.  You have to be in Cahoots with someone.


I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.


I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and mostly work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.


I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.


I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.


One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!


And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!


I have been in Deepsh*t many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

----------


## Domski

Some bird with really long legs keeps following me around. I think I'm being storked!

----------


## darkyam

One day, a long, long time ago, there lived a woman who didn't whine or nag or manipulate...but as I said, that was a long, long time ago, and only for one day.

----------


## TMS

@darkyam: you telling jokes or just reminiscing?  :Cool:

----------


## darkyam

Hahahaha!  I'm a little too young to be reminiscing like that...and also too young to have found a woman like that.  :Wink:

----------


## zbor

Then I guess I'm a lucky man. Because I alwazs have last word in my house ("Yes, dear").

----------


## pike

Yes dear  two words every happliy married man knows

----------


## darkyam

Reminds me of this one:
A man comes into work one morning and it comes out in conversation that he had a fight with his wife the night before.  "But," he added proudly, "I'll have you know that the fight ended with her crawling to me on her hands and knees."  His male colleagues are in awe and then one asks, "Really?  What did she say?"

"She said, 'Get out from under that bed, you coward!'"

----------


## Kyle123

haha reminds me of this one:

A reporter went to heaven and saw two long lines. Over one line was a sign which read "For Men Who Were Dominated By Their Wives." The other line had a sign over the doorway which read, "For Men Who Dominated Their Wives," but there was only one man in that line.

Being a reporter, he went up to the man all by himself and said, "Sir, could you tell me why you're the only man in this line for "Men Who Dominated Their Wives?"

"Sure," the other man responded, "my wife told me to stand here."

----------


## davegugg

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

----------


## Mordred

As I was told at my wedding (when I graciously married my wife  :Smilie: ), I wear the pants in the house ----- but my wife always picks them!

----------


## davegugg

Adding the word "up" to the end of that sentence would bring an entire different meaning to that saying.

----------


## Mordred

Yes it would Dave, it would also lead to the doghouse which at times is a nice place to visit (I'm just sayin).

----------


## vlady

WIFE: I told you ....DON'T BRING YOUR JOB HOME!!!!!!.
Husband: Sorry hon Christmas is coming, I have to work harder.
Wife:Oh!!!! Your the only mortician I know that brings home his job.

----------


## zbor

occasional

----------


## ConneXionLost

A Warning: Careful with that holiday cheer...

I would like to share an experience with you all; it’s about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some folks have been known to have brushes with the authorities on their way home from the odd social occasion over the years.  You may know one of these folks, or you might even be one of them.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few pre-Christmas drinks with some friends; I’m afraid I had a few too many glasses of wine, along with some rather nice claret.  Strongly suspecting that I could have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before: I took a bus home!

It was actually a fine ride.  I’ll admit, though, it was a relief to arrive home safely and without incident.  It was the first time I’d ever driven a bus - and I’m still not sure where I got that one.

----------


## ConneXionLost

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________ 


My wife and I were watching who "Wants to Be a Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s*x?'

"No," she answered. I then said, 

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply repeating, "No."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________ 


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...


_______________________________ 


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________ 


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... something always more important to me.  Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute.

When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


______________________________ 


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________ 


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.  The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's when the fight started...


_______________________________ 


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that's when the fight started...


______________________________ 


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt".

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________ 


My wife, having removed all her clothing, was looking at herself in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________ 


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... something always more important to me.  Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute.

When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


________________________________ 


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

And that's when the fight started.


________________________________ 


Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

----------


## teylyn

We had an office Christmas party the other day, and pulled Christmas crackers. The joke slips were -- well -- not really all that crackling, but my 8-yr old is really into that kind of thing, so I collected the paper slips with the jokes and took them home for his enjoyment. It was fun to see him go through the slips and cackle. His favourite three were:

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? -- In case he got a hole in one.

What do you call a crate of ducks? -- A box of quackers.

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? -- Lost.

Isn't it great to be eight years old?

----------


## JO505

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. 


(scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love s*x.

The second floor has wives that love s*x and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

----------


## pike

King Arthur and the Witch: 

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. 

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. 

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. 

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. 

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. 

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. 

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! 

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. 

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur 

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. 

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: 

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. 

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. 

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. 

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened 

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. 

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? 

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? 

What would YOU do? 

What Lancelot chose is below.  

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. 

OKAY? 








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. 

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. 

Now....what is the moral to this story?




The moral is.....  
If you don't let a woman have her own way.... 
Things are going to get ugly

----------


## pike

A man  was* walking down the street when he was accosted by a  particularly dirty* and shabby-looking homeless man who asked  him for a couple of* dollars for dinner.

The man took  out his wallet, extracted* ten dollars and asked, "If I give  you this money, will you buy some* beer with it instead of  dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking* years ago," the  homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go* fishing  instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't*  waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all  my* time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on  green* fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man  asked.

"Are* you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I  haven't played golf in 20* years!"

"Will you spend the  money on a woman in the red light* district instead of food?"  the man asked.

"What disease would* I get for ten lousy  bucks?" exclaimed the homeless* man.

"Well," said the  man, "I'm not going to give you the* money. Instead, I'm going  to take you home for a terrific dinner* cooked by my  wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't* your wife  be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I*  probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied,  "That's* okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks  like after he* has given up beer, fishing, golf and*  ***."

----------


## vlady

lol!!  
can you give me a bottle plleeaaaassssssseeeeee.
Cheers.

----------


## arlu1201

A guy stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip - three pennies.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

----------


## Paul

I don't get it.   ::shrug::

----------


## shg

With about half the children in the world born to single mothers, the concept and opprobrium of being a ba$tard has kind of fallen by the wayside.

----------


## Paul

Opprobium.. nice one.  Word of the day on your tissue paper roll?   :Smilie:

----------


## TMS

I've got sudoku puzzles on my toilet roll ...

----------


## OnErrorGoto0

It depends somewhat on in which part of the world you are.

----------


## TMS

Why ... Don't you have sudoku where you live?

----------


## OnErrorGoto0

:Smilie: 
I was referring to shg's comment. Though it may indeed be frowned upon in Japan to use sudoku in that way.

----------


## shg

Japan is the shining exception; 2%. Iceland, 66%.

----------


## Mordred

I've never understood the use of printed tissue paper!  Given that terms and words will vary depending on demographics, I understand tissue paper to be what you would blow your nose with.  That being said, what is the point of having something printed (like sudoku) just to blow out your gingly greens!  Don't even get me started on toilet paper!  :Wink:

----------


## TMS

Just a natural extension of recycling. And the paper in the sudoku books is too stiff ... to blow your nose on, or whatever. And it doesn't flush very easily either ... or so I believe ...

----------


## Mordred

> Just a natural extension of recycling. And the paper in the sudoku books is too stiff ... to blow your nose on, or whatever. And it doesn't flush very easily either ... or so I believe ...



I'm curious, do you ever complete the Sudoku problems before you use the tissue paper?  If so, don't you get ink on your face (and bum)?  <--Too far perhaps?  :Wink:

----------


## TMS

Pretty much depends on how difficult the puzzle and how much time I've got.

Anyway, if you use a biro it's not that likely to smudge ...

(I think we're running the risk of becoming extremely distasteful)

----------


## Mordred

So many questions about this to ask but I definitely do not want to become distasteful doing it.  LoL, oh well, I'll just have to make guesses or iterate through some tests on my own (nope, not going to do it).

----------


## tigeravatar

https://www.google.com/search?q=sudo...w&ved=0CFcQrQQ

----------


## Mordred

Holy catch a cow, one roll for $20!!

----------


## TMS

@ta: the very thing!

----------


## pike

Yes remember we have a lot of young members visiting the site.

----------


## teylyn

pike, you mean there's a market for sudoku bog rolls for kids?

----------


## OnErrorGoto0

Pudoku perhaps.

----------


## teylyn

Nice one, R!

----------


## TMS

@teylyn: 



> there's a market for sudoku bog rolls for kids?



If my kids were anything to go by, I'm pretty sure there is.

----------


## pike

Pudoku or fart will keep them Giggling for days

----------


## teylyn

Any bog roll prints in my household with pre-teen boys would have to say:

- Sit down! (Doing it standing up is only cool in the woods.)
- Flush! (The other members of your family have a sense of smell!!)

Elaborating any more would be too much information.

----------


## Alf

Reading the last 6 - 8 post I do think we need a "Master of the Rolls" if this goes on.

Alf

----------


## ConneXionLost

Other People's Code

----------


## arlu1201

Nice one...CL...

----------


## pike

Thank Lord Krishna the joke thread is still working!!!

----------


## zbor

No comment

----------


## tigeravatar

Famous Cells and Ranges
A1 The steak sauce cell 
IM21 The legal drinking age cell 
K9 The dog cell 
AK47 The assault weapon cell 
IV2 The second intravenous solution cell 
B9 The malignant cell 
HI5 The alternate handshake cell 
AH:HA The discovery range 
F16 The fighter jet cell 
AM:FM The radio range 
ET2 The Brute' cell 
AW42 The root beer for two cell 
BU:BU The erroneous range 
BY:BY The farewell range 
IC2 The double-vision cell 
IQ100 The average intelligence cell 
HO:HO The Santa Claus range 
GO2 The destination cell 
FU2 The same to you cell 
EX2 The second former spouse cell 
CU8 The oil-rich country cell 
BU10 The shirt fastener cell 
BC49:BD1 The '96 Presidential Election results range 
AG1:GB1 The '00 disputed Florida vote range 
T42 The old soft-shoe cell 
U2 The Irish rock group cell 
BI123 The Lotus marketing slogan cell 
C4 The explosive cell 
V8 The vegetable juice cell 
R2:D2 The android range 
I1:U1 The tied game cell 
AP:ES The Simian range 
H8:U2 The ex-wife range 
IN2:CA9 The dog-lover range 
AC:DC The electric range 
D84:U2 The double date range 
I812 The Monica Lewinsky meets Linda Lovelace cell 
I12:CU2 The "when can we meet" cell 

(From http://j-walk.com/ss/jokes/famous.htm)

----------


## Mordred

This link  :Wink:

----------


## Domski

Excel Forum at the moment.

I thank you, I'm here all week waka waka!

----------


## zbor

Small school of Croatian language.... 

If you would use Google translator for: Women are women and women should drive a car (on Croatian: zene su zene i zene bi trebale voziti auto) you will get:
Women are women and women should not drive a car.

Also, if you use: Men are men and men should clean the house (on Croatian: mukarci su mukarci i mukarci bi trebali ocistiti kucu) (hint:  = sh in english)

result is: men are men and women should clean the house

Don't we have a great language  :Smilie:

----------


## Mordred

> FU2 The same to you cell



Haha, I finally can see this page and this is what I get to read  :Smilie:

----------


## masond3

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a *****!"

----------


## TMS

Sadly (?), the last joke lost something in translation (in the censorship mill). I suspect that I get the drift though  :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

----------


## Domski

The pen is mightier than the sword  :Wink: 

Dom

----------


## masond3

There was a Scotsman an Englishman and an Irishman all sitting on a tea - break on a building site the Englishman pipe's up if my wife put's Cheese on my sandwich's again Iam going to kill myself and the Scotsman say's if my wife put's Egg on my sandwich's again I will kill myself and the Irishman say's if I find Gammon on my sandwich's again I will kill myself so sure enough the next day all three open up there lunch boxes and find the sandwich's are all full of Cheese ,Egg and Gammon once again so they all go off to different part's of the site and kill themselve's later in the week all three men are being buried and the englishman's wife say's if he diddn't want cheese on his sandwich's he should have told me and this wouldn't have happened then the Scotsman's wife come's away with the same statement concerning the Egg sandwich's then the Irishman's wife pipe's up I can't understand this, Paddy make's his own sandwich's.

----------


## teylyn

mason, here are a few full stops and commas:

........
,,,,,,

Maybe you can use them in your next post. 

Also, some words and word forms end with the letter "s" and do not need an apostrophe; notably, the third person singular verb forms (she puts, he pipes up, he says, he makes) and plural forms (sandwiches, parts, themselves). 

Not everybody would have gotten "the Englishman's wife" correct, so congratulations on that.

----------


## martindwilson

@tiger i worked on a phone system once where the hex display for a fault was F0,that just about said everything

----------


## darkyam

I think we could all use a good laugh right now...those of us still here anyway.  The following are taken from real courtroom transcripts:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

_____

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

_____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

______

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

_____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

_____

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

_____

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

----------


## pike

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.





      When chemists die, they barium.





      Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.





      I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop
	any time.





      How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.





      I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on
      me.





      This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
      never met herbivore.





      I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.





      I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.





      They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.





      PMS jokes aren't funny; period.





      Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.





      We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope
	there's no pop quiz.





      I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.





      I heard about a cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
      couldn't control her pupils?





      When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.





      Broken pencils are pointless.





      I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.





      Is a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary called a thesaurus?





      England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.





      I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.





      I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.





      All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.
	The police have nothing to go on.





      I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.





      Velcro - what a *** off!





      A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy





      Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

----------


## s.murphy

A: Why are you late?
B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
B: No, I was standing on it.

----------


## pike

Singers of the 60's are  revising their hits with new lyrics  to accommodate us aging baby-boomers .... 






New  Releases Include: 

Herman's  Hermits  ---
Mrs. Brown,  You've Got A  Lovely Walker




Ringo Starr  --- 
I Get By With A Little  Help From Depends 





The  BeeGees --  -
How Can You Mend  A Broken Hip?  



Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face  



Johnny Nash  ---
I CAN'T   See Clearly Now.  




Paul Simon---  
Fifty Ways To Lose Your  Liver  




The Commodores  ---  
Once, Twice, 3 Times  To The Bathroom  




Procol Harum---  
A Whiter Shade  Of  Hair   





Leo Sayer  ---
You Make Me Feel Like  Napping  




The Temptations  ---  
Papa's Got A Kidney  Stone 



Abba---
Denture  Queen    




Helen Reddy  ---
I Am Woman,  Hear Me Snore  



Lesley Gore---
It's My Hormones & I'll Cry If I Want To  



And Last  but NOT least... 

Willie Nelson  ---  
On the Commode  Again

----------


## NBVC

Not really a joke, but funny how stupid some people are....


http://ca.news.yahoo.com/blogs/sides...132717697.html

----------


## pike

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

*

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old, Hateful little *******. Bites!

___________________________________________

*

*FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbors dog.

________________________________________________

*

*FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

_______________________________________________________

*

*COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.**

*Also 1 gay bull for sale.

________________________________________________________

*

*JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

_____________________________________________________________

*

*WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

----------


## Crockettbu

A guy walks into a bar...and says "Ouch!"

----------


## judgeh59

2 musicians walk by bar.....hey, it could happen!

Yes, I'm also a musician....

----------


## davegugg

From the great Brian Regan:
Did you that if you were to second guess your decision to book time to visit a Native American community, that would be a Reservation reservation reservation.

----------


## xladept

If you like your......he droned.

----------


## FDibbins

Turning into a vegetarian is a mis-steak

----------


## Whizbang

If you dress up as a cowboy, are you ranch dressing?

----------


## DarthVader68

Hi
=================================================
" Which would you rather be in - an explosion or a collision?"
" In a collision, anytime."
" Why?"
" Well, in a collision, there you are. In an explosion, where are you?"
=================================================

=================================================
How long a minute is? Depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
=================================================

=================================================
Sixty-day warranty guarantees that the products will self-destruct on the sixty-first day.
=================================================

=================================================
I had a terrible dream last night I dreamed I was awake all night.
=================================================

=================================================
The patient said to the psychiatrist, " I'm so unhappy. Nobody takes me seriously."
The psychiatrist said, " No kidding?"
=================================================

=================================================
A man called the coat firm of krupnik, krupnik, krupnik, and krupnik. He asked for Mr. krupnik. The voice at the receiving end said, " He's not in."
" All right, Let me talk to Mr. krupnik."
" He's not in."
" I'll talk to Mr. krupnik, then."
" He's not here."
" How about Mr. krupnik?"
" Speaking!"
=================================================

=================================================
Do you want to drive somebody crazy? Send him a telegram saying, "Disregard the first telegram."
=================================================

=====================================
Passenger: Please don't drive so fast. You frighten me taking curves like that!
Driver: Just close your eyes, like I do

=====================================
A boy wrote this letter home from camp:
Dear Mom and Dad:
Gue$$ what I need? Plea$se $end $ome $oon.
Be$t Wi$he$,
Your $on $ammy.

His parents wrote back:
Dear Sammy:
NOthing much is happening here. Please write aNOther letter
soon. Bye for NOw.
Love,
Mom and Dad

=====================================
He: I'm giving you these sweets because you're the sweetest thing in the world.
She: Thanks--I got you these nuts!

=====================================
We have a really great watch dog. Last week he watched the garage burn down, then he watched somebody steal our car, then he watched...

=====================================
Teacher: Does anyone know what illegal means?
Tony: I can, it means a sick bird

=====================================
Once upon a time this lion ate a bull and he felt so good that he roared and roared. This hunter heard him and killed him with one shot.
Moral: When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

=====================================
Once upon a barren moor
There dwelt a bear, also a boar.
The bear could not bear the boar,
The boar thought the bear a bore.
At last the bear could bear no more
That boar that bored him on the moor.
And so one morn he bored the boar --
That boar will bore the bear no more!

=====================================
"Don't touch that box!" said the zookeeper to the curious
little boy. "I've got a twenty-foot snake in there."
The kid frowned. "Don't give me that baloney! Everyone knows
that snakes don't have feet

=====================================
The father lion said, "Son, what are you doing?"
"Chasing a hunter, Dad!"
"Well, stop it now! I've told you time and time again not
to play with your food!"

=====================================

=========================================
The longest word in the English language is the one that
comes after, "Now a word from our sponsor."
=========================================
Customer (in drug store)--"A mustard plaster."
Drug Clerk (force of habit)--"We,ve run out of mustard; how
about mayonnaise?"
=========================================
The bride said, " My little plum."
The groom said," My little peach."
The minister said, " I now pronounce you fruit salad!"
=========================================
A child came home from school in tears, explaining, " The kids say I look like a monkey."
" Forget it , " his mother said." Now eat your banana and go upstairs and comb your face!"
=========================================
We've just come up with a new anti- anti-anti-anti-missile. It has one drawback-it keeps shooting itself down.
=========================================
I know a garbage man who couldn't hold a wife. He kept bringing his work home.
=========================================
A doctor walked into the sleeping patient's room. The nurse asked. " What are we operating for?"
The doctor said, " two thousand dollars."
" You don't understand. I mean, what does he have?"
" I told you. two thousand dollars!"
=========================================
" Where have you been?"
" I moved."
" Where?"
" To a new place."
" Where's the new place?"
" Across the street from the old place."
" Where's the old place?"
" Across the street."
" From where?"
" The new place."
" Forget it!"
=========================================
Draftee: My name's Wright and you spelled it wrong twice. Two wrongs don't make it right.
company clerk: That's right.
draftee: But it's wrong.
clerk: If it's wrong, it can't be right.
draftee: you don't understand. My name's Wright.
clerk: How do you write it, Wright?
draftee: That's not right.
clerk: Then you don't write it Wright?
draftee: Right.
clerk: Next!
=========================================
He has the kind of car he shouldn't stop.
the minute he does, people think it's an accident!
=========================================
A funeral procession was winding its way down the main street of the town. A stranger asked the man next to him, " Whose funeral is it?"
The man answered, " The guy in the first car."
=========================================
" Do you drink coffee?"
" Every day."
" Doctors say it's a slow poison."
" It must be. I'm eighty-five!"
=========================================
" What's the matter with your brother?"
" He lost his wife and he's going crazy."
" Is he going to get married again?"
" No, he's not that crazy!"
=========================================
I know somebody who had a job testing sleeping pills. they fired him because he fell awake on the job!
=========================================
On a busy street, a man jumps into a cab and says, " Follow the car in front of you."
" I have to ," says the cabbie . " He's towing us!"
=========================================
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, " What's on the TV?"
I said, " Dust!"
=========================================
Talk about an absentminded man- yesterday he cut his finger and forgot to bleed!
=========================================
There was an absentminded professor who saw a sign on his door that said, " Back in thirty minutes. " So he sat down to wait.
=========================================
Recently a woman went through three red lights in a row. They were on the truck in front of her!
=========================================
" I almost got killed twice today."
" Once would have been enough!"
=========================================
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, " Did you miss a step?"
" No," he answers, " I hit every one of them!"
=========================================
" What," the judge asked the defendant,
" were you doing when the police came?"
" Waiting , sir."
" For what?"
" For money."
" Who was supposed to give you money?"
" The man I'd been waiting for."
" What did he have to give it to you for?"
" For waiting "
" Enough of this garbage! What do you do for living ?"
" I am a waiter."
=========================================
A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the
doorway. They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't
budge. " Forget it ," the man finally said. " We'll never get this in."
The neighbor looked at him quizzically and said, " In?"
=========================================
An old man came into an office and asked the manager, " Can I see Eddie Carson? I'm his grandfather."
The manager said, " He's not here. He's at your funeral!"
=========================================
Conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
=========================================
Insurance covers everything except what happen.
=========================================
There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.
=========================================
A priest was walking down a street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try
to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster.
" And now what, my little man?" he asked.
" Now," said the boy, " run like hell."
=========================================
The first bug to hill a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
=========================================
The ship was sinking the captain called the passengers and crew and asked, " Is there any body who can really prey?"
One passenger said " I prey all the time."
Captain " Good terrific because we're short of one life preserver."
=========================================
A man went to his doctor who gave him six months to live, the man was unable to pay the bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
=========================================
A Japanese company and an American company had a boat race, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans hired analysts to figure out what went wrong. They reported that the Japanese had one person managing and seven rowing, While the Americans had seven managing and only one rowing. The American company immediately restructured its team. Now they had one senior manager , six management consultants and one rower. In the rematch the Japanese won by two miles. So the Americans company fired the rower.
=========================================
" I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client. " First, the bad news , The blood test came back , and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
" Oh, no!" cried the client. " What is the good news?"
" Your cholesterol is down to 140."
=========================================
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss:" I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
" That's fine," roared the boss, " But where were you Monday and Tuesday?'
=========================================

He complained to a psychologist, "I can't remember many
things, I always keep forgetting things. What shall I do?" The
psychologist answered, "Pay me in advance!"
======================================================
He has three pairs of eyeglasses: one for near-sightedness,
one for far-sightedness, and a third reserved to look for the other
two
======================================================
A young mother requested her husband to take their
two-year-old baby for a walk. The husband was busy with a project,
but with a deep sigh (to let his wife know he was reluctant), he
got the baby carriage and started walking around the block in the
hot sun.
"Honey," called the his wife from the second-story window.
"Leave me alone!" he shouted back. "We're fine."
After an hour his wife once again shouted, "Honey."
"Well, what is it this time?" he answered in a gruff way.
"Is there any problem in the house?"
"Nothing, honey," replied his wife. "But you've been
wheeling little Suzie's doll the whole afternoon. Don't you think
it's time for the baby to have a turn
======================================================
TEACHER (on phone): You say Kenny has a fever and can't come to school? To whom am I speaking
VOICE: This is my father
======================================================
BOSS: What does this mean? Someone just called up and said you were sick and couldn't come to work today?
ERRING EMPLOYEE: Ha, Ha! The joke's on him, Boss. He was supposed to call tomorrow
======================================================
TEACHER: You missed school yesterday, didn't you Rod?
ROD: Not very much, Ma'am.
======================================================
What do you call it when the earth goes backwards?
Revearth.
======================================================
An enterprising executive put up a sign saying DO IT NOW! The next day, the cashier absconded with the contents of the safe, the secretary ran off with the boss's son, the office boy urinated in the coffee machine, and the rest of the staff went to a bail game!
======================================================
What is NBC?
A dumb way to start the alphabet
======================================================
"I know there are people in the world who do not love their
fellow human beings and I hate people like that!"
======================================================
What is the difference between a sick sailor and a blind man?
One can't go to sea; the other can't see to go.
======================================================
MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the boy who sits next to me was.
===============================================

ZAX

----------


## DarthVader68

======================================================
One friend told another, "If you want to make a small fortune, look up my accountant."
The other man said, "He's that good?"
The man said, "No, but there's a cash reward for his arrest and conviction."
======================================================
Fred came running up to the hunting campsite, breathless. "Harry," he said panting, "are all the guys out of the woods yet?"
"Yes," Harry said.
"All six of them?"
"Right."
"And everybody's safe?"
"Yes," Harry said.
"In that case," Fred said proudly, "I've just shot a deer!"
======================================================
Q. Four men fell into the water, but only three of them got their hair wet. Why?
A. One of them was bald.
======================================================
Ann: I bumped into Fran a while ago.
Nan: Oh, was she happy to see you?
Ann: Not quite--we were both in our cars at the time
======================================================
When a schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach, his mom said, "Well, sit down and drink your tea. Your stomach hurts because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."
Afterward Dad came home from the office, complaining of a headache.
"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."
======================================================
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher
======================================================
What's the difference between a teacher and a train
engineer?
One trains the mind, the other minds the train
======================================================
Thweet Young Thing--"I need thome adhethive plasther."
Druggist--"What thickness?"
Thweet Young Thing--"Don't mock me, thir!"
======================================================
Customer to waiter: "Why is the steak so small? Last night I had one double this size."
Waiter: "Where did you sit?"
Customer: "Over by that window. But what does it matter?"
Waiter: "That's simple. We always serve large portions by
our windows. That's good advertising."
======================================================
"Doctor, I always feel like killing myself. What shall I do?"
"Leave it to me."
======================================================
MAN (to psychiatrist): I think I'm going nuts--I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, you must pull yourself together.
======================================================
A businessman known for his shady business tactics was counseling his son who had just graduated from college. "There are two rules," the man said, "to keep in mind throughout your business career. The first is: When you give your word, always keep it."
"Yes, Pop," the young man said. "And what's the second rule?"
"Don't give your word."
======================================================
An old farmer was once asked by a young man how it was he had become so rich.
"It is a long story," said the old man, "and while I'm telling it we may as well save the candle." And he put it out.
"You need not tell the story," said the youth. "I understand."
======================================================
A lady with a bad rash visited a dermatologist. It was the type of condition that had been present for some time.
"Have you been treated for this rash before?" inquired the doctor.
"Yes, by my druggist."
"And what sort of foolish advice did he give you?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, he told me to come to see you."
======================================================
The doctor smiled as he entered the room.
"You look much better today."
"Yes. I followed the directions on your medicine bottle."
"What were they?"
"Keep the bottle tightly closed."
======================================================
The pilot trainer said to his pupil, "Tomorrow, you'll begin flying solo."
"Really?" said the student. "How low is that?"
======================================================
They had new neighbors and the wife was interested in them.
In a few days she said:
"They seem a most devoted couple, John. He kisses her every
time he goes out, and even waves kisses to her from the sidewalk.
Why don't you do that?"
"Why don't I?" replied John. "Good heavens! I don't even
know her yet."
======================================================
Hunter: In Africa I used to hunt the wild lions on horseback.
Listener: That's astonishing. I didn't know that lions could ride horses.
======================================================
Jim: My wife says I look younger in this hat.
Bud: Oh, really? What is your age?
Jim: Fifty.
Bud: No, I mean without the hat!
======================================================
Q: When does a "B" come after "U"?
A: When you bother its nest
======================================================
TEACHER: Annie, will you please recite the alphabet?
ANNIE: A,B,C,D,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,U,V,W,X,Y,Z.
TEACHER: What happened to E,T?
ANNIE: Oh, he went back home.
======================================================
Dad was angry about Sonny's school report, "I've never read anything like it!" he raged. "It says here that you're nothing but a little terror! What does this mean?"
"It means, Dad," said the object of the report, "that I'm the son of a big terror."
======================================================

=======================================
PATIENT: Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live!
DOCTOR: Wait for me, I'll be with you in a minute.
=======================================
The troops were being trained to jump from an airplane.
Rookie: "What if my parachute doesn't open?"
Instructor: "That is known as jumping to a conclusion."
=======================================
Three slight deaf old friends met one day.
"Windy, yes?" said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the second.
"Well, so am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a cup of tea."
=======================================
DOCTOR: Do you have problems making up your mind?
PATIENT: Yes and no.
=======================================
The guy in the repair shop said, "Here it is, Mr. Jones.
Your lawnmower is now in running condition. Just one precaution,
however. Don't ever lend it to a neighbor."
"That's just the problem," said Mr. Jones. "I am the
neighbor."
=======================================
Agent (to writer): I've got some good news and some bad news.
Writer: First tell me the good news.
Agent: Paramount just loved your story, just ate it up.
Writer: That's fantastic. And the bad news?
Agent: Paramount is my dog.
=======================================
Reassuring voice heard over the intercom of a jet plane:
"Ladies and gentlemen, please sit back and relax. This plane is
entirely automatic. Automatic pilot, automatic food services,
automatic landing devices. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go
wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...."
=======================================
Pilot: Pilot to control tower...pilot to control tower...I'm
now 300 miles from land ...at 600 feet and running out of
fuel...please give instructions...over."
Tower: Control tower to pilot...tower to pilot...repeat
after me...Our Father, who art in heaven
=======================================
The pilot spoke on the intercom.
"Uh ... ladies and gentleman, I've got some bad news for
you: the aircraft's been struck by lightning.
"But I've also got some good news: we'll still be reaching
the airport on time.
"There's another bad news though, the cabin, wings, and tail
section will be arriving separately."
=======================================
At the airport, a guy who was going to take the next plane to Dallas saw a scale. He put in a quarter, and a message popped out: You weigh 175 and you're on the way to Dallas.
Puzzled, the man placed another quarter, and the same message came out.
Really addled, he went into the men's room, combed his hair in a different way, and changed his sport jacket. He returned and tested the machine with another quarter.
This time the message was: You still weigh 175, and you just missed your flight to Dallas.
=======================================
The pilot's voice from the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, We'll be arriving in two hours Please relax, Everything's fine and the weather's good and Oh my god...!"
The passengers were so terrified, They started praying and shouting.
"Sorry!" Said the pilot, "I spilled my coffee, You gotta see my pants..."
A passenger screamed: "You gotta see the back of mine!"
=======================================
Where did you get those pants?
Pants-sylvania!
... the coat?
North Da-coat-a!
... the vest?
Vest-Virginia!
... the collar?
Collar-ado!
=======================================
Two men were sleeping in a swamp. One man yelled: "An alligator just bit my foot off."
The other said: "Which one?"
"How should I know," wailed the first, "they all look alike?"
=======================================
MAT: I'd like a pair of alligator shoes.
PIERRE: Oh, really? What size does your alligator wear?
=======================================
FRED: Teacher, I'm a good student and I deserve better than a "D".
TEACHER: Okay, what grade would you like then?
FRED: Let's see--what's that letter that comes after "A" again?
=======================================
Why is New Jersey known as 'The Garden State'?"
"Because everybody's guardin' their house, guardin' their
car, guardin' their kids ..."
=======================================
Teacher: Please spell Tennessee.
Student: Okay. One-a-see, two-a-see, three-a-see...
=======================================
Teacher: How do you spell Mississippi?
Student: River or state?
=======================================
At an international engineering conference a Russian
questioned the man seated beside him where he came from.
"Why, I'm from the greatest country in the world," answered
the American proudly.
"Funny," observed his confused companion, "you don't sound
Russian."
=======================================
An American doughboy and a French poilu were parting at the
end of World War I.
"Au revoir!" said the poilu.
"What does that mean?" asked the doughboy.
"That's good-bye in French."
"Well, carbolic acid!" cried the doughboy.
"What does that mean?" the French soldier asked.
"That's good-bye in any language!" said the American.
=======================================
I love being an American. That's why I wear Italian suits,
eat French food, drive a Japanese car, and on holidays put out an
American flag made in Korea!
=======================================
"Doctor," the patient wailed, "you've removed my appendix
and my tonsils, but I still don't feel well!"
"Look, I've had enough out of you. . . ."
=======================================
A conversation between two women in a high society party:
"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great,"
said one lady. She then asked the second lady, "And how far
does your family go back?"
"I don't know," was the answer. "All of our records were
lost in the Flood."
=======================================
"I wonder what our ancestors would think of our nation
today?"
"When I get to heaven, I'll ask them."
"What if they didn't go to heaven?"
"Then you ask them."
=======================================
Farmer (to new hired hand)--"Where's that mule I told you
to take out and have shod?"
New Hand--"Did you say 'shod'? I thought you said 'shot.'
I've just been buryin' her."
=======================================
A pilot said to the passengers: "I've got good news and bad news, The good news is that we are landing soon, The bad news is we're crash landing!"
=======================================
"Honney," Said a polite girl to her fiance, "Do you smoke?"
"No," Replied her fiance, "Only sometimes when I'm drunk while gambling!"
=======================================

=======================================
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did... peacefully... in his sleep,
not screaming like the passengers in the backseat of his car did.
=======================================

======================================================
Little Boy (on phone): My mom isn't home.
Caller: How about your father?
Little Boy: Not home either.
Caller: Who is home?
Little Boy: My sister.
Caller: Will you get your sister?
Little Boy: Okay ... (delay) ... I'm sorry, but you can't
talk to her.
Caller: Why not?
Little Boy: I can't get her out of her crib.
======================================================
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother," Why is the bride dressed in white?"
" Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. " And today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment. " So why is the groom wearing black
======================================================
What did the tie say to the hat?
"You go on ahead and I'll hang around"
======================================================
AMBULANCE DRIVER: Have an accident?
VICTIM: No, thanks, I just had one
======================================================
VISITOR: My friend was run over by a steamroller and he's
in this hospital. What room is he in?
NURSE: Room 105, 106, 107 and 108.
======================================================
MARY: How did you manage to crash your motorcycle?
GARY: You see that ditch over there?
MARY: Yes.
GARY: Well, I didn't
======================================================
JACK: Can you hear me Jim?
JIM: No!
======================================================
"Oh! Oh! I'm hit!"
"You shot bad, Tex?"
"You ever hear of anyone being shot good?"
======================================================
TEACHER: What was the greatest accomplishment of the Romans?
MARLO: Learning Latin.
======================================================

ZAX

----------


## DarthVader68

Did you like the jokes?

----------


## zbor

I don't read such long posts.
It would be more efficient to put just 2-3 jokes.

But great job  :Wink:

----------


## DarthVader68

> I don't read such long posts.
> It would be more efficient to put just 2-3 jokes.
> 
> But great job



Thx, But instead you can read 2-3 jokes everyday, just to entertain yourself, I don't want you to wait until I post more jokes, Now you can read more when ever you're bored :-)
ZAX

----------


## xladept

Hi ZAX,

I had never seen the "Revearth" before (as well as a couple of others) :Smilie:

----------


## DarthVader68

> Hi ZAX,
> 
> I had never seen the "Revearth" before (as well as a couple of others)



Hope you liked them :-)

----------


## TMS

*Sunday School*

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good", and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. 

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good", and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" 

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Teacher fainted.

----------


## TMS

*Prison vs Work*

I knew I was doing something wrong!!

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON..you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. 
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. 
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. 
AT WORK....you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. 
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour. 
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour. 
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. 
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. 
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. 
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games. 
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. 
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. 
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. 
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. 
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. 
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. 
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. 
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. 
AT WORK...they are called managers

Have a Great Day at WORK

----------


## TMS

*A Heart Warming Tale*

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant plot. One day a builders gang turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing five pounds. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a gang building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless bastards at Jewsons ever bring us the f*ck!ng plasterboard."

----------


## TMS

Recently, I was diagnosed with *A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.*

This is how it manifests

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

----------


## TMS

*Every Mother's Nightmare*

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the
bed.With much foreboding and trembling hands she opens and reads  
it:

Dear Mum,

It is with  great regret and sorrow that I must tell you I have
decided to elope with my new boyfriend. He is so nice with all his body
piercing, tattoos and big motorbike. I've found real love and  passion 
Mum.

I'm pregnant too and Ahmed says we will be  very comfortable in his
old caravan in the woods. He wants to have many more children with 
me and that's one of my dreams.  

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone, so we'll be growing it 
for us and his friends who are providing all the cocaine and ecstasy we
need. 

In the meantime, we pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can 
get better, he deserves it.

Don't worry  Mum, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself.

Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

Judith



PS: Only kidding Mam, I'm over at  Julie's house. I just wanted to show you 
there are worse things in life than my school report, which you'll find 
under the pillow.

----------


## TMS

Let the story begin....

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.  And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.  I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart.  I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:  One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."  She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.  We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.  I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.  She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her wed just buy them all!  She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit.  We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.  Let me tell you, she was so excited.  She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.  I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.  I think I threw her for a loop when I said, Thats fine, honey."  She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, WHAT??!!!"

I then said "Really honey!  I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.  You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."  And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having *s e x* again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell while monkeys fly out of her bum.

----------


## TMS

*A Cold Day in Hell*

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was 
so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet,
which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it.


*Bonus Question:*

*Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?*

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the 
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once 
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state 
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do 
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of 
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.	If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
	souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will 
	increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.	If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
	in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell 
	freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then 
number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has 
already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has 
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is 
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my
God."

	THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

----------


## TMS

*New and Funny Words*


The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing 
one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realise it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.


And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a s s h o l e.

----------


## TMS

*Little Johnny*


Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "What's the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically', Dad?" 

The father pondered for a moment, then answered, "Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with 
Robert Redford  for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid. 
Then come back and tell me what you learned." 

So little Johnny went to his mother and asked "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" 

The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." 

Little Johnny then went to his older sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" 

The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity." 

He then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. 

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically', son?" 

Johnny replied, "Yes - potentially we're sitting on two million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers."

----------


## TMS

*Best Out of Office Auto Replies*


1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.  Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.  If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.  You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.  When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.

----------


## Winon

@TMS,

Excellent. LOL :Smilie:  Keep it coming.

Congrats with your 40th wedding anniversary, despite your referral to Post#3 in the other thread!

Kind Regards.

----------


## DarthVader68

A man asked his friend to teach him how to be romantic so he told him to watch and learn, his friend sat with his wife outside, he said to his wife: "See the moon? you're much more beautiful than it!", his wife was satisfied and kissed him, the man said to his friend: "Thanks, now I know what I should say..".
The man went home and sat with his wife outside, he told her: "See the moon? My friend's wife is much more beautiful than it!"

An ant walked into a hospital, they asked it what is it here for, it replied: "I'm here to donate my blood to my uncle, the elephant"

ZAX

----------


## TMS

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford  . . . . 

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But  . . . .     there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all  . . . .  
and most of us have, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"  

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said  . . . .  "Wedding Cake."

----------


## DarthVader68

> A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford  . . . . 
> 
> "The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
> 
> But  . . . .     there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all  . . . .  
> and most of us have, or will eat it.
> 
> Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"  
> 
> After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said  . . . .  "Wedding Cake."



Well played TMS =D
ZAX

----------


## TMS

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities, near the coast of England . The transcript was released by the Ministry of Defence.

*BRITISH*:     Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

*U.S.NAVY*:    Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

*BRITISH*:     Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

*U.S.NAVY*:    This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

*BRITISH*:     Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

*U.S.NAVY*:    THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

*BRITISH*:     We are a lighthouse...bugger off!

----------


## TMS

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time . . .


I knew a man who was suicidal. 
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin . . . 
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. . .
I thought to myself, these b*gg*rs have lost the plot!!


I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint, I gave her a big push and she fell over.


A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said . . .
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. 


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a
gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a pee."


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
So I bought her some scales.


A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii
GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. 
The birds love it!


The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. 
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.


On holiday recently in Spain, I saw a sign that said English speaking Doctor
I thought, 'What a good idea, why dont we have them in our country?'

----------


## zbor

There was a contest "Who is fastest builder" between American, Russian and Croat (need to tell a joke on my own  :Wink:  )

Russian say: We are fastest. We start to build Trans-Siberian Railway in the morning and at evening there is train already running.
American say: We start to build 100 floors building in the morning and at evening people already moving in.
Croat say: We start to wine cellar in the morning and at evening everyone is drunk.

----------


## TMS

A man received the following text from his neighbor:



I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
have been accessing your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The husband, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, 
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.




A few moments later, a second text came in:.................................

>

> scroll

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

----------


## TMS

In a dark and hazy room, peering intently into a crystal ball, the Gypsy Mystic delivered extremely grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken and with tears starting to appear in the corners of her eyes, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She brushed away the tears, took a few deep breaths to compose herself, and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"



For some reason, wives tend to like this joke...

----------


## TMS

Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside.

He says in a weakened voice There is something I must confess.

Shhhh said the wife, there is nothing to confess.

She holds his hand and caresses his head. Everything is all right she whispers.

NO!! the husband replied I must die in peace...I had s e x with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mum!

I know, she whispered, That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes....

----------


## TMS

Norman finally has his own towing company - Look!

This is a very brief 24 second video - Turn  sound up,

Try not to laugh!

Nothing left to chance?! 

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/emb...SntGGm8U?rel=0

----------


## john55

Hello Trevor, 
Thx, you made my day!  :Smilie:

----------


## DarthVader68

> A man received the following text from his neighbor:
> 
> 
> 
> I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
> have been accessing your wife, day and night when you're not around.
> In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
> I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
> apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
> ...



looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool lmfao
I like it lol
ZAX

----------


## Winon

Bob: "So, when are you marrying your girlfriend?"

Paddy: "Would have done it long ago, if it was not for her family problems"

Bob: "Family problems?"

Paddy: "Yes, her husband, and three kids."

----------


## TMS

That said, they made me laugh ...


As I have grown older:
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Condoms don't guarantee safe s e x anymore ... a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick b a s t a r d!

The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his p e n i s with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

VIDEO SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
The "lady" replies, "Hey dumb a s s, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

----------


## TMS

Fancy Dress!!


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.  He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. 

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: 

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: 

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.  A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: 

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*se and go as a toffee apple.

----------


## TMS

When Grandma Goes to Court.


Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He cant build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

----------


## suha52

huh nice well share some more like that.....!

----------


## TMS

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And then I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there rude and n a k e d
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t!t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.


Apparently, not from Pam Ayres

----------


## TMS

Best Commercial - You Will Never Guess 

I bet in a million years you will never guess
what this commercial is for ... BEFORE it ends.

Its one of the best ads ever!!


http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_...oplay=1&loop=0

----------


## TMS

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little **** head.

----------


## AlKey

I am sure many of us can relate to this. The first time I saw this video I just couldn't stop laughing. I hope you like it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsAMRiSqKBI

----------


## TMS

TRUE FRIENDSHIP!

A man brings his best buddy at work home for dinner, unannounced, at 5:30 PM.   His wife begins screaming at him and his buddy just sits and listens in. 

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight. Why did you bring him home?"

"Because he was thinking of getting married."

----------


## TMS

When you are pensioners.



The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. 


He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. 


He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. 


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. 


Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' 


As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything 


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.. 


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' 


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are  waiting for?' 


She answered -- 








(Continue below - This is great) 









'THE TEETH'

----------


## amthyst826

Boy Baby and Girl Baby are in the hosptial

Boy Baby says "I have something you don't have"

Girl Baby says "huh??"

Boy Baby says "I have something *you* don't have"

Girl Baby says "What are you talking about?"

Boy Baby says "I have something under my nightie that you don't have under yours"

Girl Baby says "Oh yeah... let's see"

Boy Baby pulls up his nightie and says "See..."

Scroll




Scroll




Scroll




Scroll




Scroll




Scroll




..... "Blue Booties!"

(get your mind out of the gutter... we're talking babies here!!!)    :Wink:

----------


## FDibbins

..."Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can get rid of him for a whole weekend!!"

----------


## TMS

Must admit, I thought that was going to be the one that goes.

Boy Baby and Girl Baby are in the hosptial

Boy Baby says "I have something you don't have"

Girl Baby says "huh??"

Boy Baby says "I have something you don't have"

Girl Baby says "What are you talking about?"

Boy Baby says "I have something under my nightie that you don't have under yours"

Girl Baby says "Oh yeah... let's see"

Boy Baby pulls up his nightie and says "See..."

Girl Baby says, "Oh that", pulls up her nightie and says, "See what I've got ... and with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want"

Oh yeah, babies talking ... how foolish is that  :Wink:

----------


## TMS

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, What would you do if I won the Lotto? 

Id take half and leave you, she says. 

Great he says.  Here's £6.  I won £12 yesterday!  Stay in touch.

----------


## TMS

*Parable of Donkey*

_Aww poor you, you thought this was going to be about Shrek didn't ya?_


Note: I've seen several versions of this "parable".  I particularly like this one, mostly because of the moral of the story at the end  :Smilie: 


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a spade and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's surprise he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something incredible. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.


Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less



NOW ............

Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

*MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:* 

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your a s s, it always comes back to bite you.



You have two choices...smile and close this page, or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.

----------


## TMS

Fill in the gaps in the sentence below; in each case, the *same letters*, in the *same order*:

The ....... surgeon was ....... to carry out the operation, because he had ....... to work on.


Clue: it's not always the same number of words.

Enjoy  :Smilie: 


Regards, TMS

----------


## martindwilson

i think its 
notable
spoiler above

----------


## TMS

@Martin: well, that didn't take long, did it?  :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

----------


## TMS

Just after I got married I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told the missus that I would be home by midnight ... promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.  At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witted solution to escape a possible conflict, even when smashed out of my mind.


The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. [Whew! Got away with that one!]

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

"Why?" I asked her.

She said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh ****', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.Â

----------


## TMS

This is straight from Scotland .  

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.  However, he wrote:


1) It is the perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.


He got an A.

----------


## Winon

I was in a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, ÂHello, ladies
are you three lassies from Scotland?Â

One of them angrily screeched, ÂItÂs Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales!Â

So I apologized and replied, ÂI am so sorry.

Are you three whales from Scotland?Â

And thatÂs the last thing I remember.

----------


## Alf

When a wife goes out to spend an evening with her old girl friends her husband should do the same.

----------


## TMS

*The way they do it in Australia!*

This morning a guy was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of top class beer cheap at the local supermarket.

He placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.

He stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned into his passenger window, her bra-less breasts nigh on falling out of her skimpy top, and said in a  s e x y  voice,

"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading  s e x  for beer?" 

He thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

----------


## Whizbang

This morning I told my wife she had drawn her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

----------


## TMS

Medical Aid

A man suffered a serious heart attack while doing his Christmas shopping.
The staff called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have medical aid?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No medical aid.”
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. 
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

----------


## ConneXionLost

One cold winter’s morning, Rosie Bernstein texted her husband:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
He texted back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Five minutes later, Rosie texted back:



"Computer is really screwed up now.”

----------


## TMS

*Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing ...*

He called the royal weather forecaster, a very important position, and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. 
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

----------


## 2977cc

TEACHER: Class our lesson for today is SCIENCE, what is Science?
               Jimmy!

JIMMY: Science is our lesson for today!

----------


## TMS

An Airplane Was About To Crash; There Were 5 Passengers On Board, But Only 4 Parachutes.

The First Passenger, Holly Madison Said, "I Have My Own Reality Show And I Am The Smartest And Prettiest Woman At Playboy, So Americans Don't Want Me To Die."  She Took The First Pack And Jumped Out Of The Plane.

The Second Passenger, John McCain, Said, "I'm A Senator, And A Decorated War Hero From An Elite Navy Unit From The United States Of America."  So He Grabbed The Second Pack And Jumped.

The Third Passenger, Donald Trump Said, "I Am Going To Be The Next President Of The United States, I Am The Smartest Man In Our Country, And I Will Make America Great Again".  So He Grabbed The Pack Next To Him And Jumped Out.

The Fourth Passenger, Billy Graham, Said To The Fifth Passenger, A 10-Year-Old Schoolgirl, "I Have Lived A Full Life And Served My God The Best I Could. I Will Sacrifice My Life And Let You Have The Last Parachute."              

The Little Girl Said, "That's Okay, Mr. Graham. There's A Parachute Left For You. The Smartest Man In America Took My School Bag."

I'll Bet A Dime That You Will Share This One !!

----------


## zbor

I've saw this and think of JB  :Cool: 

48e8a63cac5b0d421813df59acbeb34b.jpg

----------


## Winon

That is very unfair zbor! 

How are we suppose to believe that JB knows Excel, or what it is??? :EEK!:

----------


## FDibbins

Take in faith, boet, like honest government

----------


## Doc.AElstein

Jerry's Avatar is a Rocket?

----------


## Winon

Hi Doc, yes, check out his profile signature.

----------


## Winon

@FDibbins,

Hi Ford, I could not have commented better than with what you have added :Smilie: LOL!

----------


## Logit

I thought this was a 'joke' thread.

Oh .. wait ... I understand now.  Winon .....

 :Wink:

----------


## Winon

> I thought this was a 'joke' thread.



Duh!, That is what it reads to be.

So you are the guy that gets lost in a telephone booth!

----------


## Logit

You didn't "get" it.  Winon ....

Hello friend.

(I change into my red and blue spandex tights with the cape ... in a phone booth)

----------


## tim201110

A student knew nothing and proposed to a professor to discribe the following situation:it is legal and unlogical,logical and illegal, unlogical and illegal. the student passed the exam. А new semester began. The profeesor stucked with the student's question repeated it to the class. The student answered:
You are almost 80 and you married my girl classmate, legal and unlogical. I am her lover, logical and illegal. You gave me the highest mark on the exam, unlogical and illegal.

----------


## Axmed.cm

A man told his his wife he is going to "The Second Wife" for dinner.
He did not get a time to explain her it was a restaurant.
Now he is in the hospital recovering. and she is with him.

----------


## Winon

I was in a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, “Hello, ladies
 are you three lassies from Scotland?”
One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales!”
So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry.
Are you three whales from Scotland?”
And that’s the last thing I remember.

----------


## Arkadi

I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. 
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music. 
After just a few songs I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... 
That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod.

----------


## teylyn

I've been reading a book about 'Stockholm Syndrome'. I hated it at first, but now I love it.

----------


## FDibbins

If a baby wont go to sleep, could you charge it with resisting arrest?

----------


## Logit

teylyn :   Waaaay too funny !   Sick minds think alike.

FDibbins :  Yes !  A little Jack Daniels goes a long way in those scenarios.

----------


## Arkadi

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

----------


## tim201110

https://books.google.ru/books/about/...gC&redir_esc=y

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

PS a good example  of sarcasm, sometimes not very freindly.
wish could use it here  :Smilie:

----------


## Alf

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right  behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just  couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of  the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

----------


## zbor

Excel jokes are too formulaic

----------


## Logit

Two blondes were driving from Atlanta to Orlando for a first time visit to Disney World. All along the route south they would occasionally see
signs advertising 'Disney World 650 Miles' ... 'Disney World 523 miles' ... 'Disney World 264 Miles'. As the mileage toward their destination
progressively became less their excitement increased with anticipation.

Just outside of Orlando the signs were becoming more prevalent and closer together providing specific instructions where to turn and
in which direction.

One sign displayed 'Disney World - Left'.

So they turned around and went back home.

----------


## Winon

@Logit,

Ouch! Those two blondes could only be your two daughters! :EEK!: 
I doubt it that they will find their way back home. :Frown: 
And you stay put, waiting, instead of relocating quickly,Duh! :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic): 

Thanks for the chuckle, Buddy! :Wink:

----------


## xladept

They won't go back home.  They heard that all violent crimes occur within 3/4 miles from home. :Smilie:

----------


## Logit

.
.
No daughters ... just 6'5" 252 lb behemoth mercenary killers landing in S.A. at this moment.

 :Cool:

----------


## Doc.AElstein

_Moderation Note: That last Joke was unfair discrimination against Blonde Ladies.
Text changed:_
_______ Two Excel  Forum Experts were on the way to Disney land...... When we got there we turned around. ..  – Me and Logit decided to follow the Blond ladies instead  :Wink:

----------


## Logit

*LOVE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Kudos Doc !

----------


## Winon

> just 6'5" 252 lb behemoth mercenary killers landing in S.A. at this moment.



Yep, aware of that, I bribed them with a dollar to deliver your head to me, and to top it all they offered me a 50% discount to bring Doc's head along! :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic): 

No loss to the Forum for losing two so called "experts", following cross dressers! :EEK!:

----------


## Logit

Winon:  You've reached a new low.   :EEK!: 

This is my last comment on this topic.

----------


## xladept

It doesn't make them "bad persons" :Smilie:

----------


## Arkadi

For Winon & co.

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves. They took it out to different countries for a test.

U.S.A: in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;
UK: in 30 minutes it caught 30 thieves;
Spain: in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves;
Uganda: in 10 minutes it caught 80 thieves;
Nigeria: in 7 minutes it caught 200 thieves,
South Africa: in 5 minutes the machine was stolen, while the engineers operating the machine were kidnapped!

 :Wink:

----------


## Logit

HA !  

Take THAT .. Winon !!!

Thank you Arkadi !

----------


## JapanDave

> I've been reading a book about 'Stockholm Syndrome'. I hated it at first, but now I love it.



Ha,ha!!!!!!!

----------


## FDibbins

heyyyy why you gotta be picking on my country-man buddy winon?
lol

----------


## Winon

Thank you Arkadi,

We seem to slipping up. 5 Minutes is waaay off standard, is it a typo on your side?, because it should be no longer than 5 Seconds! :EEK!:

----------


## Arkadi

@ Winon lol  :Smilie: 

Some Canadian humour:

Q: What do you call a sophisticated American? 
A: Canadian. 

Q: Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? 
A: The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back. 

Q: What are the 2 seasons in Canada? 
A: WINTER AND JULY!

Q: What's the difference between an American and a Canadian? 
A: An Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it. 

You Might Be Canadian If 

Your municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. 
You can repeat the entire Molson's Canadian 'The Rant'. 
You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don't miss Hockey Night. 
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly." 
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada 
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers. 
You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas. 
You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.

----------


## tim201110

mozahist: O-o, hurt me!!!
sadist: NO!

----------


## mike7952

@Arkadi

 What did you say, A?

----------


## Logit

.
.
Two Canadian snow mobilers walk into a bar

----------


## mike7952

Ouch guess they should have ducked. :Cool:

----------


## mike7952

An SQL Query walks into a bar and approaches 2 tables and asks: Can I join you?

----------


## Logit

mike7952 

My version dry humor / insinuating ...Your version with the play on words was too funny.   :Smilie:

----------


## MarvinP

Was that an inner join or an outer join?  Did the Query have any relationship to the tables?

----------


## Logit

Only when the tables were 'turned' .

 :EEK!:

----------


## mike7952

@Marvin

 I'm not sure about the join but the Query did select one of the tables to take home and asks, may I insert into you?


The Query was soon surrounded by subQueries – it was then he realized he had walked into an Array Bar

----------


## Logit

.
Well ... OK then ...  (he mumbles as he slithers off into the sunset) ......

 :EEK!:

----------


## xladept

The Union made?

----------


## mike7952

............................

----------


## 6StringJazzer

There is humor in spreadsheets!

----------


## mike7952

@Jeff

 That was funny!

----------


## Logit

6StringJazzer

Wow !   Excel humor on YouTube !

Questions:

What does that say about comedy ?

What does that say about the Brits ?

What does that say about us finding it humorous ?

Especially, what does it say about those of us who go to the website and converted a photo ?


OH GAWDDDDDDDDDDD !  I've reverted to my teen years !   :EEK!: 

Is there a sign taped on my back ?   :Wink:

----------


## TMS

Saw this on Facebook ... love it!  :Smilie: 

RTFQ.jpg

----------


## CAntosh

At the front of a small park in a large town, a pair of statues had long formed the entryway to the park beyond.  The statues were tasteful nudes, a man and a woman, who had clearly been sculpted to represent unrequited lovers.  Each statue was positioned on a pedestal on either side of the entrance, their bodies fully arched and extended as they each reached an arm across the entrance toward their partner, forming the entry arch.  The statues had been there as long as anyone could remember, staring into each other's eyes and longingly reaching for the other's hand.

One day, the town's bicentennial parade several miles away left the park completely empty.  It was at this moment that an angel suddenly appeared before the two statues and brought them to life.  The long separated lovers rushed to share an embrace!  

When they remember that they were not alone, the statues' initial passion abated a bit, and they turned to ask the angel what was happening.

The angel explained, "The two of you have served this town so selflessly over the years that I'm pleased to announce you've been granted a very special reward!"

The statues gasped; the angel continued, "It will be thirty minutes before anyone passes this way, so I've been tasked with awarding you half an hour of life to use as you please."  The angel paused to soak in the radiant smiles of his two honorees.  He winked at them and continued knowingly, "I know that there's been something you've been dying to do together for the past several decades.  It must have been so difficult to feel that longing for so many years and not be able to act.  In recognition of your sacrifice, you have been granted the time to fulfill your desire!  Go!"

The two statues, having giggled throughout the speech, shouted "Hooray!!" and darted behind a thicket of bushes.  The angel smiled knowingly as the next several minutes were filled with a great deal of rustling sounds from the bushes, joined occasionally by various grunts, giggles, and other sounds of exertion.

Before long, the two living statues reemerged, holding hands and beaming with glee.

"Was it everything you hoped it would be?"  The angel asked wryly.

"And more!" The woman responded.

The angel glanced at his watch and replied, "Actually, you still have 15 minutes left, so you could do it again, if you're up for it."

"Really!?!"  The woman exclaimed.  She turned to her partner, "Do you want to do it again!?!"

"Of course!!" he answered, grabbing her hand and leading her back behind the bushes.  "But this time _you_ hold the pigeon down and _I'll_ poop on its head!!"

----------


## tim201110

A Jewish boy was expelled from two schools for poor performance and misconducts. There was not any Jewish school left around, and his dad enrolled him to a catholic one. In a while, an official from the school said to the dad that his son was the best pupil in his class and behave properly. The man asked his son about it.
‘Dad, the first day in the school a supervisor showed me a man on a cross and said: ‘This is Jesus Christ, he was crucified, By the way, he is a Jewish too.’ And I thought: ‘Gewalt! It’d better not to show off here!’

----------


## CAntosh

I feel like the qualifications for "Expert" status should be changed to:

360 days registered, 1200 posts, 600 reputation points, and at least one contribution to the joke thread.

----------


## AliGW

I'd better add something quick!

Thesaurus.jpg

----------


## CAntosh

Haha, nice!  Now start making posters contribute to this thread as penance for their various forum sins (forgetting tags, double posting, etc.).

----------


## songhaegyo

what did the asian say when the white guy asked for his fav food.

Fried rice!

----------


## Arkadi

The probability of failure of a software demonstration is directly proportional to the product of the number of people attending and the importance of the demo.

Corollary: demos to thousands of paying customers have a failure probability in excess of 90%, even when, especially when, the demo worked perfectly half an hour before the presentation. (See recent product launches by Apple and Microsoft for instances when failure probability has approached 100%.)

----------


## tim201110

Men were drinking. One of them got tired and said:
- I am going to sleep. But when I want to continue wake me up!
- How will we know you want to?
- Just wake me up!

----------


## Mvaldesi

An Access database told his wife he was going to the store. She said “Pick up a loaf of bread. Oh, and if they have eggs, pick up a dozen.”

The Access database came back with 12 loaves of bread.

----------


## Logit

Just call me ' Access '      :EEK!:

----------


## sandy666

Wife: The car is not starting, and on the dashboard there is a sign of a person sitting on a toilet!
Husband: What….????  Can you send me a picture?

Wife: image001.jpg

----------


## dubseven

LOL! Too funny

----------


## Winon

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, “Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

The mother responds, “Very good honey.” The blonde asks, “Is that because I’m a blonde mommy?” And the mother responds, “Yes dear.”

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, “Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”

The mother says, “Very good honey.” The blonde then asked. “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?” The mother responds, “Yes dear.”

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”  And the mother responds, “No Honey, it’s because you’re twenty five.”

----------


## AliGW

Gents - please remember that there are ladies present.  :Wink:

----------


## xladept

The blondes are no fools - when one was told that all assaults happen within 3/4 mile of your home, she moved!

----------


## Winon

@ xladept,

"Clever" Blonde, I must admit!

----------


## Winon

@ AliGW,

To apologize for my transgression, and hoping there are no Priests present, please accept this peace offering;

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. 

She was not aware her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. When her husband came home unexpectedly, she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “I’ll tell.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again.”

----------


## 6StringJazzer

An American blonde had two children and told her husband that she wanted to have a third, and he was all for the idea. But then she read an article that said one of every three children born in the world is Chinese, so she didn't want to take the chance. 

Her biggest concern was that she wouldn't be able to talk to them.

----------


## FDibbins

An elderly couple lived down the road from a church, and every Sunday, they would make love in time with the church bells.

1 Sunday, while performing this ritual, the poor old guy had a heart attack - there was a fire down the road and a fire truck came rushing past with it's bells sounding

----------


## Winon

@ FDibbins,

LOL, Poor guy died of too many bells, and not too much Bell's. :EEK!:

----------


## Winon

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”

----------


## Winon

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass?”

The man replied, “I’m so poor, I can not afford anything to eat.”

So the layer said, “Poor guy, come back to my house.”

The guys say, “I have a wife and three kids.” The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, “Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you.”

The lawyer replied, “You’re going to love it there … the grass is a foot tall!”

----------


## Winon

Please Help!
New Home Wanted.jpg

----------


## Logit

.
Winon ... SHAME ON YOU !

 :Cool:

----------


## Winon

Post deleted to appease those who complain! :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

----------


## Logit

Let me see a photo first.

----------


## Winon

Post deleted to appease those who complain! :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

----------


## Winon

Post deleted to appease those who complain! :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

----------


## snb

Can you please stop this nonsense ?
It's not a joke and it isn't funny. It's childish
Please remove these last non jokes.

----------


## AliGW

I did gently try to suggest that these 'jokes' are offensive to some of us. I am glad I am not alone. There are easily as many stupid men in the world as there are women. Jokes about gender are just as hurtful as those about race, religion or creed. I know that some of the other mods and admins do not see it this way, though, so those who wish to partake in this laddish locker room banter may do so with impunity. No doubt they will think me a bad sport with no sense of humour: I can live with that, but not the idea that being born female means that I cannot be seen as their intellectual equal.  :Smilie:

----------


## Winon

A Joke is a Joke. Nothing personal or serious. _As simple as that._ If people feel offended by a simple Joke, they have some personal issues to deal with. 

Period.

This is The Water Cooler after all.

----------


## AliGW

Well, this is a matter of opinion, I am afraid. I have no personal issues to deal with. This is The Water Cooler, yes, and it should be a comfortable place for all of us to be. If anything presented as a 'joke' here makes anyone else feel uncomfortable, then perhaps members should think twice about posting such 'jokes'. From my perspective, 'jokes' about women being stupid are not just harmless fun. Anyway, nobody is stopping you from partaking in this sort of thing. Carry on, please! I am clever enough to realise that giving The Water Cooler a wide berth from now on is my best course of action.  :Smilie:

----------


## dominicb

I think the best course of action for the time being is to close this thread - just for a few days.

I appreciate the comments being made from all sides but think we all need a couple of days to let this settle.

I like a good laugh as much as the next person, but sometimes it is all too easy to overstep the mark and offend someone.  There are of course degrees of offence and I consider it wise to think about this before posting here.  Watercooler or not.

I would not advocate permanent closure / deletion of this thread, as the original intent was good clean fun, which we all need from time to time.

DominicB

----------


## FDibbins

I must admit that I gave a small cringe when I saw some of the latter posts, but figured maybe it was just me.  Not sure that closing this thread was the way to go, but I have no issue with letting things settle for a day or 2.

Maybe the litmus test here should be something along the lines of - If you think something you may post, will offend (rather than just - oh no, they didnt just say "that", did they) some members, then rather dont bother to post it, it's just not worth the agro it could cause.

To all I would add that, as you know, I grew up in SA (but still consider myself a Brit lol).  Having moved from SA to another country (USA) I found myself constantly getting dinged for things I said, when I had no intention of offending anyone at all.  In fact, many times, if I said that in SA (and did, many times), I got a huge laugh from all around...men, women, black, white, you name it.

My point here, is that different places have different cultures, and sometimes VERY different views of on what is said.  It took me quite a while to realize that, while I would say something in jest, it was often, not taken or perceived that way.  ook a while for me to learn to sometimes just keep my mouth shut lol

----------


## FDibbins

Thread has been re-opened.

Please consider others potential objections/being offended, before posting here

Thanks and have fun  :Smilie:

----------


## Arkadi

Glad to see the thread open again... let me kick things off  :Smilie: 

Q: What do computers and air conditioners have in common?

A: They both become useless when you open Windows

----------


## Arkadi

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... "Can I join you?"

----------


## Arkadi

Oh ok...one more...

Optimist:  The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Programmer: The glass is twice as large as necessary.

----------


## dominicb

OK, one here from the late, great, Sir Ken Dodd (8 Nov 1927 - 11 Mar 2018).

Percy Shaw invented the "cat's eye" back in the early 1930's.
Legend has it that he took his inspiration from an evening car trip when he saw the eyes of a cat coming towards him, glowing brightly in the beam cast by his car's headlights.
If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener!

DominicB

----------


## 63falcondude

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

...

An Investigator

----------


## 6StringJazzer

> A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... "Can I join you?"



Infraction issued.  :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

----------


## Pete_UK

Here's another Doddy joke:

His reply to the prosecuting barrister at his tax trial who accused him of behaving as if the tax laws didn't apply to him -  "Well, it's called the Inland Revenue, and I live on the coast"

Pete

----------


## Logit

.
Why did the programmer quit his job ?

Because he didn't get arrays.

__________________________________
Ba - dum - dum dum !

Donations accepted to my PayPal account. Thank you.

----------


## Logit

.
How do you tell an introverted programmer from an extroverted programmer ?

When talking to you, the extroverted programmer looks at your shoes.

 :EEK!:

----------


## Logit

.
Last one for today :


A group of VBA programmers walk into their favorite pub and order a round of beers. As tradition has it, being a Friday evening, they raise their
quaffs high and bellow the usual ditty ...

99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code.
1 bug fixed .. compile again,
100 little bugs in the code.

----------


## Arkadi

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said:
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, 
cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing Excel error messages.

----------


## Mvaldesi

A guy walked into a bar immediately crushing any hopes he had of taking home the gold during the Olympic Limbo Dancing event.

----------


## FlameRetired

Give a man a fish
 ... you've fed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish
 ... he'll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

----------


## Logit

Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

----------


## Logit

Two bytes meet.  The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

*********************************************

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
very long pause….
“Java.”

*********************************************

A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air.  His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack?  Smoking is hazardous to your health!”

To which the man replies, “I am a programmer.  We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

*********************************************

Redneck Computer Terms

LOG ON: Makin’ a woodstove hot.
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gittin’ the farwood off the truck.
MEGA HERTZ: When you’re not keerfull gittin’ the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much farwood.
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gittin’ home in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it’s cold outside.
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it’s black fly season.
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.
MODEM: Whutcha do to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife.
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the dang truck keys.
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MOUSE PAD: That’s hippie talk fer the mouse hole.
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, “C’mon in, y’all.”
CLICK: Whut you hear when you **** your gun.
DOUBLE CLICK: When the dang gun don’t far when you pull the trigger.
REBOOT: Whut you have to do at bedtime when you forgot the kitty’s still outside.

----------


## tim201110

> scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!



always wonder why one cannot select text in a message.
 :Smilie:

----------


## Arkadi

Lol Logit.... Love the redneck one

----------


## Arkadi

A few funny 1-Liners:

Windows Vista supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash simultaneously. 

The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed Linux.

My attitude isn't bad. It's in beta. 

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product. 

And a few computer-geek pickup lines:

Is your name Google? Because you have everything I've been searching for. 

You make my software turn into hardware! 

Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection. 

Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight? 

I googled your name earlier... I clicked on 'I'm Feeling Lucky.'

----------


## Alf

When a parrot cries: “Pieces of seven, pieces of seven!” Is that a parroty error?

----------


## Winon

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a troop of baboons, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep" the wife replied, "in-laws"

----------


## GuruWannaB

Easy test to tell a mathematician and an engineer apart.

Find a hallway - draw two lines....
One at one end of the hallway - the other at the other end.

Now...Put the engineer and the mathematician on the same line.
Put a nayked lady at the other line.

Tell both the engineer and the mathematician that each time they move - they can only move half of the existing distance to the woman.  

The mathematician will give up instantly - claiming that hwill never actually ever cross the line.
The engineer will state that although he is aware he will never cross the line... He will get close enough for all practical purposes.

----------


## Arkadi

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

----------


## GStone

Not a joke but a clean anecdote. When my daughters were young, about 12 and 7, as they were sharing the chore of washing dishes (yes by hand, without an automatic dishwasher), my youngest washing, eldest rinsing and drying. The younger was trying to clean a small pot and couldn't quite get it clean. The eldest told her she needed to "use more elbow grease." The youngest started searching the cupboards and the eldest told her to call me at work and ask me where to find what she was looking for. Imagine my surprise when she called to ask me where I kept the Elbow Grease.

----------


## FDibbins

GStone, my mother told my youngest son the exact same thing when she had asked him to clean something (dont remember what exactly).  He came running in and asked his mum where the elbow grease was.

As a foot note to that, years later (20+) when my wife and I were in Alaska, I happened to notice a small tin (like a shoe polish tin) that said Elbow Grease.  As it turned out, my youngest was getting married in a few months, so I bought a tin, and when I gave a speech at his wedding, I told him that his new bride would probably have him scrubbing post and pans in no time, and to remember what his Nanna had said about using elbow grease.  I then presented him with the tin, and told him to keep it for when he had some tough cleaning to do.

----------


## headcase

> Not a joke but a clean anecdote. When my daughters were young, about 12 and 7, as they were sharing the chore of washing dishes (yes by hand, without an automatic dishwasher), my youngest washing, eldest rinsing and drying. The younger was trying to clean a small pot and couldn't quite get it clean. The eldest told her she needed to "use more elbow grease." The youngest started searching the cupboards and the eldest told her to call me at work and ask me where to find what she was looking for. Imagine my surprise when she called to ask me where I kept the Elbow Grease.



Very funny, kids are HILARIOUS. H I L A R I O U S.

----------


## Logit

.
Ok .. let's see if this joke will not offend anyone. (It really is kinda 'cute' )

Two guys who work for Delta Airlines in Atlanta, Georgia ... were on the job one hot, summer day. They did repairs on Delta's jets.

Both were sitting on the cement hangar floor leaning against the outside metal wall. Jerry turned to Tom and said, "I've heard that jet fuel can give you a real buzz."

Tom just stared at him. Finally after a few moments he said, "Where in the world did you hear that ?"

Jerry, feeling kinda dumb at the moment replied, "Well .... it's just sumthin' I heard once. Anyway, I'm thirsty and we ain't got nuthin' to drink around here."

Several  L  O  N  G  minutes went by before Tom spoke again. "Well ... I'm game if you are."  That was all Jerry needed to hear. They both used tall metal container water bottles to pour jet fuel into and proceeded to 
drink the 'brew'.

Now ... drinking jet fuel isn't easy to do. It's kinda like your first taste of moon shine. Once you get paste the smell and the flavor .. and the burning sensation .. things start to get better.

After several hours of drinking they were both snockered and seeing it was quitting time, they said their good byes and left for the day.

The next morning Jerry gets a phone call from Tom.

"Hey Jerry ! You awake yet ?"

"Well I am now, Tom. Whatta ya want ?"

"You been to the bathroom yet this morning, passed any gas ?", said Tom

Jerry replied, "No .. why ?"

Tom said, "Well don't ! I'm in Houston ..."




* ta dum dum dum ...... *  :Cool:

----------


## FDibbins

haha cute  :Smilie:

----------


## 6StringJazzer

Here is a story that has been going around for decades, long before the Internet. I do not know if any of it is true (probably not). But it reminds me of some of the Excel questions I try to answer:

After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

----------


## Logit

.


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


In the spirit of Larry The Cable Guy ... 'I don't care who you are ... NOW THAT'S FUNNY ! '

 :Smilie:

----------


## Logit

.
It's been a L O N G time since anyone posted some humor. So .....

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.


Q: Is Google male or female? 
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.


A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"


Why should you never play cards in the jungle ?
Because it's full of cheetahs.


Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 
A: It's okay. He woke up.


And just for my friend Winon ...

A husband and wife were driving through South Africa. As they approached Johannesburg, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

----------


## FDibbins

Why do the English tell such stupid jokes about Americans?

So the Americans can understand them.

(ducks and heads for the hills)

----------


## Richard Buttrey

University chancellor checking the economics degree paper that a professor from the Economics department proposes setting and has presented to him for comment.

UC: "But these are the same questions as last year!"
Prof: "Ah yes, but this year the answers are different".

----------


## tim201110

> .
> * ta dum dum dum ...... *



Atlanta, weve had a problem

----------


## Logit

.




> Why do the English tell such stupid jokes about Americans?
> 
> So the Americans can understand them.
> 
> (ducks and heads for the hills)





Why is Fish and Chips so popular with the Brits ?

It's easier to chew with their tooth.



(I'm standing tall and still right here FDibbins. Take your best shot.) 

 :Cool:

----------


## FDibbins

Logit, did you notice my current location?

LOL

----------


## Logit

.
Yes, I was aware of that when I posted.   :Smilie: 

But since you started it ...

(aren't you originally from GB or SA ?)

----------


## Arkadi

What does DNA stand for? 

National Dyslexia Association

----------


## FlameRetired

Got this from a YouTube post.

"If I had $0.50 for every math test I failed I'd have $13.23 by now."

----------


## tim201110

> "If I had $0.50 for every math test I failed I'd have $13.23 by now."



Cost of Bullets

----------


## FDibbins

> .
> Yes, I was aware of that when I posted.  
> 
> But since you started it ...
> 
> (aren't you originally from GB or SA ?)



Both.  Born in England, grew up in South Africa, now live in USA

----------


## Mvaldesi

> What does DNA stand for? 
> 
> National Dyslexia Association



Stealing this one! Ha!

----------


## Mvaldesi

On her way home, a woman noticed three parrots for sale at a local pet shop, one for $150, another for $125 and one for $10. She asked the clerk why the third was so cheap, and he told her because it came from a brothel. She laughed, handed over $10 and took the bird home.

When they got to the house, the parrot spoke up immediately: _”Hey, a new brothel! Place looks great!”_ The woman laughed and laughed!

A while later, the woman’s two daughters came home; the parrot spoke up again _”Hey, new girls! The new place is gonna do great!”_ The woman and her daughters laughed their heads off!

That evening the woman’s husband came home from work; the parrot spoke immediately _”Hey, Joe! Glad you found the new place!”_ The woman didn’t find this very amusing at all.

----------


## Mvaldesi

Long one, but good one:

One day, an old man received an phone call from the IRS. Apparently theyd noticed large sums of money moving in and out of his accounts despite his being long-since retired and on a fixed income. They needed him to explain himself or hed be subjected to a full audit, so they scheduled him to come to their office first thing on Monday. The old man had never dealt with anything like this, so he called his lawyer and asked him to go with him to the IRS office.

That Monday, the old man and his lawyer found themselves sitting across a large desk from an IRS official who proceeded to reiterate what had brought them to this critical moment, again threatening a full audit.

I can explain everything, the old man said, I like to gamble; all that money is from my gambling habit.

Alright, that makes sense, said the IRS official, but we have all the necessary forms for you to report gambling earnings; surely the casinos you frequent made you aware given such large sums of money?

Well, I dont really gamble at casinos; I gamble on other things, said the old man.

Like what? said the IRS official.

The old man thought for a moment and said its probably best if I just show you. Care to make a wager?

Intrigued, the IRS official consented to the bet.

You look like a well tado fella, and dern smart, too said the old man leaning closer to the desk; I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my own eye.

The IRS official grinned from ear to ear,  thats impossible; youve got a bet!

To that, the old man proceeded to pop out a glass eye, gingerly nibble it, and pop it back in.

The IRS official was stunned. Well, Ill be damned; you got me, as he reached for his check book.

The old man raised his hand, Now, now, wait just a second before you go writing any checks. Im not an unreasonable man, and Im certain sure youre no quitter; Im willing to give you a chance to DOUBLE your money. I bet you $10,000 I can bite my _other_ eye.

The IRS official pursed his lips, still silently fuming that hed be had, but he noticed the old man walked in on his own, didnt have a cane or seeing eye dog, so _clearly_ he didnt have TWO glass eyes, Alright, old, man; youre on!

To that the old man popped out his false teeth, raised them to his _good_ eye, pinched it between the yellowed front teeth of the dentures before popping them back into his mouth.

The IRS official stood up and pounded his fist against his desk, Youve got to be kidding me! Alright, enough of this; take your damned check and get out of here!

The old man raised his hands and bowed his head in surrender, Now hold your horses, its just money and were just funnin. Last chance, double er nothin again. $20,000?

Seeing red, the IRS official was ready to pop; the idea of having to explain to his wife AND superiors how in the span of 5 minutes, he lost $10,000 to an old man hed had pegged for an audit didnt sit too well with him, but an _extra_ $20,000 sounded just right. Old man, no more fooling around; youre running out of fake body parts, so whats the bet?

The old man gestured to the small trashcan next to the officials desk, You see that trashcan right there? Im not going to touch it; YOU push it back against the wall directly behind you. The official complied pushing the can behind him a good 10 feet away and returned to his desk.

Alright, $20,000 says, from this chair right here, without getting up save to undo my britches and sit back down, I can pee directly over your head into the trashcan and not a _single_ drop will miss, everything around us as bone-dry as it is right now when Im done. And to sweeten the pot, he added And no tom-foolery this time; the rules are clear and I got *down there* only what God gave me some 90 years ago. We got a deal?

The official shook the old mans hand and plopped back down in his chair. The old man stood up, unbuckled his pants, pulled out his business, sat back down and proceeded to pee everywhere BUT in the trashcan across the room: all over the floor, on the IRS officials desk, even in the IRS officials face!

The IRS official started laughing hysterically whilst wiping his face with a handerkerchief, I knew it couldnt be done you crazy, old man! Now poney up my $20,000!

The old man shrugged, yep, you got me. $20,000, all yours. He pulled out his own checkbook and started writing the check.

Beaming with pride as he watched the old write the check, the IRS official noticed the lawyer was glaring at the old man and shaking his head in silent outrage. Whats your problem councelor? he asked with a grin. Is that $20,000 coming out of your fees?

The lawyer shot him a furious look, No, you idiot; the old man bet me $50,000 on the way over here that he could pee in your face and youd love it!

----------


## david12

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

----------


## david12

Q. How do vampires start their letters?

A. "Tomb it may concern..."

----------


## david12

Q. What do you call a duck that loves making jokes?

A. A wise-quacker!

----------


## david12

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

----------


## Logit

.
You know you are OCD when you spell it CDO.

----------


## ratcat

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves". 


A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3 in the Bahamas… There are the pie rates of the Caribbean. 


I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! 


The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said “papers?” I said “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.

----------


## Arkadi

A man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”
Donald replied, “Well, then just give me back my money.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can! Watch me.
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”
Donald is moving into the White House later this month.

----------


## Oudebelle

Oh my god that blew my mind lol

----------


## Arkadi

An elderly couple talk in the evening: 

Him:  “Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?” 

Her: “I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.” 

Him: “And that helps?” 

Her: “Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”

----------


## Logit

.
Yuck !

 :EEK!:

----------


## AliGW

Serves him right.  :Cool:

----------


## Winon

That's probably why he lets out his anger at her so often. Also known as GIGO! :EEK!:

----------


## Logit

.
Freudian Slip ?

----------


## xladept

They don't wear slips anymore. :Smilie:

----------


## 6StringJazzer

> An elderly couple talk in the evening: 
> 
> Him:  Honey, Im so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods? 
> 
> Her: I always go and clean the toilet when that happens. 
> 
> Him: And that helps? 
> 
> Her: Yes, because Im using your toothbrush.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwaktb79exc

----------


## Logit

.
 :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!:  :EEK!: 

 :Wink:

----------


## Arkadi

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? 

One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

----------


## FDibbins

> What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? 
> 
> One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.



ouch!!   :Smilie:

----------


## Pete_UK

Just going through some old emails - this was sent to me some 11 years ago !! :

Please dont handle the fruit. Ask for Debbie  Greengrocers 

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable  Bucharest Hotel lobby 

Guard dogs operating  District Hospital 

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for  Swiss restaurant 

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension  Austrian ski hotel 

We stand behind every bed we sell  Furniture shop 

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily Except Thursday  Moscow hotel (across the street from a Russian Orthodox Monastery) 

St Just church and bar  Cornish road sign 

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid  Japanese hotel 

Warning: never use while sleeping  Warning with hair dryer 

If you wish breakfast, lift the telephone and our waitress will arrive. This will be enough to bring up your food  Tel Aviv hotel 

Dont go into another shop to be cheated  come in here  Bargain basement 

Light pranks add zest to your services, but dont pull the customers ears  Japanese Tourist Industry Board (Rules for Hotel chambermaids) 

Special today No ice cream  Swiss mountain inn 

Customers should note that any complaints about rudeness in the staff will be dealt with very severely  British hotel 

After one visit we guarantee you will be regular  Indian restaurant

----------


## Logit

.
How can you identify an American citizen ?

They are the ones who sit by wishing for things to change for the better while
their criminal politicians turn their Republic/Democracy into a Socialist State.

----------


## wanmuhd

3 men were travelling together in a train.
During a journey, 1 man was eating an apple.
After he was eating a bite, he threw away the apple.
The he was eating another apple again.
Similar to before, he threw another apple again and again.
Wondering why he was doing like that, the other man asked. "Why you are throwing the apple?"
"In my country, there is a lot of apple."

A second man then lighted a "Gudang Garam" cigarette.
Similar to the first man, he threw the cigarette after a puff.
He was continuing to do the same thing for few times.
Then, the other man asked, "Why you are throwing the cigarette?
"In my country, there is a lot of "Gudang Garam" cigarette", answer the guy.

Then a third man was thinking what he could show to other two men.
Suddenly, he threw the second man who was previously smoked "Gudang Garam" cigarette.
"Hey, why you are throwing the man", the first man asked.
"In my country, there is a lot of this man"

----------


## Winon

Husband and wife had a fight, Wife called up her mom and said; He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you. Mom said, No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you!

----------


## Logit

One day a young, fluffy white polar bear asked his mother
"Mom ? You're a polar bear ... right ?" To which his mother
replied "Yes dear." The young cub said, "So that makes me a
polar bear too. Right ?" His mother said, "Yes."

The next day the young cub asked his mother "Mom, is dad a
polar bear also ?" And his mother said "Yes."

The young cub then said .. "Well if you are a polar bear ... and
Dad is a polar bear ... and I am a polar bear ... WHY AM I SO DANG 
COLD ! ?"

----------


## Winon

The All Blacks can still make it to the Rugby World Cup Finals.....They just need to buy tickets! :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

----------


## protonLeah

:Frown: 
.............................

----------


## Fluff13

> The All Blacks can still make it to the Rugby World Cup Finals.....They just need to buy tickets!



 :Smilie:  :Smilie:  :Smilie:  :Smilie: 
...........

----------


## FDibbins

> The All Blacks can still make it to the Rugby World Cup Finals.....They just need to buy tickets!



ouch LO...

----------


## Winon

For 80 minutes the Rand was stronger than the Pound! :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):  :Smilie:

----------


## Logit

> For 80 minutes the Rand was stronger than the Pound!



And then your leaders stuck their finger in the money pot and everything went back to normal ?

----------


## Winon

> And then your leaders stuck their finger in the money pot and everything went back to normal ?



You may or may not believe it but they read it as 80 months, to leave us worse off. :EEK!:

----------


## Glenn Kennedy

Is that a reflection of SA's rugby glories... or the dreadful Brexit omnishambles in the UK???

----------


## Logit

.
One day a young boy asked his father : "Dad ... what's the funniest thing you can think of?"

His father thought for a few moments then replied : "All the politicians running as Democrats in the 2020 Presidential Race."

----------


## Winon

One day a young boy asked his father: "Dad ... who's the funniest demented person you can think of?"

His immediately reply: Logit  :EEK!:

----------


## Winon

@ Glenn Kennedy,

Make no mistake, we have great respect for the Irish Rugby team! No need to blame the dreadful Brexit omnishambles in the UK, since I fail to see how it could affect Englands' Rugby team, or am I missing something somewhere? :Wink:

----------


## Winon

@ xladept,

And what are you looking at Orrin?

----------


## Winon

@ Logit,

Now, don't you dare to get nasty with me old Buddy! :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

----------


## xladept

@ Tjaart - I was trying to fathom what you're talking about - I gave up. :EEK!: 
BTW - How are you doing? old buddy? :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

----------


## FDibbins

Winon, congrats to you guys on the RWC win, I was rooting for England, but after watching even 10 mins in, it was clear they did not deserve to win.

----------


## Logit

" BTW - How are you doing? old buddy? "

Well .. I notice everyone has you pegged correctly.  OLD !

----------


## Pepe Le Mokko

A man just died
At his funeral, the priest speaks very highly of him:
" A fine husband, a good Christian, an exemplary father..."
The widow leans towards her son and whispers :
"Go check the grave to see if it's really your father"...

----------


## Teakole

> A man just died
> At his funeral, the priest speaks very highly of him:
> " A fine husband, a good Christian, an exemplary father..."
> The widow leans towards her son and whispers :
> "Go check the grave to see if it's really your father"...



I love such black kind of humor  :Smilie:

----------


## Shmurkam

Friend : You will have to learn to say NO!
Friend : Let's have a beer ?
The drunk: Why not?

I hope i've have translated this correctly. 
----------------------------------------------
I drink to drown my sorrows... But the damn things learned to swim.

----------


## Logit

.........................................................................................................................................................

----------


## 6StringJazzer

How to confuse a Trump supporter: With facts

----------


## Logit

^^^^^^^   :Wink:

----------


## BlackShiraya

An old lady walks into a bank and askes the teller to check her balance
.
.
.
The teller pushed her over

----------


## Logit

A son was talking to his friend and related ... 

"Dad and me are working from home, at the dining room table, due to the virus. Dad is 
an Aerospace Engineer and he is running stress fracture calculations on Excel."

"I'm drawing ducks."

----------


## MrSpice

What type of automobiles do Norwegians drive?
.
.
.
Fjords

Thought it up myself  :Smilie:

----------


## alansidman

See your horoscope during these times.

----------


## xladept

It's uncanny Alan - how could they, possibly, know?!

----------


## Pepe Le Mokko

Somewhere on a Californian beach, this guy has a "belief crisis".

"God,he says aloud, grant me one wish and I will definitively  be sure of your existence"
....
...
A voice form Heaven : " My son, be careful what you wish for. I will grant you one wish. Speak !"

After a short silence, the guys says : " God, I'm afraid to fly. I know you can do anything and are omniscient. Please build me a highway from here to Hawaii so I can drive to my family."

"Well my son, you know that is in My power. However, did you think of the ecological consequences, all that concrete, rubber, steel, gas fumes..? I can do it, of course, but, you know nowadays...Perhaps another wish?"

The guy thinks hard for a while: " God you are right in your infinite wisdom. Could you please help me understand women?"

...
...
...
After a couple of minutes, the Voice from above: " That highway you were talking about, how many lanes do you need?

(Freely translated from the French version)

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## FDibbins

This is not really a joke, but I thought it was hilarious, I hope you find it as funny as I did.

As many of you know, I had a massive heart attack in early 2018 that pretty much killed me (too 9 shocks to bring me back).  Anyway, when I finally got back to work (at Home Depot), I could tell that 1 of the guys that I work with, really wanted to say something to me.  I told him to spit it, he said the others thought I would get offended, but I promised him I wouldnt.  So anyway, this is what he told me...

He said "if you name was Chevy instead of Ford, you would not have had a heart attack, coz Chevies dont break down"

I almost p'd myself laughing, and when I finally caught my breath, I replied...

"Maybe so, but just thing, it took this Ford 60 years before it broke down!!"

I left him rolling on the floor laughing
(there is ALWAYS a bright side to any situation, if you look hard enough, and have enough humor in your soul)

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## Logit

FDibbons ... but he WAS correct.

Go Chevy !

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## FDibbins

But so was I...this Ford pump didnt break down for 60 years!!

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## xladept

I thought I saw a masked man at the ATM today.

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## 6StringJazzer

> I thought I saw a masked man at the ATM today.



That's funny, I live 3000 miles away from you but I saw him too.

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## Logit

.
A penguin walks into a bar.

The bartender asks : "What can I do for you."

The penguin replies : "Have you seen my brother Hank ?"

The bartender says : "Maybe .. what does he look like ?"

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## Logit

.
A rough pair of jumper cables walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What will it be ?"

The jumper cables reply, "BEER !!"

The bartender replies, "OK, but while you are here ... don't start nuthin' ."

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## Logit

.
"Forum Expert

This message has been deleted by FDibbins.
Reason
Some found the attachment offensive, sorry"



Awwww ... that's too bad. But then ... I find some of them offensive. How do I delete them ?

 :Smilie:

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## 6StringJazzer

> .
> "Forum Expert
> 
> This message has been deleted by FDibbins.
> Reason
> Some found the attachment offensive, sorry"
> 
> 
> 
> Awwww ... that's too bad. But then ... I find some of them offensive. How do I delete them ?



Report them.

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## Logit

.
 FDibbins :

Please provide a list of members who found my joke workbook offensive. I would like to report them.

Thank you.

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## FDibbins

Members message me in confidence, I make it a point of not betraying that trust, sorry.

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## Logit

> Members message me in confidence, I make it a point of not betraying that trust, sorry.



 :Smilie: 

Email me the list in confidence .... I don't betray trusts.

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## FDibbins

Sorry, I wont do that.

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## 6StringJazzer

> Members message me in confidence, I make it a point of not betraying that trust, sorry.



There was no little smiley face but I think Logit was trying to make a joke there.

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## 6StringJazzer

Here is a little PSA, which I will post as a Moderator and also someone who had the opportunity to see Logit's post before it was removed.

There are no explicit rules against political/social commentary but given the state of the world today there are some topics that are inflammatory even if they are put forward under the guise of humor. 

Since this is a forum for Excel, with this sidebar thread for recreational humor, keep it light and let's not get into controversial topics. We are not suppressing any one point of view, just heading off anything that could turn unpleasant. There are many other places where you can go to discuss all sides of an issue to your heart's content, some civilized and some not so much, depending on your preference. 

Let's keep the joke thread to humor that everyone in the Excel community will find funny.

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## FDibbins

6string, thank you for that, very well phrased!!

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## MrSpice

Q: If you want to buy an axe for wood chopping, where do you go?

A: The maul

p.s. thought it up myself

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## vba_php

2 men walk in to a bar.  the 3rd one ducked.

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## protonLeah

Dad walks in from work.
Kid, excitedly: "Dad, I saved a quarter by running along side the bus instead of riding today!"
Dad, slapping Kid upside the head, "Why didn't you run along side a taxi and save $4.50?"

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## Richard Buttrey

This probably doesn't work across the pond, but a proper Yorkshire joke ... (if youÂre old enough)

Daley Thompson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coe's house for tea. 
Steve brought the fish, Tessa brought the chips, Daley brought the mushy peas and Seb provided the salt and vinegar. 
Suddenly there is a knock at the door so Seb gets up to answer. "Who is it?", asks everyone in unison, 

"It's Fatima wi t'bread."

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## Richard Buttrey

Chat up lines for Covid nights - * may not translate outside UK

If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it two metres away from me?
How do you feel about the rule of six? *
You look bubbly, my bubble's one short. Interested? *
I know it's not February but will you be my Quarantine?
I'll turn the computer around so you can see my etchings.
Shall we isolate in Tier 3 and I'll flatten your curve? *
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this after 8 p.m.? *
Of all the testing facilities in all the world you had to choose mine.

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## Arkadi

@Richard Buttrey... Shame if the * ones don't translate well, because they're the funniest IMO.  Can't say they are EXACTLY the same here (Canada), but the references are not lost (Tier 3 is Stage 3 for me for example).
Thanks for the morning laugh!

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## 6StringJazzer

In the U.S. there are no national rules or restrictions; it's all left to states and municipalities. So even some jokes that would work in New Jersey would go over the heads of those in Kansas.

We don't have a Rule of 6. My state has a rule of 10, but nobody calls it that.
We know about bubbles but more often we say "pod"
Here it's "Phase 3" at least for my state and Maryland (the next one over)
Curfews are rare but there are couple of cities that have imposed them.

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## 6StringJazzer

Here is a little holiday message for you:

Gloria.jpg

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## FDibbins

OMG 6SJ, that is hilarious!!

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## 6StringJazzer

> OMG 6SJ, that is hilarious!!



I wish I could say that I was the one who thought of it.

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## Pete_UK

Wonderful.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Pete

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